That Halle Berry, eh? She’s a funny looking woman – we once saw a picture of Halle Berry in a magazine and we went right off our tea.
And yet, despite obviously looking like a sort of cross between the back end of a bus and a bulldog’s floppy genitals, Esquire magazine has decided to name Halle Berry as its Sexiest Woman Alive. Which is just weird because, you know, Halle Berry. Bleurgh. No, wait, we got mixed up – we were thinking of former EastEnders and Heartbeat star Nick Berry. He’s not actually very sexy at all. But Halle Berry is actually sort of pretty.
Anyway, we could be wrong, but in the accompanying interview it seems like Halle Berry equates sexiness with masturbating a lot. There’s hope for us yet!
We’re coming to learn that when a magazine chooses its sexiest women, it’s more of a reflection of the readership than the woman it chooses. That’s why FHM always stumps for someone like Megan Fox – women who look like third-generation Chinese-whispered police sketches of what 14-year-old boys most like to wank to – while People magazine always goes for Kate Hudson because she looks approachable and is more likely to sell hair conditioner to housewives.
And then there’s Esquire. Marginally more intelligent than other lad mags, Esquire is the publication for slightly more mature men who want to look like they enjoy reading articles on Philip Seymour Hoffman when really they just want to bash one out to all the pictures of Jessica Biel as soon as the wife goes out.
So, as such, it’s only natural that Esquire would pick Halle Berry – a 42-year-old new mother who once harboured thoughts of suicide – as its Sexiest Woman Alive. Because Halle Berry is intelligent, you see. And stylish. And she looks sort of slutty if you take off her trousers and just make her wear a procession of tight T-shirts. Which, funnily enough is what Esquire did.
As we all know, when you’re voted as the Sexiest Woman Alive it’s traditional to respond with a sort of “aw, shucks, me?” shrug that belies the fact that you haven’t eaten anything but slices of carrot since 2004 and you spend eight hours every morning individually moisturising each one of your eyebrow hairs. So that’s what Halle Berry did too, right?
No. Instead Halle Berry kind of acted like she already knew she was sexier than everyone else and then started talking about what we presume to be masturbation.
“I know damned well I am sexier now than I used to be. You know the stuff they say about a woman being responsible for her own orgasms? That’s all true. And in my case, that makes me responsible for pretty damned good orgasms these days.”
Well, that’s nice. Any other final masturbation-centric life mottos, Halle?
“Sexiness is a state of mind — a comfortable state of being. It’s about loving yourself in your most unlovable moments.”
Loving yourself. What a nice way to put it. Anyway, Halle Berry being named as Esquire‘s Sexiest Woman Alive isn’t just good news for Halle Berry and randy men, it also sends a very positive message to women, too.
It says that 42-year-old mothers of newborn babies can be sexy too. So long as, you know, they’re millionaire Oscar-winning actresses, models and beauty queens who lucked out genetically and get to live with male supermodels. And that’s everyone, right?
Julian Mentat says
“To me, spaghetti is sexy, especially when it’s served off the tips of a man’s fingers”
Yes, Halle. I also own crockery made from body parts.
magnetite says
Halle. I wish that were true. If masturbation made one sexy, then I’d be a toned, glistening Adonis now.
Instead of the claw-handed, pinch-faced Morlock that I have become since I took your advice. Oh, and my spine is now shaped like a question mark. Thanks, bitch.