Will the producers of America’s Got Talent be able to find a mad-haired old fat lady, just like the Brits did? The clue is in the question: what with this being America, they’ll doubtless be fighting them off with sticks.
Of course, America has to do things a bit bigger than anybody else. So we fully expect their version of Susan Boyle to be a 1o00lb monster with hair like a mammoth’s pubes, who has to be poured onto the stage from the back of a dump truck.
Join us after the jump, when we look at how the show’s first week went.
The format of the show is the same as Britain’s Got Talent: a bunch of wildly-deluded ordinary Joes and Janes wander onto the stage and, in front of a real audience, perform their ‘act’. Just as in BGT, most of these people and their ‘acts’ come in four categories:
1) Senior citizens doing inadvisably energetic things. Which often involve sequins, Swedish balls and a total lack of dignity. These ageing funsters don’t tend to get through the auditions, being shunted straight back home to their weak tea, afternoon naps, and fading memories of hitting the big time.
2) Young people with tattoos doing painful things. Usually consists of an ugly young man with a pierced nose and his female assistant who looks kind of hot until the camera gets too close to her face. Opening week had Sky and Vlad Eros, who didn’t even get to show us Vlad punching a carriage bolt through his cock, or whatever he was going to do, as Sky’s hair immediately and hilariously caught fire on a stage prop.
3) Tediously similar groups of kids doing wacky dances. Public of Britain, you disgust us. Given the choice of Susan Boyle and Diversity, you went with the loose-limbed kids instead of the wobbly-bottomed spinster. Let us hope that the people of America are slightly more discerning, and realise that frizzy-haired old virgins are much funnier and easier to write about than a meeting of the Epileptic Parkinsons’ Patients Support Group.
4) People with a voice and a? “backstory”. Think Danny Gokey from this year’s American Idol. These are the folks who have come to the auditions smelling of petrol and telling the sad story of their entire family’s recent demise in a housefire. If they get to air, you can be sure there’s a decent voice to justify your vote, and here it was The Voices Of Glory: three kids with a genuinely horrific tale, who sang God Bless America. Tragedy and patriotism? They’ll go far this year.
So, this season’s AGT looks set to tick all the right boxes: normal people, odd people, talented people, pensioners who play the guitar and harmonica while riding a unicycle. It’s all there.
At the moment, our money’s on the inspirationally surreal Comic Bots. However, as NBC only showed a few seconds of the breakdancing transformers, here’s the quite wonderful David Johnson:
TIM/USA says
NO CAN-DO SUSAN
THEY GOT NO SUSAN
NOT EVEN CLOSE
ONLY ONE SUSAN BOYLE EXISTS
AND I AM HER FAN
brooke reilly says
You are such an asshole! Go back into your cave, cuz no one wants to hear any stupid gibberish that comes out of you f_________ mouth! And have a nice day! NOT!!!!
Marika says
Plese do not be so mean to Susan Boyle. She is a great talent and obviously has emotional problems. Help her please, by beign nice to her.
Marika B
brooke reilly says
It is great that you can try to reason with this asshole, Marika, but believe me, he is too stupid to hear your words of wisdom.
brooke reilly says
Right on, Tim!
semishavedyetifan says
If only brooke reilly had a blog that we could visit instead of this one then we could all be enlightened as to the True Path rather than spend all our spare time on here wishing for bad things to happen to the Hecklerspary writers if they dare to express an opinion that does not match our own world view. Or we could stick to actual fan sites so as to avoid any negative or even neutral comments that may offend our delicate souls.
