It’s weird now, isn’t it, that Britney Spears has got hair and speaks in sentences rather than paranoid garbled shrieks.
In fact, we miss the old red-eyed, crazy British-accented Britney Spears who was allowed to stumble around everywhere followed by a pack of screaming paparazzi. And that’s why we’re clinging to the last remnant of that era as hard as we can – Britney Spears’ hit and run trial. Even though it’s plainly rubbish.
So far, the trial has lasted about 30 seconds and Britney Spears hasn’t once been anywhere near the courtroom – and now it’s down to the jury. After deliberating furiously over the trial, jurors expected to return soon with their verdict. And, given the special nature of this trial, the verdicts open to them are ‘Shut up’ and ‘Nobody even cares’.
We’re so happy that Britney Spears is number one in the charts again – it means that now, when she annoys you, you don’t feel waves of guilt because you essentially hate the mentally ill. Which is just as well, because thanks to this poxy hit and run trial of hers, it’s almost a scientific impossibility to not be annoyed by Britney Spears a little bit.
It’s hard to describe the importance of the Britney Spears hit and run trial, but we’ll have a go. Imagine the Phil Spector murder trial but, instead of murdering anyone, Phil Spector was accused of gently hitting a car with his car and then walking off. And the case lasted about a day rather than several weeks. And Phil Spector didn’t turn up in court. And nobody cared. That’s roughly the sort of level of importance that the Britney Spears hit and run trial currently occupies.
It didn’t even have to go to trial. Britney Spears allegedly knocked into a car over a year ago, and a plea deal was set out so that she’d take the rap but avoid any real form of punishment. But Britney Spears turned that down because she didn’t want a criminal record, so everything got forced into an actual criminal trial that could actually result in Britney serving a jail sentence.
The trial mainly revolves around Britney’s lack of a valid California driver’s license at the time of the crash. But Britney Spears’ lawyer J Michael Flanagan claims that she didn’t need a California driver’s license because she’s from Louisiana, not California. AP reports:
Flanagan tried to establish that Los Angeles is a temporary home for Britney Spears and that she will likely leave once she has custody of her young sons. Flanagan gave jurors three examples of her ties to Louisiana: she is registered to vote there; she takes a homestead exemption on her property taxes there and until late last year, she had a Louisiana driver’s license.
That’s all well and good, bar the facts that Britney Spears isn’t registered to vote in Louisiana and just about every piece of legal documentation she’s ever had anything to do with over the last few years – including divorce records that were signed right before the alleged hit and run – says that she lives in California.
The jury is due to give its verdict soon, but Britney Spears doesn’t have to worry, because even if she’s found guilty she’s unlikely to go to jail. She would get a criminal record though. Just like the one she’s got already, except this new one wouldn’t repeat the word ‘womanizer’ 42 times in the space of three minutes.
Criminal record. Because, you see, Womanizer is criminal, and it’s a record, so, you know… oh, forget it.
Julian Mentat says
Has the owner of the other car not yet stated “I was fulfilling my Britney Dominatrix fetish when I begged her to dent my car?”
Come on, Spears money machine, it’s expensive testimony but you can afford it.
Michelle says
She is AMAZING and nobody is like she!