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trial

Michael Jackson Set To Release The Ironically Titled “Immortal” Album

by Matthew Laidlow

They are lots of words to describe Michael Jackson. Depending on your relationship with him, then your opinion will certainly differ. Joe Jackson loved Michael with all his heart and whipping belt due to the money he raked in and owners of tacky shops loved his credit card. Fans who met Michael were touched in [...]

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Michael Jackson Trial: Now Starring The Incredible Hulk, A Mistress And Proof Of Murder

by Mof Gimmers

Even in death, Michael Jackson’s attracts a carnival of freaks and oddballs, all wanting to chirrup about how wonderful/damaged/dead the former King Of Pop is. And this week, things have gotten really super. How super? The Incredible Hulk super, that’s how much! For some reason, former Hulk Lou Ferrigno is getting involved in the Moonwalking [...]

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Conrad Murray Phoned For Cocktails While Michael Jackson Died?

by Mof Gimmers

As a doctor, presumably you know when a human is a lost cause. That’s why Dignitas exists, right? And so, if the rumours that Michael Jackson was knocking back Propofol like milk, he probably thought ‘sod it’. And who can blame him? During the Moonwalking for Justice trial, it seems that MJ was dying in [...]

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Michael Jackson’s Son Lets Family Down By Showing Pre-Court Nerves

by Mof Gimmers

The Jackson family are born performers aren’t they? Those that numbered up the Jackson 5 all loved the limelight and, in later years, so did Papa Joe with that belt-brandishing look in his eye and, of course, world-weary mother Katherine. We also got LaToya and Janet thrown in for free too, which is nice. Not [...]

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Michael Jackson’s Daughter Sleeps Inside A Jacket Or Whatever

by Mof Gimmers

With the Michael Jackson v. Conrad Murray’s Syringe court case imminent, we need to keep Jacko in the news because come the trial, we’ll need to convince ourselves that we’re informed. There’s no danger of you lot being uber-informed though because, chances are, you have absolutely no life outside of scouring the internet for articles [...]

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Latoya Jackson Doesn’t Sound Mental When She Says Michael Was Murdered By Shadowy Forces

by Matthew Laidlow

You know what the Jackson family are kinda like? Performing dolphins that entertain crowds of clapping idiots who pay money to see overgrown fish jump through burning hoops. Trainers of dolphins usually use the Joe Jackson guidance method which generally involves beating the creature until it does what you want it to do. Michael Jackson [...]

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Phil Spector Murder Trial Redux: Injured Juror, Hold Your Horses

by Stuart Heritage

We’ve missed Phil Spector. Like many people we see him as the lesbian-haired wobbly old uncle who nobody trusts around women that we never had.

And that’s why we should all be greeting the retrial of Phil Spector over the alleged murder of Lana Clarkson like the celebration it is. For the next few months we get to go over all of Phil Spector’s greatest hits – the funny hair, the driver who he apparently confessed the murder to, the endless scientific discussions about bullettrajectory, the funny hair. The funny hair. And that all starts right now.

Well, OK, not right now. The second crack at the Phil Spector murder trial was set to begin yesterday, but it couldn’t because a juror fell over in the car park and broke his foot, forcing a postponement. Remember that if Phil Spector is found guilty of murder he’ll be given life in jail. So probably about a fortnight at this rate.

We've missed Phil Spector. Like many people we see him as the lesbian-haired wobbly old uncle who nobody trusts around women that we never had. And that's why we should all be greeting the retrial of Phil Spector over the alleged murder of Lana Clarkson like the celebration it is. For the next few months we get to go over all of Phil Spector's greatest hits - the funny hair, the driver who he apparently confessed the murder to, the endless scientific discussions about bullettrajectory, the funny hair. The funny hair. And that all starts right now. Well, OK, not right now. The second crack at the Phil Spector murder trial was set to begin yesterday, but it couldn't because a juror fell over in the car park and broke his foot, forcing a postponement. Remember that if Phil Spector is found guilty of murder he'll be given life in jail. So probably about a fortnight at this rate.
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Britney Spears Trial Dies Of Boredom

by Stuart Heritage

We’d just like to take this opportunity to apologise to anyone who’d emotionally invested in the Britney Spears hit and run trial.

