OJ Simpson Trial Almost Finished, Nothing Really Achieved

The closing arguments of the OJ Simpson trial are taking place today, which means soon - finally - something interesting might actually happen soon.

It’s doubtful though, because the entire OJ Simpson trial has been a bit of a snore. It shouldn’t have been - a man almost had a heart attack once and yesterday everyone heard how a man apparently threatened to go on the rampage with a gun - but it was. Not even OJ Simpson could be bothered to testify at the OJ Simpson trial, for crying out loud.

To be fair, though, we hear that’s because he’s saving his thoughts up for another book; the forthcoming If I Did It (Which I Might Or Might Not Have Done) Here’s How It Either Happened Or Would’ve Happened Depending On If I Did It Or Not.

We get the feeling that OJ Simpson might be suffering from Difficult Second Criminal Trial Syndrome at the moment. His debut was such a belter - the biggest trial of the century, some say, and for a double murder, too - that the follow-up was always going to be an anti-climax.

That’s not to say that OJ Simpson put the effort in. If he’s found guilty of the charges laid against him, OJ Simpson will spend the rest of his life in jail, and you have to admit that bursting in on a hotel room with a gang of gun-wielding thugs and holding people against their will is a pretty good charge.

But the closing arguments in the OJ Simpson trial are taking place today, which means that the whole trial has more or less vanished in a cloud of featureless smoke. Sure, it tried to be interesting at points - a bloke nearly had a heart attack, for instance, and another bloke claimed that his heart attack made his brain go all loopy - but that hardly counts.

And even yesterday witnesses were still trying for a last shot at something memorable - as the LA Times reports, OJ Simpson’s friend Tom Scotto decided to tell the court about the time when a couple of OJ’s henchmen turned prosecution witnesses decided to shake him down for $50,000 “or else”:

Michael McClinton and Walter Alexander, Scotto testified Wednesday, twice ushered him away from his pre-wedding party and into the backyard. McClinton, Scotto said, told him, “You know me, Tom, but you don’t know me that well.” Their faces were inches apart. “I’m a street [expletive] and I’ll shoot everybody up.”

We don’t know about you, but we’d love to hear what that deleted expletive was. None of them really fit as a suffix to the word ’street’, apart from possibly ‘fart,’ ‘whore’ or ‘tampon’. If you know what it was, do tell us.

Anyway, will Scotto’s testimony affect the jury, who are set to start their deliberations later today? Who knows. Some are predicting that the whole OJ Simpson trial will end in a hung jury, which we’re praying doesn’t happen because it means we’ll have to go through this whole dreary palaver all over again.

Whatever happens, though, we’re hoping that something exciting comes along before the trial finishes. Even if one of the jurors just gets their bum out. Jurors, if you’re reading, one of you get your bum out.