Tuesday night saw the re-auditioning of some of the season’s losers, per the orders of Godfather Simon Cowell.
Last week, America’s Got Talent brought? a couple hundred of its remaining acts to Las Vegas. More specifically, to a Las Vegas airport hangar. Upon their arrival David Hasselhoff appeared, dressed as a homosexual 18th Century plantation owner, to tell all of the best acts that the whole thing had been a con and they were going straight back home.
The foolishness was halted by an unexpected phonecall from the ultimate boss, Simon Cowell, telling the moronic judges they had to reconsider their choices. So, who would be back in? Let’s see…
Yes, the ending of last week’s AGT showed the judges receiving a threatening call from Cowell while they were midair in their private jet – nice sadistic touch, Evil Overlord – to tell them:
“Hi guys, it’s Simon here. I’ve just had a look at your choices for the top 40… we have a very, very serious problem here.”
Cut from the show was his follow-up statement:
“I am holding your closest family members in a New Jersey lockup. I suggest you reconsider your choices, because in twelve hours your loved ones’ oxygen will run out and they will die slowly. Painfully.“
Having been chastised like naughty five-year olds by the one man who actually has power, the judges had to spend last night pretending that, honestly, they kind of liked the acts they had previously discarded.
It was like that awkward moment during every high school reunion when someone asks a buddy they haven’t seen in years, “Hey, do you remember that fat chick with the bad breath that you used to date? Denise Something?”
And they reply comes, “Yes, we got married six years ago“.
Here’s Sharon Osbourne‘s critique of the fight-for your-life performance by Thia Megia, the big-voiced tiny girl from California who had previously been kicked off the show by the knowledgeable judges:
“I can’t wait to see you grow each week on this show, because you’re fantastic. You really are.”
And David Hasselhoff‘s:
“Thia Megia, you really got to me-a. You are a huge star, baby… You’re going to go a long way in this competition.”
Piers Morgan also tried to comment on the young lady, but all we heard was the sound of an eel swimming through jam.
The entire show was a terribly executed exercise in backpedalling, ordered by Cowell and which was necessary only because he had in the first place chosen the three most inappropriate people in the entire world to judge the thing (next time, we suggest he goes with John Madden, the Crying Girl from last season’s American Idol, and Helen Keller‘s ghost).
The only surprise of the night was that Kari Callin didn’t make it through to be mocked a second time. We’re guessing it’s because after seeing the emotions generated by her departure, the producers realised that to reintroduce her would be like sticking Barry Bonds into the Minnesota T-Ball league.
Oh, we could go on and detail all of the painfully obvious audience-manipulating tricks. Like how yodelling sado-milf Manuela Horn‘s act sounded as if it was being broadcast through a collection of plastic cups and seashells, while singing douchebags Mosaic‘s performance was as slick as buttered ice.
It doesn’t matter: America has been subliminally instructed who to vote for, and they will. Results show tomorrow, when Kevin Skinner, Thia, Mosaic and some others go through.
The whole thing stinks.
And we love it.
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C. H. Miller says
GO KEVIN SKINNER!!!!!!!!
JBM says
Surely you are not telling me that Simon ordered the crew of all the young girls in Houston back (I think the slumber party group was from Houston). What was he thinking? But as the Hoff said, they probably have enough friends given the number of girls in the show to be put through.
Joram says
First off, the whole Simon thing is staged in advanced.
I fully expect to have 2 extra contestants each week, otherwise it is unfair to those who performed last night – 5 slots for 12 contestants and then the next 3 weeks with 5 slots for 10 contestants, I don’t think so.
Zimzum says
“It doesn
Michael shelson says
How absurd.
The 5th and 6th place finishers as voted for by the viewers were placed before the 3 judges so that one of them could be eliminated. Kind of reminds you of those elections held recently over in Iran does it not? Thought this was suppossed to be determined by the viewers from this point forward.
If the judges or the producers wanted to have a say or keep someone around that fell outside of the parameters of the shows authenticity of who gets the most votes wins; they should have put the bottom two finishers, #11 and # 12 up against each other instead of # 5 and # 6 top vote getters!
My vote now will be to never watch this show again! NBC executives take note of this farce that occurred during the airing of this show Americas Got Talent on Wednesday August 5th, 2009!—————–Idiot decision to get rid of the actual talented people first and keep the Jerry Springer show rejects on!
Keeno says
Yaaaaaaaay!!
Everyone loves The Hoff! simply beautiful!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydbKjDPtkg4
this film I made proves that ;)
cheers
Keeno
ladybug says
I think Thia should have made it through. Why id they have to vote on who was to go??? It is unfair.
duje says
I cant believe I wasted 45 seconds browsing through this article. It was the stupidest thing ever, stupider than Tony and Rory’s performance. You are an absolute idiot, hands down.
Liliana Boykins says
I think this is a real great blog. Keep writing.