Posts tagged as:

Simon Cowell

Kelly Rowland Loves A Good Ol’ Sex Shop

by Matthew Laidlow

Who doesn’t love the X-Factor? Oh that’s right, people who listen to supposed “real” music. They’re the types who’ll only listen to music made by those who play their own instruments, write songs without the word “love” being mentioned and only release fifty copies of their album on limited edition cassette tapes. For everyone else, [...]

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X Factor Review Week 15: Angina in Your Hand

by Sophie Hall

Well, what another hotbed of mayhem and violation of societal norms it’s been on the X Factor this week. Whatever you do, don’t let us go on and on about it, kay? This week on The X Factor, the sound editors got in an extra crate of Aftershock (Spiced Berry black, obviously. They’re not squares) [...]

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Gary Barlow Thinks Modern Pop Videos Are Too Sexual (Take That Would Never Do Such A Thing!)

by Mof Gimmers

Gary Barlow has always shared a certain stuffiness of his namesake, Ken Barlow. He was always something of a curmudgeon in the world of the boy band, and as he gets older, he’s showing no signs of changing. Grumping into view, Barlow has criticised modern pop videos, saying that they’re just too rude. You wouldn’t [...]

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Is Kelly Rowland Ditching UK X Factor For USA, Boo Boo?

by Mof Gimmers

This year, the UK version of the X Factor has gone through some serious changes. For starters, there’s no Simon Cowell with his rolling eyes and odd man-baps on the judging panel. Cheryl Cole vanished too, leaving us with Gary Barlow, Tulisa and Kelly Rowland to sit with the increasingly distressing Louis Walsh. Tulisa, who [...]

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X Factor Set To Ruin More Film Themes But Not If We Had Our Way

by Robin Darke

THIS WEEK! ITS TIME! TO SING! SONGS FROM MOVIES! And probably not do a very good job at them. It’s ‘Movie Week’ everybody. That’s song from films that have been released in the old cinema. Past year’s have had some truly terrifying performances, like Olly Murs waggling his penis to ‘Twist And Shout,’ Joe McElderry [...]

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Piers Morgan Is Leaving America’s Got Talent But Unfortunately Plans To Stay In The Public Eye

by Michael Park

There’s only one way to start an article about Piers Morgan and that’s with an unabashed string of obscenities and threats aimed squarely at the former Mirror editor and dough-faced clown. Unfortunately though, we have to be (minutely) more professional than that and would therefore urge you to launch your own insults at this image [...]

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Sinitta Quits “I’m A Celebrity” Before She Even Gets As Far As The Airport

by Michael Park

Former singer and current one-hit-wonder masquerading as a musical intellectual, Sinitta, has never been lauded for her intelligence or even for her musical talent but her latest move, “sensationally” quitting the ITV anus-fest “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!” before she even got as far as the airport. According to sources, Sinitta was [...]

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Frankie Cocozza Booted Off X Factor For ‘Breaking Golden Rule’, Whatever That Means

by Mof Gimmers

Well would you believe it? Frankie Cocozza has been given the heave-ho from the X Factor, which means that all you people who hate him won’t have blood erupting from your eyes every Saturday night. Are you happy? Of course you’re not. Janet Devlin still exists with her faux-modesty, which is a crime far worse [...]

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X Factor Review Week 12: Review Disco Bullous Impetigo

by Sophie Hall

Have a nice time at the fireworks, did you? Ate a potato and wrote the F word with a sparkler, did we? Well – that’s quite enough satire for one day, guys. It’s a double elimination on the X Factor, and in a few weeks we’re going to have a professional musician on our hands, [...]

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Steve Jones And Nicole Scherzinger Are Being Forced To Have Sex By Simon Cowell

by Mof Gimmers

Steve Jones is so potent that he could get a homophobe’s trousers aroused. He could probably get a kitchen table pregnant. God. He’s just so sexual. He’s so sexy that TV productions companies know it and that, because he’s got a relatively self-effacing sense of humour, you can say that people are having sex with [...]

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