Articles tagged with: Simon Cowell
Simon Cowell Awaits Susan Boyle’s Destruction With Glee
In Susan Boyle, Simon Cowell has created a monster. No, that's unfair - Susan Boyle's ancestral DNA created a monster. But we digress. Thanks to the YouTube video of her Britain's Got Talent audition, Susan Boyle is the most famous woman in the world. True, most of her YouTube viewers were possibly using the video as a twisted test of endurance - like 2 Girls 1 Cup but with an obviously much worse soundtrack - but, again, we digress. Anyway, Susan Boyle probably thinks that she's got Britain's Got Talent all sewn up now. But not if Simon Cowell's got anything to do with it.
In Susan Boyle, Simon Cowell has created a monster. No, that's unfair - Susan Boyle's ancestral DNA created a monster. But we digress. Thanks to the YouTube video of her Britain's Got Talent audition, Susan Boyle is the most famous woman in the world. True, most of her YouTube viewers were possibly using the video as a twisted test of endurance - like 2 Girls 1 Cup but with an obviously much worse soundtrack - but, again, we digress. Anyway, Susan Boyle probably thinks that she's got Britain's Got Talent all sewn up now. But not if Simon Cowell's got anything to do with it.
American Idol: Quentin Tarantino? Guh?
Last night American Idol sang songs from the movies - specifically the movies with dreadful power ballads in them. Honestly American Idol, Songs From The Movies? Be more broad next time, we dare you. Why not have a Songs That Exist night? Or, if you feel that's too constricting for your audience, why not have an Arbitrarily-Chosen Ambient Sounds night? Would you watch Lil Rounds give a heartbreaking performance of Dot Matrix Printer Paper Jam? Because we bloody would. Anyway, because last night's American Idol was about films, the show booked Quentin Tarantino to be the guest mentor. Which was weird.
Last night American Idol sang songs from the movies - specifically the movies with dreadful power ballads in them. Honestly American Idol, Songs From The Movies? Be more broad next time, we dare you. Why not have a Songs That Exist night? Or, if you feel that's too constricting for your audience, why not have an Arbitrarily-Chosen Ambient Sounds night? Would you watch Lil Rounds give a heartbreaking performance of Dot Matrix Printer Paper Jam? Because we bloody would. Anyway, because last night's American Idol was about films, the show booked Quentin Tarantino to be the guest mentor. Which was weird.
Is Simon Cowell Leaving American Idol? Is He? IS HE? Etc
Simon Cowell isn't American, and people only drop to their knees around him to escape the dangle of his pendulous manboobs. However, Simon Cowell is American Idol. You know what American Idol would be without Simon Cowell? It'd be exactly the same as it already is, but without a startlingly smug man with ridiculous teeth going out of his way to offend homosexuals and the mentally ill. So basically it'd be rubbish. But it might happen - Simon Cowell is dropping a number of hints that he'll leave American Idol next year. But not X Factor or Britain's Got Talent. Curses.
Simon Cowell isn't American, and people only drop to their knees around him to escape the dangle of his pendulous manboobs. However, Simon Cowell is American Idol. You know what American Idol would be without Simon Cowell? It'd be exactly the same as it already is, but without a startlingly smug man with ridiculous teeth going out of his way to offend homosexuals and the mentally ill. So basically it'd be rubbish. But it might happen - Simon Cowell is dropping a number of hints that he'll leave American Idol next year. But not X Factor or Britain's Got Talent. Curses.
American Idol: Scott MacIntyre Goes To Badly-Dressed Heaven
Last night American Idol lost one of its biggest personalities, by which we mean one of its stupidest haircuts. We barely knew Scott MacIntyre. Well, we knew that he was legally blind and that, as such, the American Idol producers liked to get their kicks by squeezing him into bright pink trousers and cutting his hair into bizarre curly shrines to golden era David Hasselhoff. And isn't that enough? Oh, and we also knew that Scott MacIntyre couldn't sing very well, otherwise he'd have done better at American Idol. Or maybe America just hates the blind. Yes, that's probably it.
Last night American Idol lost one of its biggest personalities, by which we mean one of its stupidest haircuts. We barely knew Scott MacIntyre. Well, we knew that he was legally blind and that, as such, the American Idol producers liked to get their kicks by squeezing him into bright pink trousers and cutting his hair into bizarre curly shrines to golden era David Hasselhoff. And isn't that enough? Oh, and we also knew that Scott MacIntyre couldn't sing very well, otherwise he'd have done better at American Idol. Or maybe America just hates the blind. Yes, that's probably it.
