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trial

OJ Simpson Trial: The Jury’s Almost Picked

by Stuart Heritage

OK, hands up who thought that it’d take 400 years to pick the jury for the new OJ Simpson trial because the whole world obviously hates OJ Simpson.

Anyone? Just us? OK, well then we’re the wrong ones. In actual fact, the jury for OJ Simpson’s armed robbery and kidnap trial has almost been completely picked. What does that mean? Well, most importantly it means that the scene is set for us to plunge headlong into the nitty-gritty of the OJ Simpson trial itself next week.

Secondly it ostensibly means that there are a handful of people in Las Vegas who say they don’t care about OJ Simpson murder acquittal in 1995. But what it actually means is that there’s a handful of people who’ve either hidden their furious bitter hatred of OJ Simpson well enough to pass the jury selection process or are currently busy phoning publishers and scribbling down the first draft of their new book How I Banged OJ Simpson Up. Fun!

OK, hands up who thought that it'd take 400 years to pick the jury for the new OJ Simpson trial because the whole world obviously hates OJ Simpson. Anyone? Just us? OK, well then we're the wrong ones. In actual fact, the jury for OJ Simpson's armed robbery and kidnap trial has almost been completely picked. What does that mean? Well, most importantly it means that the scene is set for us to plunge headlong into the nitty-gritty of the OJ Simpson trial itself next week. Secondly it ostensibly means that there are a handful of people in Las Vegas who say they don't care about OJ Simpson murder acquittal in 1995. But what it actually means is that there's a handful of people who've either hidden their furious bitter hatred of OJ Simpson well enough to pass the jury selection process or are currently busy phoning publishers and scribbling down the first draft of their new book How I Banged OJ Simpson Up. Fun!
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OJ Simpson Robbery Kidnappy Trial Thing: Jurors Getting Picked

by Stuart Heritage

You know how the nights have started to draw in earlier lately? That’s not autumn, that’s nature setting the scene for OJ Simpson’s newest trial.

You know, the trial about how OJ Simpson allegedly stormed into a sports memorabilia collector’s hotel room with a bunch of gun-brandishing heavies and demanded that they give him everything with his face on it, or thereabout. Well guess what – OJ Simpson’s trial started yesterday, or at least the jury selection process part of it.

It’s an extremely tricky part of the trial procedure, too. Not just because OJ Simpson faces the rest of his life spent in jail if he’s found guilty of his charges, but because the judge doesn’t want to pick jurors who’ll punish OJ for his murder trial acquittal. Jurors who’ll punish OJ Simpson for his creepy book about the murder or his role in the underwhelming Naked Gun 33/3, sure. Just not the murder thing.

You know how the nights have started to draw in earlier lately? That's not autumn, that's nature setting the scene for OJ Simpson's newest trial. You know, the trial about how OJ Simpson allegedly stormed into a sports memorabilia collector's hotel room with a bunch of gun-brandishing heavies and demanded that they give him everything with his face on it, or thereabout. Well guess what - OJ Simpson's trial started yesterday, or at least the jury selection process part of it. It's an extremely tricky part of the trial procedure, too. Not just because OJ Simpson faces the rest of his life spent in jail if he's found guilty of his charges, but because the judge doesn't want to pick jurors who'll punish OJ for his murder trial acquittal. Jurors who'll punish OJ Simpson for his creepy book about the murder or his role in the underwhelming Naked Gun 33/3, sure. Just not the murder thing.
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DMX Treats Court To A Lovely Singsong

by Stuart Heritage

No matter how bad things get, you can always make them better with a song – unless you’re on trial in court, because that would just be stupid.

Try telling that to DMX, though. He’s currently up to his eyeballs in trouble – for just about every illegal activity that a human being is capable of committing – but he still had time to lighten the mood outside court yesterday with an inspirational freestyle that we think was possibly about being a good person.

True, bellowing “stand for something or fall for everything!” at some bewildered reporters to the rhythm of some sort of weird internal metronome might not seem like the best way for DMX to solve his problems, but at least it’s a step up from his usual rapping style, which tends to involve screaming “I smell pussy!” at the top of his voice and then barking like a dog for an hour.

No matter how bad things get, you can always make them better with a song - unless you're on trial in court, because that would just be stupid. Try telling that to DMX, though. He's currently up to his eyeballs in trouble - for just about every illegal activity that a human being is capable of committing - but he still had time to lighten the mood outside court yesterday with an inspirational freestyle that we think was possibly about being a good person. True, bellowing "stand for something or fall for everything!" at some bewildered reporters to the rhythm of some sort of weird internal metronome might not seem like the best way for DMX to solve his problems, but at least it's a step up from his usual rapping style, which tends to involve screaming "I smell pussy!" at the top of his voice and then barking like a dog for an hour.
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R Kelly Found Innocent Of All Children-Related Love Making

by Shawn Lindseth

R Kelly is a man who has suffered so much at the hands of the press. The guy just wants to live his life making A-material albums and wonderful music videos. And, of course, the last thing he wants to do is diddle people too young to get onto the big-kid rides at your local [...]

