Forget everything you know, because Heather Mills is sexy, and if that's true then we need to rethink everything.

Seriously, although she's screechy and can act a little bit mental at times, Heather Mills looks set to make FHM's 100 Sexiest Women list this year.

Needless to say, most of the reason why Heather Mills has been classified as sexy is because of those soft porn shoots she did 20 years ago. But answer us this - if being photographed spraying whipped cream on your knockers and fellating a red jelly penis while making your unusually hairy genitalia as visible as possible is now sexy, then why aren't we in FHM's 100 sexiest women list? Did we do all that for nothing?

Let's see if Jessica Alba can keep topping those 'Most Sexy' lists when she's waddling about on swollen ankles and throwing up every morning - because Jessica Alba is pregnant.

And Jessica Alba is being refreshingly open about being pregnant - her spokesperson has confirmed that in late spring/early summer 2008, Jessica will give birth to a baby fathered by on-off boyfriend Cash Warren. It's a knotty situation for the global army of obsessed male Jessica Alba fans, who now all have to ask themselves if they have the capacity to marry Jessica Alba and raise another man's child as their own if she asked them, before concluding quite quickly that Jessica Alba would probably ask Ian Huntley to raise her children rather than get within a hundred yards of their flabby, lonely sweat-stink for even a second.

Former male prostitute Justin Randall Timberlake - aka Randy T - has thrown down the gauntlet to his sex-rivals George 'the Silver bullet' Clooney and Brad 'I'm going to kick your fucking face off' Pitt.

Randy T was recently handed the title 'King of Sex' by Rolling Stone magazine in exchange for backstage tickets to see him in action. Timberlake told Barbara Walters on her 10 Most Fascinating People special that he will defend his title to the death. Clooney and Pitt have taken this challenge seriously and arranged for a no-holds barred celebrity battle royale. Each of them will take it in turn to beat off as many men as possible to preserve the sanctity of their ring. The celebrity will the longest staying power will receive the coveted 'King of Sex' title belt. 

In addition to gloom, cold and toffee apples, November is primarily famous for making all men everywhere feel like flabby globs of unattractive and unloved cholesterol, thanks to People's Sexiest Man Alive list.

2007 marks the 22nd straight year that we - like all other men if they're honest - have spent the second week of November fretting about what position we'll get in People's Sexiest Man Alive list, only to experience near-suicidal despair for up to a month as we realise that, once again, some people who have never met, seen or spoken to us have decided that we aren't even worth of being in the Sexiest Man Alive top ten. Not even the bottom of the list where they keep the Afflecks.

For what it's worth, People magazine has this year decided that Matt Damon is the sexiest man alive. But all you really need to know is that it's not us, and we're perfectly OK with that. No, really.