Week 274 of Ameria’s Got Talent, and the ten remaining acts audition again, for your votes.
Well, either your votes, or else the approval of the goat’s entrails which the judges seem to have been relying on these past few weeks to tell them which act gets their discretionary nod.
If you, like us, are getting a little tired of this season’s judges’ decisions – which they apparently make by asking themselves “Which of these acts is worst at delivering the one, simple, specific thing which they claim as their whole reason for being here?” – then take heart! After the jump, we introduce you to the awesomely majestic mighty magnificence which is… the AGT Drinking Game.
Yes, it’s been an odd season. Despite being humiliatingly told off on an aeroplane by Simon Cowell – sat, sulking, like naughty toddlers being denied their playtime – the judges have still continued with their ploy of putting contestants through based solely on their astrological chart, mother’s maiden name or extremely homosexual facial hair (at this point, please indulge yourself with a little Susan Boyle gag).
How else, after all,? to explain Tony & Rory getting through a couple of weeks ago? You remember them: the man who sported the very dictionary definition of “that moustache what is worn by middle-aged gay men” threw frisbees for his insane dog, which decided that its job was to headbutt them into the audience and then stand at the front of the stage, menacing the crowd with its mad, mad eyes.
Well, we’re sick of it. And how do we deal with that? Why, just like everything else in our lives which annoys or depresses us: by pouring alcohol down our gullets until the hurt goes away.
It’s an AGT drinking game, and here are the prescribed doses for various scenarios:
Hoffisms: each time David Hasselhoff clumsily replaces a syllable from an everyday English word with Hoff – Hofftastic, Hoffnificent, Hoffaleujah -? the drinker shall chug one half pint of beer.
Special Circumstances: if the Hoff is inserted in an uncomfortably jarring way – Hoffazing, Unbehoffable, Hoffcredihoff – then the forfeit shall be one whole pint.
Osbourneos: players shall maintain careful vigilance of Sharon Osbourne‘s tightly-strung facial muscles. Any participant observing the tiniest of movements between the hairline and the lips shall drink a Lemon Bacardi Breezer (Tia Maria and Coke is an acceptable substitute).
Special Circumstances: if there be an act which Sharon deems to have performed less than “stellar”, “amazing”, or “absolutely fantastic”, then all players shall consume an amount of gin sufficient to render them less coherent than Ozzy.
Morganites: players should pay close attention to the sounds formed by Piers Morgan‘s lips during each show (Safety Note: in order to accomplish this without mental distress, we recommend three fingers of strong rum be consumed prior to start time). If at any point an observer believes they have heard an actual human language word emitted – which does not, of course, include the sounds made by a melting snowman, a gurgling baby or The Elephant Man speaking through a toilet-paper tube. Underwater. While chewing a marshmallow – then they should…
Actually, the rules are rather unclear about this. We suggest seeking psychiatric assistance as soon as possible after flushing the ears with bleach, hydrogen peroxide and gunpowder.
Special Circumstances: should a gamer spot the thin line of drool beginning to emerge from the corner of Morgan’s mouth before the show’s producers manage to cut away, they shall be allowed to retire from the game (Mental Disturbance Rule, outlined in Rules, 3.1.5).
What’s that? You also want to hear about last night’s winners?
You perverts.
Drew Stephen: man who can’t sing, but who looks a bit like Ryan Seacrest somehow mated with Brad Pitt, and will therefore go further than he should.
Barbara Padilla: woman who sings opera really rather well. So, a bit like Neal E. Boyd, last year’s winner. Only female, somewhat-physically-attractive, and doesn’t-look-like-a-sculpture-of-The-Thing-from-The-Fantastic-Four-made-out-of-biscuits-and-butter.
Erik And Rickie: two dancing kids who you’ve probably accurately summed up by looking at how they spell their names. Unintentionally hilarious homepage seems to reveal the pair as being a horribly inbred little smugwad, and an alien’s attempt at being a human girl but with the head on backwards.
Recycled Percussion: Now then. We’ve spent many weeks mocking America’s blobby little phone-pokers and their absurd choices of acts to send through.
This one, though, was beyond our ability to compute: Recycled Percussion, a group of alarmingly ugly blokes who use bin lids and discarded syringes as drums/drumsticks, go through instead of the sexy, charming, delightful, sexy, loose-limbed, sexy, SEXY Ishaara?
You wanted literally rubbish, and grotesquely hideous, drummers instead of massively talented, and sexily sexy, Indian dancers? Hey, America: we’re a bit miffed.
We shall see you next week, when…oh, God alone knows. It is revealed that there will be a special-mystery-surprise-celebrity act in the final, which turns out to be David using his nose to push an errant hamburger around the stage?
