Articles tagged with: trial
DMX Treats Court To A Lovely Singsong
No matter how bad things get, you can always make them better with a song - unless you're on trial in court, because that would just be stupid. Try telling that to DMX, though. He's currently up to his eyeballs in trouble - for just about every illegal activity that a human being is capable of committing - but he still had time to lighten the mood outside court yesterday with an inspirational freestyle that we think was possibly about being a good person. True, bellowing "stand for something or fall for everything!" at some bewildered reporters to the rhythm of some sort of weird internal metronome might not seem like the best way for DMX to solve his problems, but at least it's a step up from his usual rapping style, which tends to involve screaming "I smell pussy!" at the top of his voice and then barking like a dog for an hour.
No matter how bad things get, you can always make them better with a song - unless you're on trial in court, because that would just be stupid. Try telling that to DMX, though. He's currently up to his eyeballs in trouble - for just about every illegal activity that a human being is capable of committing - but he still had time to lighten the mood outside court yesterday with an inspirational freestyle that we think was possibly about being a good person. True, bellowing "stand for something or fall for everything!" at some bewildered reporters to the rhythm of some sort of weird internal metronome might not seem like the best way for DMX to solve his problems, but at least it's a step up from his usual rapping style, which tends to involve screaming "I smell pussy!" at the top of his voice and then barking like a dog for an hour.
R Kelly Found Innocent Of All Children-Related Love Making
R Kelly is a man who has suffered so much at the hands of the press. The guy just wants to live his life making A-material albums and wonderful music videos. And, of course, the last thing he wants to do is diddle people too young to get onto the big-kid rides at your local Six Flags. Why is that? Well, it's because R Kelly may be a lot of things - like the victim of a horrific back-mole that can sometimes be confused with a camera-lense speck, or tone deaf, but a kid-diddler he most definitely is not! The man's been acquitted, you know. You probably guessed that from the title up there.
R Kelly is a man who has suffered so much at the hands of the press. The guy just wants to live his life making A-material albums and wonderful music videos. And, of course, the last thing he wants to do is diddle people too young to get onto the big-kid rides at your local Six Flags. Why is that? Well, it's because R Kelly may be a lot of things - like the victim of a horrific back-mole that can sometimes be confused with a camera-lense speck, or tone deaf, but a kid-diddler he most definitely is not! The man's been acquitted, you know. You probably guessed that from the title up there.
D-Day For R Kelly Trial. Or R-Day, Maybe
Deliberation, discussion and decision-making: all major factors involved in writing about a legal case that hasn't yet been decided either way. Strangely enough, these things are also associated with the jury in the R Kelly child pornography trial. Would you believe it? Of course, this brings up a wonderful revelation - it shouldn't be too long before hecklerspray can refer to R Kelly in whatever terms we see fit, with the full backing of the law on our side. Yes: the jury have heard the prosecution, the defence, rebuttals, witnesses and counter-cross-ultra-examinations, and they've run off to that room probably occupied by Twelve Angry Men to decide once and for all what the media are allowed to refer to R Kelly as. And probably, more importantly, if the man is to serve jail time or if he is cleared of the charges held against him. The future looks bright.
Deliberation, discussion and decision-making: all major factors involved in writing about a legal case that hasn't yet been decided either way. Strangely enough, these things are also associated with the jury in the R Kelly child pornography trial. Would you believe it? Of course, this brings up a wonderful revelation - it shouldn't be too long before hecklerspray can refer to R Kelly in whatever terms we see fit, with the full backing of the law on our side. Yes: the jury have heard the prosecution, the defence, rebuttals, witnesses and counter-cross-ultra-examinations, and they've run off to that room probably occupied by Twelve Angry Men to decide once and for all what the media are allowed to refer to R Kelly as. And probably, more importantly, if the man is to serve jail time or if he is cleared of the charges held against him. The future looks bright.
R Kelly Trial: Is It R In Video? Is The Girl Who She Says She Is? Who Am I?!
It's an age-old defence and one that many, many people have relied on throughout the ages to help them avoid being shouted at, dumped, ignored or sent to prison on alleged charges of having sex with an underage girl and filming it: "It wasn't me." Even Shaggy relied on it at one point, though the dolt did ruin the get-out clause for the rest of us by making it public knowledge. Now, as fate would have it and as the mole/artifact argument would have us believe, the man in the video being examined in the R Kelly child sex trial isn't actually R himself. It is, as the defence have stated, a lookalike.
It's an age-old defence and one that many, many people have relied on throughout the ages to help them avoid being shouted at, dumped, ignored or sent to prison on alleged charges of having sex with an underage girl and filming it: "It wasn't me." Even Shaggy relied on it at one point, though the dolt did ruin the get-out clause for the rest of us by making it public knowledge. Now, as fate would have it and as the mole/artifact argument would have us believe, the man in the video being examined in the R Kelly child sex trial isn't actually R himself. It is, as the defence have stated, a lookalike.
