Articles tagged with: Simon Cowell
Simon Cowell Combines X Factor & Britain’s Got Talent In One Gigantic Evil Move
Hey kids! Do you like being spoon fed popular culture that you’ll eventually get sick of when the next talented young thing comes along? You do? Well that’s that bloody fantastic. You might have heard of Simon Cowell. He’s a man who wants to destroy the way we consume music and make us all buy the same drivel every year. So far, Simon and his team of chuckling sidekicks known as Louis Walsh, Cheryl Cole, Danni Minogue and former monkey Sharon Osbourne have introduced us to annoying twerps such as The Cheeky Girls, Chico, Leona Lewis, Leon Jackson, Michelle McManus and Alexandra Burke. Honestly, each time we hear their songs, we jizz in excitement. We’ll have to reload our ballsacks a bit quicker - Simon is combining both of his primetime shows!
Hey kids! Do you like being spoon fed popular culture that you’ll eventually get sick of when the next talented young thing comes along? You do? Well that’s that bloody fantastic. You might have heard of Simon Cowell. He’s a man who wants to destroy the way we consume music and make us all buy the same drivel every year. So far, Simon and his team of chuckling sidekicks known as Louis Walsh, Cheryl Cole, Danni Minogue and former monkey Sharon Osbourne have introduced us to annoying twerps such as The Cheeky Girls, Chico, Leona Lewis, Leon Jackson, Michelle McManus and Alexandra Burke. Honestly, each time we hear their songs, we jizz in excitement. We’ll have to reload our ballsacks a bit quicker - Simon is combining both of his primetime shows!
Simon Cowell, Timbaland and Zac Efron to Ruin More Lives: Together!
Think of a collection of the worst people imaginable - they would be arrogant, stupid, irritating and thoroughly pointless. The kind of people you get writing for hecklerspray, for example. Now imagine that collection is coming together in order to remake a movie that - as with most old movies - needs no remake and you're left with the situation we have today. For you see, Simon Cowell and Timbaland are rumoured to have joined forces to create a remake of Saturday Night Fever. Starring Zac Efron. For proof there is no such thing as god, see the above short paragraph.
Think of a collection of the worst people imaginable - they would be arrogant, stupid, irritating and thoroughly pointless. The kind of people you get writing for hecklerspray, for example. Now imagine that collection is coming together in order to remake a movie that - as with most old movies - needs no remake and you're left with the situation we have today. For you see, Simon Cowell and Timbaland are rumoured to have joined forces to create a remake of Saturday Night Fever. Starring Zac Efron. For proof there is no such thing as god, see the above short paragraph.
Britain’s Got Talent: Mid-Semis Roundup And Sweary Susan Boyle
We're halfway up the Everest of semi-finals week, and ITV have kindly given us a little sniff from a tank of oxygen, in the form of a day with no show. Caution: metaphor-stretching ahead. Since setting off from auditions basecamp, it's been a steady slog up the north face of Britain's Got Talent. The air's getting thinner than Darth Jackson's address book, and colder than the series of pumps and switches that pass for Amanda Holden's heart. But if you find yourself tiring, don't worry: Susan Boyle will truss you up with climbing rope and hoist you over her hefty shoulders.
We're halfway up the Everest of semi-finals week, and ITV have kindly given us a little sniff from a tank of oxygen, in the form of a day with no show. Caution: metaphor-stretching ahead. Since setting off from auditions basecamp, it's been a steady slog up the north face of Britain's Got Talent. The air's getting thinner than Darth Jackson's address book, and colder than the series of pumps and switches that pass for Amanda Holden's heart. But if you find yourself tiring, don't worry: Susan Boyle will truss you up with climbing rope and hoist you over her hefty shoulders.
Britain’s Got Talent Pt 1: Britain’s Got 4,000 Urban Dance Groups
Britain's Got Talent on Saturday began to tell us which 40 acts were to perform again for the public vote. And you'll never guess which Oprah-loving, Obama-hating, probably metal bar-bending Sottish singer made it. Give yourself ten points and a furtive crotch massage if you guessed Susan Boyle, she of The Voice, The Modesty and The Physical Characteristics Of A Balloon Rubbed On A Jumper Then Passed Over A Hairdresser's Floor. And Then Covered In Your Granny's Christmas Wrapping Paper.