American Idol: Simon Cowell 4 Adam Lambert IDST
Out of the way blindy, shove over morbid widower - there's really only one person who'll win American Idol now. And that's Adam Lambert. Even though, just a few weeks ago, he basically performed Ring Of Fire in the style of three dial-up modems going off simultaneously in an echo chamber, Adam Lambert has now pulled it together and received the highest accolade available to American Idol contestants. That's right - Paula Abdul tried to put her hands down his pants at the aftershow. Wait, no, that's not it. We meant that Simon Cowell gave Adam Lambert a standing ovation last night.
Out of the way blindy, shove over morbid widower - there's really only one person who'll win American Idol now. And that's Adam Lambert. Even though, just a few weeks ago, he basically performed Ring Of Fire in the style of three dial-up modems going off simultaneously in an echo chamber, Adam Lambert has now pulled it together and received the highest accolade available to American Idol contestants. That's right - Paula Abdul tried to put her hands down his pants at the aftershow. Wait, no, that's not it. We meant that Simon Cowell gave Adam Lambert a standing ovation last night.
Simon Cowell To Be Massive Awful Git In Future As Well
Hey, here's Jamie Ross from Cancerous Capers with a guest blog... On the grand scale of awful men, Simon Cowell ranks at some point between Josef Goebbels and Gok Wan. Say what you like about the Nazis, but at least they didn’t laugh about how fat Eva Braun looked in her pants or employ Piers Morgan. The list of Cowell’s atrocities against mankind is almost endless. As if making it possible for Piers Morgan to buy food wasn’t bad enough, he’s also single-handedly attempted to destroy a once proud music industry by unleashing a seemingly infinite army of squawking, perma-sobbing idiots onto the charts. All whilst wearing his trousers like your senile granddad and his T-shirts like your sexually-ambiguous uncle who’s spiralling into a midlife crisis.
Hey, here's Jamie Ross from Cancerous Capers with a guest blog... On the grand scale of awful men, Simon Cowell ranks at some point between Josef Goebbels and Gok Wan. Say what you like about the Nazis, but at least they didn’t laugh about how fat Eva Braun looked in her pants or employ Piers Morgan. The list of Cowell’s atrocities against mankind is almost endless. As if making it possible for Piers Morgan to buy food wasn’t bad enough, he’s also single-handedly attempted to destroy a once proud music industry by unleashing a seemingly infinite army of squawking, perma-sobbing idiots onto the charts. All whilst wearing his trousers like your senile granddad and his T-shirts like your sexually-ambiguous uncle who’s spiralling into a midlife crisis.
Simon Cowell’s Manmams Offend Idol Contestant, Millions of Viewers
Simon Cowell is famous for gratuitously insulting the contestants on his TV show, American Idol. That and having a big pair of broobs. Well look out Simon, because there's a new insulter in Idoltown. And you're the target of his laughably pisspoor schoolyard badmouthing. Having built his television career and bank account on a talent for creatively insulting social misfits and the mentally off-kilter (also, the Welsh), Simon Cowell has had it pretty much his own way. Intimidated by his lowering glare, these poor simpletons could do little but stand mute, caught like rabbits in the searchlight intensity of the man's teeth. Until this week, when finally one of these saps grew a pair and began flinging insult filth back at Cowell. Only problem: the flinger seemed to have the insult mind age of a four-year-old.
Simon Cowell is famous for gratuitously insulting the contestants on his TV show, American Idol. That and having a big pair of broobs. Well look out Simon, because there's a new insulter in Idoltown. And you're the target of his laughably pisspoor schoolyard badmouthing. Having built his television career and bank account on a talent for creatively insulting social misfits and the mentally off-kilter (also, the Welsh), Simon Cowell has had it pretty much his own way. Intimidated by his lowering glare, these poor simpletons could do little but stand mute, caught like rabbits in the searchlight intensity of the man's teeth. Until this week, when finally one of these saps grew a pair and began flinging insult filth back at Cowell. Only problem: the flinger seemed to have the insult mind age of a four-year-old.
American Idol: Simon & Kara Hate Each Other! Yay!
It's no secret that new American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi might be the person to kill the show forever. You see, American Idol viewers loved the previous 'idiot idiot arsehole' judging dynamic. And roping in a vowelly nobody to be the superfluous fourth judge seemed like folly. Or at least it did, until this week's American Idol, which mostly seemed to be about Kara DioGuardi fighting with Simon Cowell in an argument that can only end with bloodshed and grisly death. Or lots of angry sex on the American Idol judging desk. God, we hope it's the death one.
It's no secret that new American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi might be the person to kill the show forever. You see, American Idol viewers loved the previous 'idiot idiot arsehole' judging dynamic. And roping in a vowelly nobody to be the superfluous fourth judge seemed like folly. Or at least it did, until this week's American Idol, which mostly seemed to be about Kara DioGuardi fighting with Simon Cowell in an argument that can only end with bloodshed and grisly death. Or lots of angry sex on the American Idol judging desk. God, we hope it's the death one.
