If you ever meet our fisherman friend Mike The Pike, it’ll take him about two minutes to mention his greatest achievement.

Spreading his arms wide he’ll say he caught Untanga, the beast of the local lake. Sadly though, it was the one that got away and he only caught an abandoned shopping trolley.

Sharon Osborne has something in common with our friend. Ever since she left X Factor, everyone has lost interest in her. But don’t worry, Sharon is trying to reignite a war with another one of the programme’s boring additions – Dannii Minogue. We can’t confirm or deny if Sharon reeks of fish like Mike The Pike”. Only Ozzy knows that.

In the 2008 series of X Factor, there was a slight mix-up on the judging panel. Music’s worst enemy Simon Cowell remained to sink his demonic claws in to some young-faced hopeful, Louis Walsh chipped in occasionally with his jolly Irish twang and the less successful Minogue sister was just thankful she didn’t have to join the line at the dole office.

Sadly though, changes have to be made and water-throwing Sharon Osborne had to go. She’d already thrown a strop earlier in the series when she walked off the show after all her shitty acts got voted out in the first few weeks. Being offered a measly £1.6million wasn’t enough for Sharon to endure some boring Australian for another year and she decided to bugger off and run her mouth on other reality shows like America’s Got Talent.

But X Factor got a new judge and a few extra viewers as millions of perverts tuned in to see the lovely Cheryl Cole. Watching it with the sound down was good enough for us as we gazed in awe at Cheryl’s lovely face. So was Sharon Osborne pissed off that they replaced her with a much nicer-looking judge and forced Dannii to become the older, wrinkly and annoying women?

Well kind of…

Like some sort of messed-up plot of Hollyoaks or Skins with random drugs thrown in, Sharon thinks Dannii is only using the show as a tool to get into Simon Cowell’s pants. Meanwhile Leona Lewis is crying in the corner because she hasn’t been moulded completely into an American singer and has been told she must instead look like a horse. OK, not all of that may be true but the accusation of Dannii going after Simon’s nutsack apparently is.

In an interview with Piers Morgan, who no doubt managed to somehow make the questions relate to him, Sharon said:

“All Dannii wanted to do was fuck Simon Cowell. That’s why she’s on the show.”

Great. We think. We expect a swift attack from Dannii as she finds out where Sharon lives and hides all her shoes. Ha! That’ll teach her. Thers’ nothing like a schoolgirl slagging match. Before we know it, they’ll be pulling each other’s hair extensions and fake noses off behind the bike sheds.

By the time the new series of X Factor rolls round, we expect Louis Walsh to be replaced by Robocop and Simon Cowell to still be there but in the form of a giant arse that he slowly disappears up. But as long as lovely Cheryl is there we don’t mind. She can do no wrong. Apart from ignoring our calls.

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