THIS WEEK! ITS TIME! TO SING! SONGS FROM MOVIES! And probably not do a very good job at them. It's ?Movie Week? everybody. That's song from films that have been released in the old cinema.
Past year?s have had some truly terrifying performances, like Olly Murs waggling his penis to ?Twist And Shout,? Joe McElderry being generally closeted singing ?Circle of Life? and the Dreadward doing ?Ghostbusters.?
There was also the dichotomy of awful and brilliance (and the resurgence of Louis Walsh? famed Rulebook) when Jamie Afro (the awful) sang ?Crying? by Roy Orbison from the brilliantly nihilistic film Gummo. Needless to say Louis had no idea what Gummo was and almost lost his Lucky Charms over it, but what was stranger was Simon Cowell did know what it was. Perhaps he tried to buy the rights to remake the film with Eoghan Quigg as Bunny Boy. Or perhaps he knew that the most diverse film Louis Walsh has seen was ?Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert,? and wanted to really blow sand up his vagina.
This week?s show, if the rumours are true, is set to be another blandfest, with songs that everyone knows from films, like ?Purple Rain? or ?Stand By Me? being wheeled out to the delight of people who don't understand the true beauty of the movie theme.
Well we?ll look after you, avid hecklersprayers.
Get your flask of Bovril, your Viscount biscuit and we?ll take you on a magical trip through what songs the contestants should be singing if the people playing the X Factor strings had any cojones
Janet Devlin – Kiss From A Rose
Janet is the dullest contestant in this competition; she's the blandest dullard since beige pissed off the rest of the rainbow and set out on his journey to be the worst of all colours. Even black doesn't get as much guff as much as beige does. And black has the worst body odour since Russell Grant went onto Strictly. Stand next to black while you're waiting for a bus and you\’ll think you've been eating some good cheese or bad fish. Or Pixie Lott.
There's not much that Janet can do about it, even being edited to be bolshy and uppity isn't doing the desired effect. All that's going to happen is that when she leaves the competition, no one will want to touch Ellie Goulding Lite because she has such a bad attitude to things that she doesn't like, so why not try what we suggest and give her an ultra-dramatic song that sounds like the one that she likes to sing?
Which is why we picked Seal?s Kiss From A Rose. It's not the most taxing of songs to sing, admittedly, but when it comes to Janet Devlin, everyone is more concerned with how Irish she looks. She's like the most Irish woman. Even Gerry Adams, a man who lives in a perpetual state of Movember, would think that she was taking it too far.
Everyone likes Kiss From A Rose, just like everyone likes Seal, despite his face. It won't save her from being kicked off, but we might as well make the very most of her before she leaves the show and resigns herself from falling out of China White with her mosquito bites on show.
Misha B – Coconut
Coconut by Harry Nilsson is a genius song. It's equally great parts of reggae Island swing and a song about medical procedure. Which you just don't get enough of. Imagine if the staff of Casualty released a song about how shit the NHS was. It would be 100% fantastic. Of course it would end with Charlie getting off with that bird with the big hair and Jude getting stabbed by a smack addict.
The problem with Misha B is that everyone is getting bogged down by the claims of bullying slung at her like a monkey slings poop. Does anyone really, REALLY care whether she's a bully and that she said that one from Little Mix looked like the lovechild of Sloth and Quasimodo, using a frog as a surrogate?
Of course we don't. It's not going to affect our lives one little quark is it. In fact, it just gives us a chance to get outraged at something we can do something about. Y?know what that's called people? Pointless. If you want to change the World, why not stop showering and wiping yourself after a number two. Eventually, because humans are essentially cowards, people will stop talking to you.
This probably won't happen to Misha B, but she does take everything so seriously. To such an extent that when she talks now, post-performance, or gaping into Olly Murs? bulging crotch on ITV2, she talks like an excitable puppy on it's first Christmas, after just regaining it's sight, and getting a crafty BJ. Don't think that she hasn't been told to do this. Of course she has. It's like when Rachel Adedeji mimicked the nonsensical neighings of Stacey Solomon the brief time that she wasn?t in the Bottom Two. Reeks of insincerity and weirdy icky-woos.
So what Misha needs to do is do something so unbelievably stupid and happy that it blows every sad thing into the World?s orbit, leaving behind sunshine, rainbows and Gregg?s pain au chocolat.
?Coconut? would do this. Add a dubstep-lite beat if you want, and even add a rap about the toil of a nurse?s working day. But as long as she keeps the bare bones of the song intact, it would change the World of X Factor as we know it.
Craig Colton – Wise Up
Not very many people know of Aimee Mann, and those who do are maudlin weirdos. Although she may be an accomplished singer/songwriter, she has yet to write a song that wouldn't want to make you take a long bath with a razor blade. It's very depressing songs about lost loves and wasted opportunities.
Which is just what the male version of Adele is making a niche of. And when we say the ?male version of Adele? we mean all the savage obesity as well. He's so fat that somewhere Donatella Versace is having an eppy. Although how you would know is beyond me, she already talks with a slur with a half drooped face. Someone should probably alert Queen of Strokes Su Johnston to see if Donatella is alright. Go on. We?ll wait.
Everything alright? Fantastic.
With his cheeky quiff and the way he sings out the side of his mouth, like Dot Cotton with a fag hanging out of her scabby anus of a mouth, Craig is irritatingly talented. It seems like he can sing any Adele song almost as good as the chain smoking eclair maven. What a talent! Gary Barlow must have a right wide-on thinking that he can give Craig any song sung by a woman and get accolades thrown far and wide about how they have put their own spin on the song, even though you could go to LITERALLY any gay club and find some man singing a song by a woman. It's not that big a deal. REALLY.
