When we make lists, they’re usually pretty easy to do. You just take your own opinion of something, prioritise it and throw it in an article without giving the consequences much thought. As such, we still have people arguing the toss (pun intended) over our ‘Top’ Sci-Fi babes & newscasters.
Of course, some lists aren’t that easy to come up with and require rigorously observed criteria in order to make them acceptable for the delicate eyes of our readers.
Our quest was long and arduous but we got there in the end.
Hallowe’en costumes are the sort of thing that you really want to get right. Imagine you’re at a party dressed as a comedy dog turd and that girl/guy that you’ve fancied for ages shows up. The last thing you want is to- quite literally- look like a canine has just expelled you from its rectum.
That’s where the costume makers come in, these kings of convenience will sell you a costume to suit your every whim and fancy, and all for a reasonably small fee.
That’s the criteria of this list- to make it, the costume has to be an all-in-one that you can buy from the internet. None of this “oh, look at the terrible craftsmanship in that gentleman’s homemade ghost costume” tripe here. We’ve also included the links, should you need to pick up some last minute Hallowe’en garb.
Our gratitude to the people of the good ship Twitter for helping us compile this list.
10. Zombie Cowboy
We’ll concede the fact that this is far from the worst costume of the bunch but the mask really lets it down. “Oh, you’ve come as a zombie Charles Manson? You know he didn’t use guns and just convinced people to do his killing for him?” Perhaps the most disturbing element of the costume is the fact that the mask looks one of Jim Henson’s Imagineers turned Manson into a muppet. Chilling.
Highlight: The wee plastic rifle. Not included.
Want it? You can get it here.
9. The Kinky Krayon
The trend for attending Hallowe’en shindigs dressed as a child’s drawing implement is long established but what if you want to go as a wax rod and maintain your femininity? Well, this naughty crayon might be for you. Just don’t put up with any phallic innuendo.
Highlight: This seems to be endorsed by Crayola.
Want it? Get it here.
8. Inflatable Jabba The Hutt
Star Wars fans are always arguing about the minutiae of their favourite film series but, in the first of our Star Wars entries, why not do it dressed like an inflatable, post-stroke Vanessa Feltz? It’s difficult not to suggest that this costume looks like a mutilated penis so… err… this costume looks like a mutilated penis!
Highlight: Its almost looks like he’s winking at you.
Want it? Why wouldn’t you? Get your grubby paws on it here.
7. ‘Why Helllllloow’ Kitty
hecklerspray are by no means moral crusaders. In fact, the less clothes we can put on something, the better. However, this might just take the global obsession with the glorified Nyan Cat, Hello Kitty, a little bit too far. Also, it doesn’t seem to sit very well around the crotch…
Highlight: It barely covers your arse which is exactly what you want from a beloved children’s character.
Want it? You’re a sick puppy.
6. Don’t Cross the Streams
I ain’t afraid of no hot-pants! Seriously though, this one is just wholly impractical. The Ghostbusters wear boiler suits for a reason- to keep the ectoplasm off their skin. With this costume, you could end up with ectoplasm splattered all over your ch- oh… gotcha.
Highlight: A jaunty cap which really sets the whole thing off.
Want it? Buy it with your hard-earned pennies here.
5. Sexually Inappropriate iPhone
In fairness, if this costume was actually called “sexually inappropriate iPhone” then it might be funny but as it is they’ve picked a man who looks enough like a rapist to make this abortion of a costume worthwhile. You’ll notice that some of the buttons are, instead of apps, sexually suggestive comments. We assume that they’re there so that ladies can swan up and touch the one that they want to do with him or at least use them to target their punches.
Highlight: The “turn me on” button that probably doubles as a makeshift glory hole.
Want it? You can buy it on Amazon. Yeah, Amazon.
4. Mind the Gap!
Yes, that’s right folks. In at number 4, it’s everyone’s favourite walking fuzzball given a 21st century update by costume makers so that women can feel sexy while dressed up like a strategically shaved sasquatch. What’s in the pouch? A Wookiee never reveals its secrets.
Or is that a magician?
Highlight: The fur-lined Wookiee pants which will have Star Wars fans from here to Mos Eisley drooling into their inflatable Jabba the Hutt costumes.
Want it? Really? (If that’s not enough, you might enjoy the PVC Darth Vader & Stormtrooper in one of the pictures)
Let it go down in lore that the following costumes are the worst costumes that we have ever seen on sale. In all honesty, they’re probably about equal but we’ve scored them based on how much they ruined much-loved franchises.
3. Cool But Rude?
Let’s remember that classic theme song for a moment. “Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines, Raphael is cool but rude, Michaelangelo is a party dude.” This costume combines all of those elements for those looking to lead people to the bedroom, use a vibrator on them, never call them again and then go to another party to repeat the process. What have you come as? The corruption of childhood memories. Oh, wonderful.
Highlight: PVC boots designed to really accentuate the message of the outfit.
Want it? Of course you do, you kinky thing.
2. Optimus Primed & Ready For Action
It has long been a trucker’s dream that the rig would magically transform into a beautiful woman but it’s so unclear what this costume is actually supposed to be that it would leave even the most ardent truck-fan flaccid. Still, at least it’s not a Michael Bay transformer or you’d be able to see right through her and into the vacuous pit of money where Bay himself lies, mocking everyone that grew up in the 80s & 90s.
Highlight: The two diddy little wheels attached to the shoulders. It’s supposed to make it clearer.
Want it? If you must…
1. Dead or Alive, You’re Coming With Us
What’s that? You didn’t think it could get worse than Optimus Prime? Well, ladies & gentlemen, your number one is the sexy Robocop. Part french maid, part law enforcement cyborg, this costume will set you back about $70 (in that American money) and will ensure that no-one speaks to you all night. Although, for only $30 extra you can get a holster implanted into your leg by a South American doctor in a grubby operating room. Excellent value.
Highlight: Worried that people might mistake the costume for a “tarty Geordi LaForge” the makers of the costume added in a neck band which clearly states who the person is supposed to be. Gets rid of the awkward “what have you come as?” questions. “Oh, you’ve come as an idiot.”
Want it? You’re the worst kind of scum.
So there you have it folks, there’s some real doozies in there but we know that you’ll be all fixed up and will end the evening with your pants around your ankles, vomitting into a Jack o’ Lantern and isn’t that what Hallowe’en’s all about?
Yes, yes it is.