Personally, I will not rest until Susan Boyle is made Queen of Scotland.
dee says
STOP CALLING PEOPLE FAT AND…..WHOEVER HAS THIS KIND OF TALK OBVIOUSLY HAS NO CLASS..AMERICA LOVES YOU SUSAN YOU ARE SMART TALENTED AND SWEET I AM AN AMERICAN AND I CHERISH YOUR VOICE CAN NOT WAIT UNTIL I SEE YOU PERFORM. THE REST HAVE NO CLUE SO THEY TALK NONSENSE. WHY ARE SOME PEOPLE IN AGT WAITING TO FIND SOMEONE LIKE SUSAN?. YOU ARE UNIQUE AND YOU ARE A WINNER IN AMERICA TOO WE DO NOT NEED ANOTHER SU BOYLE, WE HAVE YOU. USA
Jabba Sings the Blues says
Speak up, dee. We can barely hear you. Susan Boyle is not unique although it’s possible that the talents of Eddie Large have not registered on your side of the Atlantic.
NoName says
The only unique about SuBo is she’s never been laid. Not too many of those around.
Sky & Vlad says
Wow Now The Fact That Agt. had Plastic On The Floor boards While I was Doing A Head Stand Into a Back Bend Makes No Sense See What we really do !
Plastic Melts & we told them not to use that & they did it anyway they swore up & down that the floor boards were Flame Retardent AGT. lied to us, they pretty much put me in danger because it could have been my Face & Safety is No. 1 with us they contacted us we did not contact them otherwise we would have never Participated on this? show Americas Got Talent !,
They Seriously could have hurt me by leaving plastic on the boards because my Fire Act is Different from the Rest & Going into a HeadStand into a Backbend with plastic on the floor is really Something not to laugh About,They also kept us in the Green room for 13 hours
please keep that in Mind
David says
This article is grotesquely cynical and offensive. What is appealing about Susan boyle her wonderful talent and spirit, and that she has managed to break through and gain a wide audience who respond to these, notwithstanding the venom and spittle of the determinedly snarky among us.
Mary says
You are both totally right Sky & Vlad & here is what I saw as an audience member
what agt did to Sky Claudette was uncalled for,I was an audience member for the night that Sky & Vlad performed,and I have seen them perform on many occasions and they are very good at what the do,I recalled the agt crew pulling plastic off the stage ,seconds before they went on stage ,you do not put plastic on stage during fire performance ,Please folks Google Sky Claudette’s Name to see what this truly talented performer is all about ,because watching this video over and over again just makes me remember when I was sitting out in the audience watching the AGT crew pull up plastic,and to sensationalize their program they had extinguished both Sky & Vlad’s fire when I could see in plain view that nothing was out of control,and no one helped her when she was down ,also I was reading that they put her on a prop ?? so this sounds like Agt. planned this whole mess,Agt put Sky Claudette’s life at risk,this is clearly a case of Endangerment !
Here is the truth the link to the paper that Exposes Americas Got Talent.
for what they did to Sky Claudette
Jamir says
Rock on Sky & Vlad,I love your new site
I have see them perform all over .
Jamir
Jenoily says
yes,yes,yes I love Sky Claudette & Vlad-Eros Fyre
Rock on!!!!
Love says
Right on Jenoily & Jamir,Sky and Vlad rock my socks ,burning a hole in my universe ,big flaming kisses.to them both.
Santa loves you says
Creepy,Agt is just Creepy !!!!!
Polarity says
Oh please, this is ridiculous. During her backbend there were no “boards” on the floor. It was just the regular floor. Don’t believe me? Watch the video! Her hair CAUGHT fire because her hair was OVER the flames. Nothing else combusted. Also, plastic doesn’t combust, it melts. Hair, however, does.
Why don’t you try taking responsibility for your own accident instead of blaming it on someone else. Watch the damn video and see for yourself. Unbelievable.
And, I also know that “John” and “Mary” are their “fake” accounts that they posted EVERYWHERE with, trying to blame a simple accident on AGT because they simply can’t admit they made a mistake. Grow the F*** up.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYuXo0XME94
Polarity says
Watch it, tell me where these “boards” are. You can literally watch, in slow motion, her hair being OVER the fire and CATCHING on fire.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYuXo0XME94