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D-Day For R Kelly Trial. Or R-Day, Maybe

by Ian Dransfield

Deliberation, discussion and decision-making: all major factors involved in writing about a legal case that hasn’t yet been decided either way. Strangely enough, these things are also associated with the jury in the R Kelly child pornography trial. Would you believe it? Of course, this brings up a wonderful revelation – it shouldn’t be too [...]

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R Kelly Trial: Is It R In Video? Is The Girl Who She Says She Is? Who Am I?!

by Ian Dransfield

It’s an age-old defence and one that many, many people have relied on throughout the ages to help them avoid being shouted at, dumped, ignored or sent to prison on alleged charges of having sex with an underage girl and filming it: “It wasn’t me.” Even Shaggy relied on it at one point, though the [...]

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R Kelly Kiddy Porn Trial: That’s Not A Mole, Idiots, That’s An Artifact

by Stuart Heritage

It’s obvious to everyone with any sense that it isn’t R Kelly in the sex tape at the centre of his child pornography trial.

Really, it isn’t. R Kelly has a caterpillar-shaped mole on his back, you see, and the man in the R Kelly sex tape doesn’t have a caterp… oh wait, yes he does. Bum.

However, just because R Kelly and the man in the sex tape appear to have similarly-shaped birthmarks on the same part of their backs, it doesn’t make R Kelly guilty of anything. That’s because, according to a defence analyst yesterday, there aren’t any moles on the R Kelly sex tape at all – only artifacts. What’s an artifact? God knows. Let’s go!

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R Kelly Kiddy Porn Trial: Wait, Now He Didn’t Do It?

by Stuart Heritage

This R Kelly child pornography trial is getting awfully confusing – one minute someone’s saying he did it, then another’s saying he didn’t.

Oh, who to believe? Well, since R Kelly’s defence began yesterday with testimonies from the accused sex tape victim’s relatives, all claiming that it wasn’t her who R Kelly was having it off with, our microscopic attention span means we’ll have to side with them.

So that’s it, R Kelly definitely didn’t have sex with the 14-year-old girl that everyone thinks he had sex with because the very few members of her family who didn’t say that R Kelly definitely did have sex with her say he didn’t. We can’t believe it was this obvious all along.

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R Kelly Kiddy Porn Trial: Threesomes & Sex Tape Duffel Bags

by Stuart Heritage

We know what you’re thinking – that there’s only one thing that’d liven up the ongoing R Kelly child pornography trial.

That’s right – a woman who says she’s been in underage threesomes with R Kelly and the girl everyone thinks is in the R Kelly sex tape, and who also claims that R Kelly used to carry around a giant duffel bag full of his own sex tapes no matter where he went.

Well it’s your lucky day, because that’s exactly what happened to the R Kelly child pornography trial yesterday, and it’s all thanks to star prosecution witness Lisa Van Allen, a woman who bursts into tears whenever anyone asks her what sex with R Kelly was like. That makes us doubt that Lisa Van Allen actually did have sex with R Kelly, by the way, because the correct response to that is prolonged projectile vomiting. Again, that’s prolonged projectile vomiting.

We know what you're thinking - that there's only one thing that'd liven up the ongoing R Kelly child pornography trial. That's right - a woman who says she's been in underage threesomes with R Kelly and the girl everyone thinks is in the R Kelly sex tape, and who also claims that R Kelly used to carry around a giant duffel bag full of his own sex tapes no matter where he went. Well it's your lucky day, because that's exactly what happened to the R Kelly child pornography trial yesterday, and it's all thanks to star prosecution witness Lisa Van Allen, a woman who bursts into tears whenever anyone asks her what sex with R Kelly was like. That makes us doubt that Lisa Van Allen actually did have sex with R Kelly, by the way, because the correct response to that is prolonged projectile vomiting. Again, that's prolonged projectile vomiting.
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R Kelly Kiddy Porn Trial: It’s Sort of Him, Says FBI Chap

by Stuart Heritage

Bet you want to hear all about the superstar defence witness who’s threatening to sew up the R Kelly child pornography trial once and for all, right?

Of course you do. That’s terribly exciting news. But you’re not going to hear anything about that for a while – not when an expert FBI forensic video analyst has dropped the huge bomb that the man in the piddle-heavy R Kelly sex tape is almost definitely R Kelly.

Alright, so maybe ‘almost definitely’ is pushing it a little. What he actually said was that it wasn’t very likely that anyone had digitally superimposed R Kelly’s face onto the sex tape – a shock testimony that immediately narrows the list of potential suspects down to a) R Kelly and b) every single man on Earth who isn’t R Kelly. This is nail biting stuff, people.

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