Sharon Osbourne needs to learn that she can’t just attack someone without experiencing any repercussions.
Unless she attacked Kelly Osbourne, obviously. Then we’d probably stage a Murder On The Orient Express-style cover-up out of nothing but sheer gratitude. It’s not relevant to this story, but we would. Someone tell Sharon we would.
Anyway, one woman who Sharon Osbourne allegedly did attack is Megan Hauserman, the girl famous for being in that video of Sharon Osbourne attacking her. And now Megan Hauserman is suing Sharon Osbourne for it. Wouldn’t have happened if Sharon Osbourne had attacked Kelly Osbourne, that’s all we’re saying.
It’s probably fair to say that, of all the lesbian fantasies that have ever crossed the mind of even the most uncomfortably subhuman teenage boy in the history of mankind, none will have been as downright depraved as the catfight between Sharon Osbourne and Megan Hauserman from last year.
You’ll remember the fight, of course. On the reunion show of VH1’s Rock Of Love: Charm School Sharon Osbourne aimed a few of her weirdly drag-queenish barbs at Megan Hauserman – a girl who looks like the painful results of a genetic experiment involving Dolph Lundgren and a basketball factory – until Megan retorted by calling Sharon’s husband Ozzy Osbourne ‘braindead’.
At that point Sharon Osbourne threw her drink all over Megan Hauserman before wading in for what would have been a stupendously watchable attack were it not for the fact that all the cameramen filming the attack started jumping up and down and spinning around in circles and basically doing everything apart from the one thing they’re paid to do, which is to film desperately unclassy women acting like arseholes to each other.
But now we at least have some idea of what may have happened during the flare-up, because Megan Hauserman has decided to sue Sharon Osbourne for it. And, as BBC News reports, for all the damages Megan’s claiming Sharon may as well have lopped her knockers off with a machete:
The lawsuit claims claims battery, negligence and intentional infliction of emotional distress. Ms Hauserman alleges that she has suffered physical and mental injuries in addition to emotional pain and suffering. She is also claiming past, present and future medical expenses, loss of earning capacity and business opportunities.
Now, fair enough, it can’t have been especially nice for Hauserman to be allegedly attacked in front of an audience like that – especially by someone as genuinely objectionable as Sharon Osbourne – but, seriously, loss of earning potential? Her entire career is based on going on reality TV shows and being both stupid and unlikeable. Surely provoking Sharon Osbourne until she gets roughed up has ramped up her earning potential to brand new heights, if anything. She must be, what, an N-list celebrity by now?
But still, let’s hope that Sharon Osbourne learns from this lawsuit and never thinks about physically attacking anyone again. It’s completely redundant, anyway – why go to the energy of beating someone up when the sound of her voice alone is usually enough to get people desperately trying to smack themselves unconscious with the back end of a shovel?