Beyonce Bans Christmas TV, On The Off-Chance She’ll See One Of Destiny’s Child’s Awful Songs

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Beyonce is looking forward to packing away that collapsing stomach she bought while she waits for the stork to bring her newborn into the world. We can only hope she goes a bit Jermaine Jackson and gives it a ludicrous name.

And of course, it is Christmas which will see Beyonce and Jay Z having some time off for the first time in ages.

So what will they be doing? Eating, giving ostentatious and lavish gifts to each other that equate to the third world debt and of course, NOT WATCHING ANY CHRISTMAS TELEVISION AT ALL BECAUSE BEYONCE HAS BANNED IT LIKE SOME KIND OF MONSTER. We have a theory why.

B says that the television won’t be on at all over the festives:

“I will be with family. We are both so busy throughout the year that Christmas is just a time to relax with family and count the many blessings in your life.

*vomit*

“Christmas Day is a no-TV zone. We just like to sit and talk together as a family.”

What has Beyonce got against Christmas television? The California Raisins are usually on, and really, it ain’t Christmas without their dubious racial stereotypes appearing at some point.

There’s also re-runs of old comedies, stupid Doctor Who specials and loads of films. What’s not to like?

Well, if Beyonce has been watching Viva! or somesuch for the past couple of weeks, she’ll know that she can fully expect to be haunted by the ghost of Christmas past.

Notably, her involvement in the awful Destiny’s Child Christmas songs. If you haven’t heard them, you’re in for a real treat.

Let’s have a listen eh?

There’s the woeful 8 Days Of Christmas…

And this…

AND THIS…

Humbug.

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