We live in hope.
matrix1004 says
AGREED! Recycled Percussion was awful. It just sounded like noise. We couldn’t even tell if they were playing anything or if it was just a backing track. So 2 guys banged on buckets & 2 made sparks with grinders!?! I’m pretty sure that any 4 people I know could do the exact same thing. And the judges were so impressed that the stage leaned slightly forward?! Big deal! That doesn’t mean those guys have talent. Terrible decision. Also, Erik & Rickie were extremely boring. Maybe they’re okay, but they only stuck around because they’re little kids. Anyone older doing the exact same act would’ve been buzzed. BOOO! AND, how can anyone explain that Tony & Rory are in the Top 20, but Pam Martin’s Top Dogs are not?! I really like Tony & Rory, but Tony needs to drop out and give his spot to Pam.
Amanda says
Totally disagree about Recycled Percussion! They were so awesome. It was exciting and woke me the f up. Plus the two drummer guys are so hott and sexy! From that comment alone I can tell this article was written by a dude, lol.
Mike Hawk says
Recycled Percussion = Boy “Band” playing along to bad music. What woke you up, Amanda, was the song Ballroom Blitz (by someone else) and some pyrotechnics. The band was hardly audible. Help me understand why this is good music.
Kailn says
I think you people are wrong about recycled percussion they are great so is Drew Stevyns. I like both of them A-LOT
Edward Costigan says
For the negative people who say Recycled Percussion is just hitting a load of trash or just banging on trash cans, you are correct. However they are doing extremely complex beats and extremely fast rhythms that 98% of the audience would never be able to achieve in the next 5 years. If you think this statement is false, please start your own band as soon as possible so that next year you can show these guys what real talented drumming is. They do not have a talent like Barbara Padilla where they were born with a gift, they have worked years to achieve these talents. They are the most talented act on this show, the most entertaining and also the most creative.
agtfan says
SOOO wrong about Recycled Percussion. AMAZING talent! Justin is the fastest drummer in the world, and thats not talent? Wow. Recycled percussion could win the ENTIRE competition. They rose to the occasion and delivered an incredible performance. LOVE these boys. Great people too<3
:]
Jenna says
Well, guess we know what kind of other talent these guys have. Hope it helps them in jail.
http://www.tmz.com/2009/09/10/talent-finalist-under-criminal-investigation/
RecycledBongcussion says
I just noticed this from Recycled Percussion’s Wikipedia entry. Awesome for a band with an anti-drug message.
http://tinyurl.com/recycledconcussion
Maxx says
Seriously Recycled Percussion is amazing! I’ve seen them a few times and its a great show. I am also a drummer and have been for years and I’m not half as fast as them. Crazy fast, always in time, and the choreography is tight. Not to mention Justin IS one of the fastest drummers, and that’s single stroke too, not double strokes (if you don’t know what that means look it up) so that’s talent. No doubt.
craig says
Recylced Percussion is a rip-off. They obviously stole the “water drumming” from Blue Man Group.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sonlZv7IOxY
Kathy says
Hey Amanda!
Don’t feel bad because you were not familiar with the music, Ballroom Blitz. Only losers who sit around and play Rock Band all day know that one. It’s a real yawner when Sweet does it, but Recycled Percussion took out all of the zzzzzzzz and added wheeeeeeeeee!
They woke me up, too! Great rendition of the song! Talent!
Andrew says
Wow you obviously have no idea how much effort RP puts into their shows.
Joe says
Recycled percussion: Dreadful noise from not-very-talented people. Its so painfully vanilla. And there is nothing complex or intricate about their beats. Anyone with a year and a half or two years of drum fundamentals can so what they do, playing fast is not a talent. Playing triplets and beats in 9/8 is not talent.
Andre says
The fact that you continue to bash the performers and judges just show what a sad individual you are. Despite this aborted atrocity of a review. Most of America loved these performances. Especially recycled percussion. Yes they were playing with rubbish, but the fact that they were able to play such complex beats on rubbish is amazing, I would wager that even a skeptical S.O.D like you wouldn’t be able to produce the same quality of rhythm with the proper instruments
Samanta Z says
UHHHHH, i know this was last year, but still, I saw the guys from recycled percussion face to face and they are the hottest guys you could ever see and they’re amazing drummers. You jealous ignorant
tom says
yeah recycled percussion was in my town 3 days ago best concert i have ever seen and i’m a straight guy and i cant they they look “grotesque” or ugly geez have a heart those guys work their asses off for what they do and they do a hell of a job at it
Penny Igoe says
I’m working on this for the English tx, I like Recyled Percussion, they are fun and good looking guys, but can anyone explain why Kevin Skinner won? He can’t sing.