The world’s most talented baby was born at the weekend – Blue Ivy Curtis – who will change everything, and will definitely not look like Nas, came out of the world’s greatest vagina to rapturous trumpet fanfare, while Jay-Z reconsidered his verses in early hit “Big Pimpin'”.
Blue Ivy, who has more money and talent than anyone we could ever think of despite being less than a week old, hasn’t been officially announced by Jay-Z and Beyonce, because they’re closed-off about their relationship to frankly KGB levels.
However, a bunch of other folks announced the outbreak of Blue Ivy after various media sources calculated that something had to happen surely, because that’s been 9 months and that’s how it works after having read a book at school AND EVERYTHING.
Rihanna, a woman who is familiar with reproduction, took to Twitter, writing:
“Welcome to the world princess Carter! Love Aunty Rih.”
Of course, Blue Ivy isn’t actually the niece of Rihanna by blood, and as such, will find her sexually attractive in years to come. Still, nothing beats X Factor winner Leon Jackson, who tweeted this gruesome missive:
“That lucky baby that gets to suck on Beyonce’s boobs”
Naturally, hecklerspray would like to wish all the best to Blue Ivy Carter who is going to make everything different, and no-one else’s child is ever going to be as good. In school, Blue will have a desk made of gold, but the other kids will still love her because she’s brilliant and she’s made out of amazing people.
Obviously we can’t guarantee that Blue Ivy will go into music like Mum and Dad, but here’s some advice for the immaculate sprog:
- Your parents can afford better than Ark Music. Don’t do a Rebecca Black.
- If you’re going to attempt a modern narrative on feminism, go to Mum. Although… yeah, going to Mum’s better.
- Ladies if you love ya man show him you the finest, grind up on him girl show him how you ride it.
- Don’t ask Dad “What’s the problem? ” because he’s got 99 of them, making you…
- Don’t use the later Destinys Child stuff as a focus. They were way, way better around the “Bills, Bills, Bills” era.
We can all get on with hating our worthless lives now.
This was a guest post by Euan L Davidson who is currently shopping for Roc-A-Wear bibs and nappies.