Britain's Got Talent on Saturday began to tell us which 40 acts were to perform again for the public vote. And you'll never guess which Oprah-loving, Obama-hating, probably metal bar-bending Sottish singer made it. Give yourself ten points and a furtive crotch massage if you guessed Susan Boyle, she of The Voice, The Modesty and The Physical Characteristics Of A Balloon Rubbed On A Jumper Then Passed Over A Hairdresser's Floor. And Then Covered In Your Granny's Christmas Wrapping Paper.
Top Nine Why Are You On My Telly Screen?
The best way to judge the quality of a TV show (without the hassle of actually watching it) is to see which stars have signed up. Ricky Gervais enlisted Robert De Nero for Extras, while Never Mind the Buzzcocks has some tit from N-Dubz every single week. Here's the top Shite Mark of Quality celebrities to avoid at all costs...
The best way to judge the quality of a TV show (without the hassle of actually watching it) is to see which stars have signed up. Ricky Gervais enlisted Robert De Nero for Extras, while Never Mind the Buzzcocks has some tit from N-Dubz every single week. Here's the top Shite Mark of Quality celebrities to avoid at all costs...
Simon Cowell’s Ex-Girlfriend Gets Choked, Somewhat Inexplicably
Great, American Idol's over. We're thrilled. No more talking about American Idol for another... what's that? Simon Cowell's ex-girlfriend Terri Seymour was allegedly choked by someone who appears to be a nutbag outside the American Idol studios on Tuesday night, you say? Oh great. Thanks very much. There we were, thinking we were all done with writing about American Idol for 2009, but oh no - Terri Seymour's stupid throat had to get in the bloody way, didn't it? Well screw you, Terri Seymour's idiot windpipe. You've ruined everything. EVERYTHING. Terri Seymour is OK, by the way. We're not monsters.
Great, American Idol's over. We're thrilled. No more talking about American Idol for another... what's that? Simon Cowell's ex-girlfriend Terri Seymour was allegedly choked by someone who appears to be a nutbag outside the American Idol studios on Tuesday night, you say? Oh great. Thanks very much. There we were, thinking we were all done with writing about American Idol for 2009, but oh no - Terri Seymour's stupid throat had to get in the bloody way, didn't it? Well screw you, Terri Seymour's idiot windpipe. You've ruined everything. EVERYTHING. Terri Seymour is OK, by the way. We're not monsters.
American Idol: Simon Cowell Is A Stroppy Little Madam
God, is American Idol still going? Yeesh. We want it to end now. And it's not just us - Simon Cowell does too. Or we assume he does, based on his pissy demeanour throughout last night's American Idol. Last night, faced with the nightmarish proposition of Kris Allen singing One Republic, Adam Lambert singing U2 and - God help us all - Danny Gokey singing scat, Simon Cowell decided that the best way to get through American Idol was by being an arsehole. We're not making that up. Danny Gokey sang scat. Frankly we're surprised Simon Cowell didn't punch anyone in the face.
God, is American Idol still going? Yeesh. We want it to end now. And it's not just us - Simon Cowell does too. Or we assume he does, based on his pissy demeanour throughout last night's American Idol. Last night, faced with the nightmarish proposition of Kris Allen singing One Republic, Adam Lambert singing U2 and - God help us all - Danny Gokey singing scat, Simon Cowell decided that the best way to get through American Idol was by being an arsehole. We're not making that up. Danny Gokey sang scat. Frankly we're surprised Simon Cowell didn't punch anyone in the face.
What’s That? Britain’s Got Even More Mediocre Talent?
Another week, another horse-frighteningly ugly contestant wows the Britain's Got Talent judges. We've had Shaheen Jafargholi ('OMG, what a cutey!') and Susan Boyle ('WTF, that's a woman? You sure it's not Steve McFadden in a curly wig?'). Well, stand by for another four hour phonecall with your gran, because Britain's Got Talent has unearthed a third inbred monster who can halfway hold a tune. And this time, the facial hair is deliberate. It's another Welsh fella, which means the people of Swansea, Cardiff (and... er, Llarrghhllaachh?) will have to choose whether they love a man or a small boy. We should rephrase that.
Another week, another horse-frighteningly ugly contestant wows the Britain's Got Talent judges. We've had Shaheen Jafargholi ('OMG, what a cutey!') and Susan Boyle ('WTF, that's a woman? You sure it's not Steve McFadden in a curly wig?'). Well, stand by for another four hour phonecall with your gran, because Britain's Got Talent has unearthed a third inbred monster who can halfway hold a tune. And this time, the facial hair is deliberate. It's another Welsh fella, which means the people of Swansea, Cardiff (and... er, Llarrghhllaachh?) will have to choose whether they love a man or a small boy. We should rephrase that.
