History dictates that, whenever Kate Winslet appears in public, she must always have her bum – or at least one of her norks – out.
And since Kate Winslet has an interview in the new issue of Vanity Fair, it stands to reason that she should get as absolutely naked as flipping possible in every single accompanying picture. But here’s the crazy thing – Kate Winslet’s naked body actually looks fairly decent in the photos.
And this is chubby old Kate Winslet we’re talking about here – lumpy bumpy old chubby old Kate Winslet. So if her naked pictures looked good, it’s only logical to assume that it was because they’d been mangled beyond all recognition with an airbrush. Just don’t mention that around Kate Winslet, because there’s a strong chance she’ll punch your face off if she hears you.
We’ve always had a soft spot for Kate Winslet – she’s living proof that if a fat child loses enough weight by the time she grows up, then the resulting combination revenge and lack of self-esteem means that she’ll almost definitely take off all of her clothes whenever she gets the chance.
And, make no mistake, Kate Winslet was a fat child. That’s not a secret – Kate Winslet mentioned it herself during the endless insecure whine that passed for her interview with Vanity Fair this month. However, while the text might have painted a picture of a woman so wracked with neuroses that she appeared to be impersonating Woody Allen on a particularly brutal episode of 10 Years Younger, the accompanying photos told a very different story indeed.
The accompanying photos, in fact, told a story of a sexy, unusually confident woman sprawled naked across a fur rug with her bum sticking out. The only logical explanation for that, given the chasm between the grubby little lardpot described in the interview and the beautiful woman in the photographs, was that Kate Winslet’s naked body had been airbrushed and Photoshopped and tinkered with until it bore no resemblance to real life at all.
That was the rumour, anyway. But people should know that if you go around spreading rumours about Kate Winslet’s body then you’ll end up with either a lawsuit or a really ruddy strongly-worded letter from one of her employees. Which is what happened yesterday, as People reports:
“Kate is furious at suggestions that her body has been airbrushed,” her rep tells PEOPLE exclusively. “She is in terrific shape and what you see is how she looks or she would never have agreed to pose for those shots.”
You hear that, haters? Kate Winslet’s naked body wasn’t digitally retouched at all, so you can go and shove it. Except that, in truth, the photos were retouched a bit for the magazine, with manipulations made to colouring and skin tone. But that doesn’t mean that Kate Winslet isn’t furious, because she is. She’s furious.
In fact, Kate Winslet is so furious at all those people who claimed that her digitally-retouched Vanity Fair photos had been digitally-retouched that she’s vowed to forgo any digital airbrushing whatsoever next time she poses naked for a glossy magazine. What you see will be all natural Winslet, from the lumps on her body to the throbbing vein that’s splattered across the side of her head because she keeps getting worked up about stuff that nobody else gives a shit about.
Still, despite all this talk of airbrushing, we shouldn’t lose focus of the big picture here – that Kate Winslet has successfully made the leap from being naked in films to being naked in magazines. Congratulations Kate – now you’re only inches away from fulfilling your dream of starting your own premium subsciption-based website to be naked in.
MrSatyre says
“Norks”??? That’s a new one! Anyway, Kate’s always looked amazing. For all the self-proclaimed critics who feel they must bash her luscious bod’…well, I guess titless waifs like Kate Moss or Heidi-Wishes-She-Had-Boobs-Klum are more to their liking. Give me a real woman like Ms. Winslet any day.
Stabby McGee says
Whoa there Stu, feeling the rage over here. Are you okay, man?
Your friend Stabby.
Dean says
That was awesome.
Tina says
Wow! Stuart did you read this before going to print? This rant sounds ridiculous, did Kate dump you or run over your dog in the past? Such anger!
Joachim says
Jeez, MrSatyre…take a chill pill and talk your mom about your breastfeeding issues.
Peaches says
I’ve read and listened to past interviews Kate has given, and I felt that she was really obsessed about her weight and body – even as she was complaining that we all need to stop being obsessed about our weight and bodies.
But, unlike some of Stuart Heritage’s detractors here, I think his snarky little column about Ms. Winslet was right on the money.
Val says
She’s definitely doing whatever she thinks will grab some attention and I agree with the article. Women need to stop falling into the sex object trap and start showing more dignity and class. We all know what naked women look like so why show EVERYBODY what you have?? I don’t believe that we should be in burkas for crying out loud and there’s nothing wrong with wearing a bathing suit AT THE BEACH, but the fact is that beauty fades and the focus shouldn’t be on physical beauty, but TALENT and those who just happen to be talented AND beautiful should show more modesty and humbleness and behave like the role models that young people can look up to, like Julia Roberts has. She never has felt the need to expose herself like some prostitute looking for business and I respect her so much for that!!!!!
Kara says
jeez. if you had your naked body splattered about, wouldn’t you want a bit of digital retouching?!
and btw. if you “didn’t give a shit” about this issue, you would not have written an article about it. :)
Kayla says
This was rather annoying to read. Kate Winslet is one the most naturally beautiful and successful women of our time. You completely bashed her and made a fool of yourself. Your writing was so sarcastic I couldn’t even finish reading it.
Why don’t you write about something that’s actually worth reading? I swear the only internet articles I can find are one’s about critquing people’s bodies. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and if Kate Winslet is not good enough for you, then you should just stab your eyes out because you’re OBVIOUSLY BLIND.