There's no way of politely putting this, so we'll just go ahead and say it - Dolly Parton's breasts are pure evil.

Alright, maybe pure evil is a bit of an overstatement - it's not like they're responsible for more than maybe five or six global atrocities - but you can't deny that Dolly Parton's breasts are a right old couple of bastards. 

Why? Because Dolly Parton's boobs are so big that they've knackered her back and forced her to cancel an entire tour. Where are we supposed to get our fix of ancient, massive-boobed, rootin'-tootin' country and western music now? Keith Urban?

First we'll hit you with the good news - the Spice Girls have cut their world tour short and split up.

And now for the bad news - the Spice Girls split means we're going to have to put up with five cack-handed Spice Girls solo careers again instead of one big group career that's easy to ignore.

Which we suppose means that we'll never hear from Geri Halliwell again. Maybe this is for the best after all.

Bad news for the six or seven billion people who tried to get tickets for Led Zeppelin's comeback concert at the O2 in London on Monday night - that was pretty much your only chance.

Such was the anticipation of Led Zeppelin's comeback that they could have just dicked around on a massive piano like Tom Hanks in Big and broadsheet music reviewers would have jizzed themselves silly, but the chances of Led Zeppelin taking the show on the road have been ruined thanks to Robert Plant suddenly announcing a tour next year with Alison Krauss. But Zeppelin fans shouldn't get too downhearted - to make up for it, The Cheeky Girls have decided to go on a Led Zeppelin-themed world stadium tour where they'll perform hits like Ramble On (Touch My Bum), Dazed And Confused (Touch My Bum) and, of course, a largely-improvised 45-minute version of How Many More Times (Touch My Bum).

The Spice Girls comeback hasn't exactly been a top-notch success yet - there's been a failed single, an underperforming Best Of album and a Tesco advert so distressing that it's given us recurring nightmares about Posh Spice's rubbery mouth.

But all of that can be consigned to the past, because the real money-making leg of the Spice Girls comeback kicked off last night - it was the first concert of the Spice Girls' reunion world tour in Vancouver. 16,000 screaming Spice Girls fans packed into General Motors Place to see Scary Spice, Baby Spice, Sporty Spice, Posh Spice and Alarmingly Muscular Spice go through all their biggest hits, plus that new song that nobody bought. And according to early reviews, the Spice Girls comeback show is a hit, even though at one point it apparently featured The Sporty Spice Tribute To Lenny Kravitz In Association With The Sort Of Harrowing Bondage Gear That Will Make You Spend The Rest Of Your Life Shivering And Alone.

By all accounts, going to one of Amy Winehouse's recent concerts has been a bit like funding a pikey's drug addiction by paying to watch her stare off into the middle distance and make a noise like a chicken choking on a shoelace.

However, it's not something you'll be able to again this year - Amy Winehouse has cancelled everything for the rest of the year; something she apparently decided two hours before she was set to play a show in Bournemouth last night. Hopefully Amy Winehouse cancelled the tour to focus on getting healthier and improving her state of mind rather than, say, sitting around in her house taking every drug ever invented. But let's not hope that Amy Winehouse disappears completely for the rest of the year, otherwise hecklerspray might spend December as a sort of barren wasteland, kept alive only by the possibility that Heather Mills might say "paedophile" in a funny high-pitched voice on GMTV again. 

When Led Zeppelin first announced a one-off comeback show, the demand for tickets was monumental - almost as if people had never seen a bunch of old hobbly old men play a song about runes in the style of helium-spazzed wizards before.

In fact, records show that every man, woman, child and animal on the face of the earth, living or dead, all tried to book a million tickets each for the Led Zeppelin reunion concert in London that's scheduled for next month. And such was the demand for Led Zeppelin tickets that a full Led Zeppelin reunion tour has long been rumoured, but always denied by the band itself. But now the cat might be out of the bag, because Led Zeppelin's support band has revealed that full comeback tour really is going to happen next year. And who have Led Zeppelin picked to support on such a colossal occasion? Pink Floyd? The Who? The Rolling Stones?

No. The Cult. You know. The Cult. They had that one song once.

Amy Winehouse might have to deal with the pressures of drug addiction, self-mutilation and a husband doing chokey for slapping the bloke from the boozer about, but she'll always have her music.

You see, when Amy Winehouse sings, all her troubles instantly get dissolved by her mellifluous voice and pitch-perfect delivery, and the euphoric reaction from the public is enough to lift Amy high above the mess that is her personal life and help her feel free of her burdens. No, wait, that's not true - at the opening of her UK tour in Birmingham last night, Amy Winehouse got booed by the crowd for being crap. Luckily, though, Amy Winehouse is a woman of grace and style, and she managed to win the disapproving crowd over by... no, wait, that's not true either.

What actually happened was that Amy Winehouse promised the entire audience that her husband would beat them all unconscious just as soon as he gets out of prison. You can't buy class like that.