Former singer and current one-hit-wonder masquerading as a musical intellectual, Sinitta, has never been lauded for her intelligence or even for her musical talent but her latest move, “sensationally” quitting the ITV anus-fest “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!” before she even got as far as the airport.
According to sources, Sinitta was under the impression that the show was a massive hoax, put out by profligate executives who are willing to pay not only the wages of Geordie mafia boys Ant n’ Dec but also fork out for a luxury hotel for the stars to live in while they’re not being filmed.
Silly Sinitta.
Just days before the series is set to launch in front of a bumper audience of SIXTY PEOPLE, Sinitta has pulled out supposedly suffering panic attacks and having ludicrous nightmares about being choked to death by a basilisk-like Simon Cowell while a spider-with-the-face-of-Gary Barlow repeatedly bit her on the kneecap.
These vivid and entirely accurate visions of jungle life caused Sinitta to abandon her Australian jaunt.
Rumours were quickly quashed that Sinitta’s role in the whole “I’m A Celebrity” package was to pull out early because of her phobias, thus convincing the public that the show is real and that the “celebrities” do indeed sleep in hammocks suspended just above the jungle floor. As opposed to in hotels. As we would secretly suspect if we actually cared enough one way or the other.
“Everyone is gutted Sinitta is not doing it.”
Said a source who also revealed that the producers were now terrified that there would be no-one to “do a McKeith” and scream, whine, bitch and moan about every little thing that happens to them in the jungle.
In preparation for the show, Sinitta had covered her house with fake spiders and snakes as she desperately prepared to take on the ‘rhumble in the jungle’. Many are said to be devastated that Sinitta will not be revealing the size of Simon Cowell’s penis during a heart-to-heart with Freddie Starr.
That’s television.
The show will again be hosted by everyone’s favourite “distinctly average couple” Ant and Dec and kicks off its already much maligned run this Sunday.
Who else is going into the jungle? we hear you scream silently. Well, there’s Mark Wright, Dougie Poynter (out of McFly), Lorraine Chase (no idea), Willie Carson and the afore-mentioned Freddie Starr.
We’re simply suicidal at the prospect.
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