Sinitta wants Simon Cowell to move house after an intruder was found in his wardrobe covered in blood. Sinitta probably thought she was the only person who was allowed to be found hiding in his house, acting like a lunatic.
The leaf-wearing maniac dated Simon in the ’80s and has remained his close friend ever since, mainly by sheer persistence.
She’s now very worried for Cowell and thinks he’s not safe where he lives and wants him to get the blue hell outta there. She also thinks it’s all about her. No, seriously.
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Olly Murs is an exciting young chap, isn’t he? When he’s not presenting the Xtra Factor, he’s batting off rumours about his sex life by claiming he’s an asexual castrato with a crippling level of shyness.
Now it seems that renowned wallflower Murs is coming out of his shell after his therapist dared him to ask Cheryl Cole on a date.
Cheryl’s act, Joe McWhatsisface, beat Olly to win the X Factor in 2010 but that didn’t stop the shy, retiring young Essex boy from saying that he would like to steal a kiss from Mrs Cole.
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Robert Dewey Hoskins, who probably writes for hecklerspray for all we know, was sentenced to 10 years in the clink in 1996 after being arrested for scaling a wall around Madonna’s home (impressive enough in itself) before threatening to slit her throat.
Seriously. We know her music isn’t as good as it used to be, but even we think that’s a bit much.
Anyway, understandably, Madge thought that this was all rather upsetting, and ended up testifying during Hoskins’ trial, saying that she had nightmares about the homeless man from Oregon after he kept appearing near her house. THE GOOD NEWS? He’s on the loose again!
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Poor famous people. They get plebs saying nasty things to them, which is of course, completely different to the lives of us normal troglodytes who spend an eternity being thoroughly pleasant to each other, without cross words ever uttered.
One such sad case is Kylie who has had to call the police because someone wrote some nasty words on twitter.
No, honestly.
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Befanged, alt.lifestyle tourist, Avril Lavigne, long ago decided that being a skatergirl wasn’t for her because acne, greasy hair and ill-fitting jeans wasn’t at all attractive. And so, she promptly went mental, spat at some photographers and became airbrushed.
Losing her raison d’être, she tottered off into some pop-twilight, only getting column inches for her clearly tedious private life.
Things livened up briefly when she got into a bar-room brawl with some women, which left her bozo hunk of a fella – Brody Jenner (how is that not a girl’s name?) – with a bit gash on his face. No, we’re not talking about him fellating Lavigne. Alas, now, she’s got nothing as the pair have decided to wave ta-ta to their relationship.
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Celebrity dregs Kerry Katona has posed in her grundies to show-off the fact that she now weighs marginally less than a manatee.
The mother-of-four blames her previous weight gain on the see-food diet; she saw it, she swallowed it, claiming to have gorged on ‘bread and cheese’.
‘Bread and cheese’, in this instance we hope, actually means she scarfed down insane amounts of pizza and Ginster’s pasties.
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You know what it’s like. You’re minding your own business, doing absolutely nothing wrong and then, KAPOW! Some awful Coldplay song barges into your subconscious while being used as an aspirational bit on some dreary television show.
It simply isn’t fair.
However, thanks to a singing intruder (there clearly should be more ‘singing intruders’… it needs to be a ‘thing’), Chris Martin now knows exactly what it is like for the rest of us poor, innocent, ear-having plebians.
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You know what’s great about parents? The fact that, as soon as they produce a child, they somehow become immediately wise. They have a deeper insight into the world around them. They appreciate the nuances of life and…
…who we tryintah kid here? Most parents are gulping twerps.
One such ball-brain is Kerry Katona who has decided to have a go at her ex-husband Brian McFadden (formerly of Westlife, creator of this date-rape abomination which we’ll never stop sharing). Granted, it’s not odd that exes would spar, but for the sake of her children and to show what a good role-model she is, Katona has decided to attack McFadz in the press so everyone can see how ugly their relationship is.
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