Say what you like about Kelly Osbourne, but… no, seriously. Say whatever you like. We’re not Kelly Osbourne so we’re not going to defend her. That’s because she’s rather fond of doing it for herself.
See, Kelly has had a privileged but awkward upbringing, and so, as some coping mechanism, developed a really loud mouth.
If you go after her, she’ll probably huff and puff and yell your house down. So, when an ex of hers starts slating her on twitter, she’s not likely to take it lying down is she? Especially when she’s still grieving over the loss of her friend, Amy Winehouse.
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Dog owners are idiots. They dote on their flea-bitten shit-factories like they’re proper members of the family, despite the fact they do no work around the house, demand food and walkies and are only good for blaming your flatulence on.
Not that dog owners would ever let on. They look into their idiot dog’s eyes and mistake stupidity for some kind of human empathy. ‘My dog understands me and is always there when I need them!’ Dogs are always there, period. They’re after food or a piss, not a heart-to-heart. Dogs probably don’t even have hearts. Just more shit.
Of course, the rest of us perfectly sensible humans have to put up with people when their dogs die. We suffered like Jesus on the cross when Jennifer Aniston’s dog passed-away, and now, we are required to do the same for Kelly Osbourne who has lost the only thing in her life that she felt was an intellectual equal.
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You’d think that Sharon Osbourne was unshockable wouldn’t you? After all, she’s willingly had intercourse with Ozzy Osbourne, probably with the lights on too. She’s also stared at her own surgically enhanced face in the mirror, while wearing no make-up. She lets her dogs shit in the house.
However, it seems Sharon is a bit of a prude, especially when it comes to accidental porn.
Now, that’s not to say she’s discovered a new niche of bongo films, where people get off with each other while in a train wreck (it’s only a matter of time before that takes off), but rather, her cheery daughter, Kelly, has revealed that Sharon was left agog after someone accidentally sent some smut to her mobile.
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Twitter has been a lovely device for sharks like us. We sit around staring idly at celebrity accounts, counting down from ten for when they start spouting off about things. The Osbourne Family, who aren’t exactly strangers to opening their mouths before kicking their tongues in gear are clearly perfect for the direct-line of social networking.
This week, it’s Kelly Osbourne who is letting rip in a seven-post-long rant defending her mum Sharon over claims made in Dannii Minogue’s new book.
We know! Dannii Minogue has a bloody book out! Can you believe it? Read More >>>
Week 274 of Ameria’s Got Talent, and the ten remaining acts audition again, for your votes.
Well, either your votes, or else the approval of the goat’s entrails which the judges seem to have been relying on these past few weeks to tell them which act gets their discretionary nod.
If you, like us, are getting a little tired of this season’s judges’ decisions – which they apparently make by asking themselves “Which of these acts is worst at delivering the one, simple, specific thing which they claim as their whole reason for being here?” – then take heart! After the jump, we introduce you to the awesomely majestic mighty magnificence which is… the AGT Drinking Game.
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Will the producers of America’s Got Talent be able to find a mad-haired old fat lady, just like the Brits did? The clue is in the question: what with this being America, they’ll doubtless be fighting them off with sticks.
Of course, America has to do things a bit bigger than anybody else. So we fully expect their version of Susan Boyle to be a 1o00lb monster with hair like a mammoth’s pubes, who has to be poured onto the stage from the back of a dump truck.
Join us after the jump, when we look at how the show’s first week went.
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Sharon Osbourne needs to learn that she can’t just attack someone without experiencing any repercussions.
Unless she attacked Kelly Osbourne, obviously. Then we’d probably stage a Murder On The Orient Express-style cover-up out of nothing but sheer gratitude. It’s not relevant to this story, but we would. Someone tell Sharon we would.
Anyway, one woman who Sharon Osbourne allegedly did attack is Megan Hauserman, the girl famous for being in that video of Sharon Osbourne attacking her. And now Megan Hauserman is suing Sharon Osbourne for it. Wouldn’t have happened if Sharon Osbourne had attacked Kelly Osbourne, that’s all we’re saying.
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You might not like Sharon Osbourne – specifically her stupid haircut, weird face and ridiculous Skeletor voice.
And that’s fine. But even Sharon Osbourne has her limits. Cross them and she’ll sue your flipping bum off. That’s what Sharon Osbourne did to The Sun after it claimed she was working Ozzy Osbourne ‘to destruction’ to keep her rich, and she’s won a substantial payout from it.
So whatever you do, don’t say that Sharon Osbourne is trying to kill her husband with work. But feel free to laugh at her funny Skeletor voice. That’s probably OK. If it isn’t, we’re screwed.
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