R Kelly Kiddy Porn Trial: That’s Not A Mole, Idiots, That’s An Artifact
It's obvious to everyone with any sense that it isn't R Kelly in the sex tape at the centre of his child pornography trial. Really, it isn't. R Kelly has a caterpillar-shaped mole on his back, you see, and the man in the R Kelly sex tape doesn't have a caterp... oh wait, yes he does. Bum. However, just because R Kelly and the man in the sex tape appear to have similarly-shaped birthmarks on the same part of their backs, it doesn't make R Kelly guilty of anything. That's because, according to a defence analyst yesterday, there aren't any moles on the R Kelly sex tape at all - only artifacts. What's an artifact? God knows. Let's go!
It's obvious to everyone with any sense that it isn't R Kelly in the sex tape at the centre of his child pornography trial. Really, it isn't. R Kelly has a caterpillar-shaped mole on his back, you see, and the man in the R Kelly sex tape doesn't have a caterp... oh wait, yes he does. Bum. However, just because R Kelly and the man in the sex tape appear to have similarly-shaped birthmarks on the same part of their backs, it doesn't make R Kelly guilty of anything. That's because, according to a defence analyst yesterday, there aren't any moles on the R Kelly sex tape at all - only artifacts. What's an artifact? God knows. Let's go!
R Kelly Kiddy Porn Trial: Wait, Now He Didn’t Do It?
This R Kelly child pornography trial is getting awfully confusing - one minute someone's saying he did it, then another's saying he didn't. Oh, who to believe? Well, since R Kelly's defence began yesterday with testimonies from the accused sex tape victim's relatives, all claiming that it wasn't her who R Kelly was having it off with, our microscopic attention span means we'll have to side with them. So that's it, R Kelly definitely didn't have sex with the 14-year-old girl that everyone thinks he had sex with because the very few members of her family who didn't say that R Kelly definitely did have sex with her say he didn't. We can't believe it was this obvious all along.
This R Kelly child pornography trial is getting awfully confusing - one minute someone's saying he did it, then another's saying he didn't. Oh, who to believe? Well, since R Kelly's defence began yesterday with testimonies from the accused sex tape victim's relatives, all claiming that it wasn't her who R Kelly was having it off with, our microscopic attention span means we'll have to side with them. So that's it, R Kelly definitely didn't have sex with the 14-year-old girl that everyone thinks he had sex with because the very few members of her family who didn't say that R Kelly definitely did have sex with her say he didn't. We can't believe it was this obvious all along.
R Kelly Kiddy Porn Trial: Threesomes & Sex Tape Duffel Bags
We know what you're thinking - that there's only one thing that'd liven up the ongoing R Kelly child pornography trial. That's right - a woman who says she's been in underage threesomes with R Kelly and the girl everyone thinks is in the R Kelly sex tape, and who also claims that R Kelly used to carry around a giant duffel bag full of his own sex tapes no matter where he went. Well it's your lucky day, because that's exactly what happened to the R Kelly child pornography trial yesterday, and it's all thanks to star prosecution witness Lisa Van Allen, a woman who bursts into tears whenever anyone asks her what sex with R Kelly was like. That makes us doubt that Lisa Van Allen actually did have sex with R Kelly, by the way, because the correct response to that is prolonged projectile vomiting. Again, that's prolonged projectile vomiting.
We know what you're thinking - that there's only one thing that'd liven up the ongoing R Kelly child pornography trial. That's right - a woman who says she's been in underage threesomes with R Kelly and the girl everyone thinks is in the R Kelly sex tape, and who also claims that R Kelly used to carry around a giant duffel bag full of his own sex tapes no matter where he went. Well it's your lucky day, because that's exactly what happened to the R Kelly child pornography trial yesterday, and it's all thanks to star prosecution witness Lisa Van Allen, a woman who bursts into tears whenever anyone asks her what sex with R Kelly was like. That makes us doubt that Lisa Van Allen actually did have sex with R Kelly, by the way, because the correct response to that is prolonged projectile vomiting. Again, that's prolonged projectile vomiting.
R Kelly Kiddy Porn Trial: It’s Sort of Him, Says FBI Chap
WBet you want to hear all about the superstar defence witness who's threatening to sew up the R Kelly child pornography trial once and for all, right? Of course you do. That's terribly exciting news. But you're not going to hear anything about that for a while - not when an expert FBI forensic video analyst has dropped the huge bomb that the man in the piddle-heavy R Kelly sex tape is probably R Kelly. Alright, so maybe 'probably' is pushing it a little. What he actually said was that it wasn't very likely that anyone had digitally superimposed R Kelly's face onto the sex tape - a shock testimony that, if it is to be believed, immediately narrows the list of potential suspects down to a) R Kelly and b) every single man on Earth who isn't R Kelly. This is nailbiting stuff, people.
WBet you want to hear all about the superstar defence witness who's threatening to sew up the R Kelly child pornography trial once and for all, right? Of course you do. That's terribly exciting news. But you're not going to hear anything about that for a while - not when an expert FBI forensic video analyst has dropped the huge bomb that the man in the piddle-heavy R Kelly sex tape is probably R Kelly. Alright, so maybe 'probably' is pushing it a little. What he actually said was that it wasn't very likely that anyone had digitally superimposed R Kelly's face onto the sex tape - a shock testimony that, if it is to be believed, immediately narrows the list of potential suspects down to a) R Kelly and b) every single man on Earth who isn't R Kelly. This is nailbiting stuff, people.