If this is the case we’d like to make a two-part apology. 1) We’re sorry you’re an idiot and 2) you’ve obviously wasted your time, because not even anyone involved in the Britney Spears hit and run trial had any emotional investment in the Britney Spears hit and run trial.

Yesterday, after the jurors took twice as long as the length of the trial itself to decide that they didn’t know if Britney Spears was guilty of hit and run or not, the judge officially called a mistrial. What’s more, nobody can be bothered to go through a retrial, so Britney Spears is in the clear. Don’t get us wrong – everyone wanted a retrial, but they had more urgent things to do, like repeatedly bashing their head on a desk and weeping.

We'd just like to take this opportunity to apologise to anyone who'd emotionally invested in the Britney Spears hit and run trial. If this is the case we'd like to make a two-part apology. 1) We're sorry you're an idiot and 2) you've obviously wasted your time, because not even anyone involved in the Britney Spears hit and run trial had any emotional investment in the Britney Spears hit and run trial. Yesterday, after the jurors took twice as long as the length of the trial itself to decide that they didn't know if Britney Spears was guilty of hit and run or not, the judge officially called a mistrial. What's more, nobody can be bothered to go through a retrial, so Britney Spears is in the clear. Don't get us wrong - everyone wanted a retrial, but they had more urgent things to do, like repeatedly bashing their head on a desk and weeping.
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Britney Spears Is Innocent! Or Guilty! Nobody Really Knows!

by Stuart Heritage

Were you worried that this Britney Spears hit and run trial was going to run so smoothly that it wouldn’t make a mockery of just about everything?

You were? Well relax. This is Britney Spears we’re talking about – a woman who’d have trouble boiling an egg without ending up in a mental hospital because she’d had a hysterical breakdown and attempted to dip one of her own son’s ankles into the water halfway through – so of course it hasn’t gone smoothly.

In fact, the Britney Spears hit and run trial has managed to foul itself right up, with the jury completely unable to decide if Britney is guilty or not after four separate votes. Oh, if only Britney Spears’ was charged with being the adorably kooky queen of American pop, it’d be much easier to reach a unanimous guilty verdict. In fact, she’d be so guilty that we’d probably have to sentence her to the electric chair. That sweet, sweet electric chair.

Were you worried that this Britney Spears hit and run trial was going to run so smoothly that it wouldn't make a mockery of just about everything? You were? Well relax. This is Britney Spears we're talking about - a woman who'd have trouble boiling an egg without ending up in a mental hospital because she'd had a hysterical breakdown and attempted to dip one of her own son's ankles into the water halfway through - so of course it hasn't gone smoothly. In fact, the Britney Spears hit and run trial has managed to foul itself right up, with the jury completely unable to decide if Britney is guilty or not after four separate votes. Oh, if only Britney Spears' was charged with being the adorably kooky queen of American pop, it'd be much easier to reach a unanimous guilty verdict. In fact, she'd be so guilty that we'd probably have to sentence her to the electric chair. That sweet, sweet electric chair.
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Britney Spears’ Boring Pointless Trial Goes To Jury

by Stuart Heritage

It’s weird now, isn’t it, that Britney Spears has got hair and speaks in sentences rather than paranoid garbled shrieks.

In fact, we miss the old red-eyed, crazy British-accented Britney Spears who was allowed to stumble around everywhere followed by a pack of screaming paparazzi. And that’s why we’re clinging to the last remnant of that era as hard as we can – Britney Spears’ hit and run trial. Even though it’s plainly rubbish.

So far, the trial has lasted about 30 seconds and Britney Spears hasn’t once been anywhere near the courtroom – and now it’s down to the jury. After deliberating furiously over the trial, jurors expected to return soon with their verdict. And, given the special nature of this trial, the verdicts open to them are ‘Shut up’ and ‘Nobody even cares’.

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