Posts tagged as:

Sexy

The Inevitable Saucy Prince William, Kate Middleton Photos Mercifully Not Released

by hecklerspray staff

Famous people never learn which is perhaps why we love them ever so dearly. They never learn that you never take scandalous pictures and/or video with your significant other and expect them to remain safely under wraps.

The most recent example of such folly is Prince William. Stolen photos of him and his little strumpet Kate Middleton were this close to being published before the photos were turned into the police.

And as such, we thankfully can now put away this bleach we had on hand in case we viewed the photos and needed to sterilise our eyes.

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Scarlett Johansson’s Lesbian Kiss With Penelope Cruz Update: it’s ‘Not Sexy’ (it is, They’re Lying)

by Ian Dransfield

When Scarlett Johansson tells you something isn’t sexy, we wouldn’t hold it against you if you believed her. She’s a style icon, a Hollywood megastar and a thoroughly beautiful girl. But when the ‘not sexy’ thing she’s talking about is getting off with another one of the most visually pleasing women in the movie business [...]

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Coldplay Record ‘Sexy’ Duet With Kylie, Public Shudders Preemptively

by Stuart Heritage

Coldplay, like you didn’t already know, have an album coming out soon entitled Look Mummy I’m Just Like Bono! Wheeee! Or something.

And, from what we’ve heard, the new Coldplay album is a lot like the old Coldplay album – it’s all inoffensively big-sounding and the lyrics don’t make much sense and it’ll work decently enough as a soundtrack to those bi-monthly trips to Habitat with the kids. But one thing it isn’t is sexy.

Never fear, though, because Coldplay have already found a solution – they’ve apparently recorded a duet with Kylie. It would have been on their new album, too, except that Chris Martin says it’s “just too sexy.” Hecklerspray accepts no liability for the almost-guaranteed permanent loss of libido caused by reading that last sentence.

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Megan Fox Apparently Rather Sexy Now

by Stuart Heritage

If you watched the Transformers movie, then you’ll have noticed how sexy Megan Fox is.

Well, maybe not. Maybe you’ll have been too busy noticing how much enjoyment Michael Bay was taking in stomping all over your beloved childhood memories by filling the movie with piddle jokes and confusing Ebonics-speaking robots who enjoy watching teenagers have sex. Anyhow, Megan Fox was also in Transformers and she was sexy.

And that sexiness is official, because the results of FHM’s 100 Sexiest Women In The World poll has just been released, and Megan Fox is number one. Congratulations, then, to Megan Fox, who can now go to sleep at night knowing that more gawky teenage boys furiously masturbate to disturbing imagined adolescent sexual scenarios involving her than anyone else. Masturbate and then cry. Or is that just us?

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Heather Mills Alarmingly Sexier Than You Thought

by Stuart Heritage

Forget everything you know, because Heather Mills is sexy, and if that’s true then we need to rethink everything.

Seriously, although she’s screechy and can act a little bit mental at times, Heather Mills looks set to make FHM’s 100 Sexiest Women list this year.

Needless to say, most of the reason why Heather Mills has been classified as sexy is because of those soft porn shoots she did 20 years ago. But answer us this – if being photographed spraying whipped cream on your knockers and fellating a red jelly penis while making your unusually hairy genitalia as visible as possible is now sexy, then why aren’t we in FHM’s 100 sexiest women list? Did we do all that for nothing?

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Jessica Alba Is Really Rather Pregnant

by Stuart Heritage

Let’s see if Jessica Alba can keep topping those ‘Most Sexy’ lists when she’s waddling about on swollen ankles and throwing up every morning – because Jessica Alba is pregnant.

And Jessica Alba is being refreshingly open about being pregnant – her spokesperson has confirmed that in late spring/early summer 2008, Jessica will give birth to a baby fathered by on-off boyfriend Cash Warren. It’s a knotty situation for the global army of obsessed male Jessica Alba fans, who now all have to ask themselves if they have the capacity to marry Jessica Alba and raise another man’s child as their own if she asked them, before concluding quite quickly that Jessica Alba would probably ask Ian Huntley to raise her children rather than get within a hundred yards of their flabby, lonely sweat-stink for even a second.

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Justin Timberlake To Fight Clooney And Pitt For Sex

by hecklerspray staff

Former male prostitute Justin Randall Timberlake – aka Randy T – has thrown down the gauntlet to his sex-rivals George ‘the Silver bullet’ Clooney and Brad ‘I’m going to kick your fucking face off’ Pitt.

Randy T was recently handed the title ‘King of Sex’ by Rolling Stone magazine in exchange for backstage tickets to see him in action. Timberlake told Barbara Walters on her 10 Most Fascinating People special that he will defend his title to the death. Clooney and Pitt have taken this challenge seriously and arranged for a no-holds barred celebrity battle royale. Each of them will take it in turn to beat off as many men as possible to preserve the sanctity of their ring. The celebrity will the longest staying power will receive the coveted ‘King of Sex’ title belt.

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Matt Damon: Sexier Than Us, Apparently

by Stuart Heritage

In addition to gloom, cold and toffee apples, November is primarily famous for making all men everywhere feel like flabby globs of unattractive and unloved cholesterol, thanks to People’s Sexiest Man Alive list.

2007 marks the 19th straight year that we – like all other men if they’re honest – have spent the second week of November fretting about what position we’ll get in People’s Sexiest Man Alive list, only to experience near-suicidal despair for up to a month as we realise that, once again, some people who have never met, seen or spoken to us have decided that we aren’t even worth of being in the Sexiest Man Alive top ten. Not even the bottom of the list where they keep the Afflecks.

For what it’s worth, People magazine has this year decided that Matt Damon is the sexiest man alive. But all you really need to know is that it’s not us, and we’re perfectly OK with that. No, really.

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