Wise Up is a depressing missive that Craig can snarl out on a Saturday and people will coo ?Isn't he sensitive?? between mouthfuls of Domino?s Pizza. Job done Barlow, you can thank us in your Knighthood speech.
Marcus Collins – Loco In Acapulco
Marcus Collins is fast becoming one of the most consistent performers on this series of the X Factor, with his full toothed grin and his trademark catchphrase of ?I'm having fun? bringing out those homoerotic feelings in straight, not-so straight men and Louis Walsh alike.
Of late, Marcus has been told to sing songs with a rock and roll type production, with fancy dance moves and trousers that maybe are a little too tight for someone who wants to move around and not look like he's got a constant erective presence. I mean, what would OFCOM say if they realised his Dondelinger was practically on show. Well, we?ll probably find out a few weeks after everyone gets their boxer shorts knotted in impotent rage.
So it would be a shame for him to put away his penis and Buddy Holly-esque tendencies just yet. So instead of going all Bruno Mars-lite on us another week, we suggest that Barlow brings the whole production forward a decade and emulate the Soul Train era of Motown.
Tighter trousers, brighter teeth, take everything to extremes. Lets blind Katie Price with Marcus? teeth Gary. Let's blind the bitch. Let's do to her what she's done to teenage boys for years.
Amelia Lily – Beauty School Dropout
To be quite honest, we can give or take Amelia Lily at this stage in the competition. Her addition at this point seems a bit rapey, in that it's forced and not what everyone wanted. Her booming vocals might be just what the producers are after but have you seen the clip of her? The candy floss hair and enough makeup to blot out the Sun just scream college education, and this isn't what anyone likes to see when watching X Factor. We want good looking people who might or not be able to sing. They might be batshit mental like Kitty, or unnervingly charming like Johnny, but as long as they look good then we're not bothered.
It's generally give and take in the hecklerspray hovel. If there's no masturbatory undertones then you probably won't win our X Factor. And there's no wanking material with Amelia Lily. Do you know why? Because she's sixteen and already been fingered by professional coke monster Frankie Cocozza. That's not nice at all. It does give anyone the belief that anyone could have a gan on her; she's clearly not fussy.
Having Amelia sing ?Beauty School Dropout? from Grease is a fantastic idea for all because it's a bit tongue in cheek. She looks enough of a mess to authentically be a beauty school dropout and has Frenchie?s hair as well, so this would be the most aesthetically hilarious.
Little Mix – Hip To Be Square
hecklerspray disclaimer: If you think that saying nasty things about Jesy Little Mix is one of the World?s worst things, then you probably shouldn?t read this. Consider this a warning.
Listen to a joke we all know: What's green and smells of pork? Jesy?s mam and dad. That's right everybody. we're going in for the kill here. If someone has actively gone out of their way to attempt to make us feel sorry for someone who thinks its acceptable to dress in such a ridiculous manner, then they deserve everything that we say about them, Sir.
Without a shadow of a doubt, Little Mix are probably going to win this year?s X Factor. The combination of public pity because one of their member looks like someone over inflated a rugby ball and somewhat catchy interpretations of songs will carry them through to the final at least, where Jesy will probably crack under the pressure of having to march on a box AND sing a song everyone knows, making her head will pop like what happens in that Total Recall.
Sounds great doesn't it?
Even though her face will be blown into numerous squidgy pieces, she will still be able to look at her bandmates with the fervent excitement of a toddler who's just pumped for the first time*.
To get Little Mix some sort of credence before they shuffle off into some Cher Lloyd-esque nightmare, we think they should sing ?Hip To Be Square? by one of the best things about Back To The Future, Huey Lewis and The News, but not just any version. We want to see a version that is either a) a military marching band a la Gwen Stefani during the most successful part of her career, b) a plinky plonky sounding homage to The Cure with someone looking like Robert Smith or c) an acoustic version to show us how well they can actually sing.
In reality, we would probably get a version that Rizzle Kicks could pass off on their difficult second album, with rhythmic marching on perspex boxes and ill fitting trousers on. But they're just like every other girl in Britain so that's alright.
Except that most other girls in Britain are screaming harridans who threaten to make their boyfriend?s lives Hell in the local branch of Peacocks because they haven't paid up some money they were promised. That’s what men have to look forward to now.
And that's that. Do you agree or disagree? Tell us below. You know it makes sense. If you don't, we?ll send Jesy round and She'll just peer in your window at night; looking, planning. Touching herself.
* Remember how great life was back then?
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notbiginjapan says
You’re down on Amelia (not literally) but she’s among the bookies’ favourites to win – Frankie fingering or no. Yes there’s the suspect relationship with her dad and ectoplasmic film of Boots’ dry skin foundation but, unlike Kitty, she hasn’t worn glitter on her face and that’s significant.
As a fan of Hecklerspray I’m pleased to discover the role onanism plays in selecting your favourites. Here, on my site, I have taken baby steps with a flow diagram to work out if a contestant is ‘real’ or fake’ but I am moving towards a big, scientific, equation to work out if someone will win the X Factor:
http://www.notbiginjapan.com/2011/11/keeping-it-real-about-being-fake.html
As the day and time of this comment as well as the creation of such a flow diagram will attest, I’m in want of a life – even masturbation is aspirational right now.