Articles tagged with: Sex Tape
These dead people, honestly, they're disgusting - and not just because they smell and are dead all the time, either. It's because dead people just can't stop making sex tapes at the moment. Just a few weeks after word of the Marilyn Monroe sex tape got out, it's now been claimed that the equally dead Jimi Hendrix also made a sex tape with a couple of women. And best of all, the Jimi Hendrix sex tape is actually for sale! True, most who have actually seen the Jimi Hendrix sex tape seem fairly certain that it's a fake and that it's mildly insulting for Jimi Hendrix to be attributed to some pornography just because it stars a black man with an afro and facial hair, but put yourselves in the distributor's place - a famous face always makes more money, so it was always either going to be the Jimi Hendrix sex tape or the That Bloke Out Of TV On The Radio Sex Tape, and who'd buy that?
When the words 'sex' and 'tape' collide, you tend to quite quickly get people's attention. Throw in the word 'celebrity' and everyone's hooked. And when we heard that another sex tape featuring a celebrity had surfaced, we got ready to squint at the pixelated shagfest - except one of the core ingredients that makes up a sex tape was missing. The vital thing for a celebrity sex tape is er... a celebrity. Sadly, rejected reality show contestants who model themselves on rubbish pouty pop stars don’t count. Besides, anyone living in the UK will have already seen Chanelle from Big Brother’s tits in most copies of the Daily Star, Daily Sport or Nuts/Zoo magazine. But that hasn't stopped Chanelle from making the least convincing sex tape in the history of the world. Yes, it's after the jump...
Sometimes all a man wants to see is a dead, blonde girl commit sex acts on film - but what about when they've exhausted their Anna Nicole Smith supply? Well, then there's always the Marilyn Monroe sex tape. You heard - there's a Marilyn Monroe sex tape. A tape of Marilyn Monroe gobbling on a man's penis for 15 minutes. It really exists, but don't get too excited. A private collector has just bought the Marilyn Monroe sex tape for $1.5 million, and he's sworn to keep it from the public in order to protect the dignity of Marilyn Monroe. Well, that and to masturbate himself scabby over the Marilyn Monroe sex tape 12 times a day for the rest of his life knowing that he's the only one alive who knows what Marilyn Monroe looks like when she does blowjobs.
Lindsay Lohan got a huge career boost when she went topless for a magazine, so just imagine the boost she'll get from a video of her with her gob wrapped around Calum Best's dirty fudgestick.
That's right - it looks as if Lindsay Lohan's gone and got herself one of those new fangled sex tapes.
Although the reports of a Lindsay Lohan sex tape are based on just one blurry frame of a woman who looks a bit like Lindsay Lohan doing a blowjob on a bloke who might be Calum Best, that's still enough for everyone to confidently assert that a Lindsay Lohan sex tape exists. And who are we to disagree with evidence like that?
Sex tape karma is a beautiful thing - after making us pray for blindness with the Gene Simmons sex tape, it's now repaying us with a Kristin Davis sex tape.
You know, Kristin Davis. The uppity one from Sex And The City. There's a Kristin Davis sex tape. And there's not even a second of 1980s power-ballad in there at all. Take that, Simmons.
Except, wait, buckle your belt back up - Kristin Davis says that the Kristin Davis sex tape is a phony. That's not her in the sex tape gobbling on a man's genitals or in the accompanying pictures sitting on a toilet with her minge sticking out, Kristin says. She only knows because in the real Kristin Davis sex tape she's wearing a pony saddle, a pair of safety goggles and is covered head-to-toe in bacon. We heard.
If you've seen even a glimpse of the Gene Simmons sex tape, there's a good chance that you threw up so hard that your stomach is now hanging out of your mouth like an awful smelly balloon.
But you're not the only person to be annoyed by the Gene Simmons sex tape. Gene Simmons isn't especially thrilled with it either.
And like you, Gene Simmons is fighting back. But where you fought back by punching a hole in your computer, stapling your eyelids together and trying to destroy the part of your brain that remembers it by ramming a knitting needle up your nose, Gene Simmons has decided to fight back against the Gene Simmons sex tape by doing clever legal stuff. Which probably makes more sense.
Hey perverts! Want to see Vanessa Hudgens from High School Musical dressed up as Santa, spouting filthy nonsense and humping a man?
Well you can't because - contrary to rumours - the Vanessa Hudgens sex tape does not exist.
That's right, there is no Vanessa Hudgens sex tape, so you'll never get to see what Vanessa Hudgens looks like when she's having sex. Unless, you know, you carefully print and cut out all those naked Vanessa Hudgens pictures from the internet, stick naked pictures of yourself next to them and make a sort of ramshackle flick-book with them. That kind of works.
Ahem. We heard.
Look up the word 'sexy' in the dictionary and you'll find the definition 'Gene Simmons out of Kiss half-heartedly schtupping a fake-titted bimbo to the strains of I Wanna Know What Love Is by Foreigner.'
Having trouble visualising that? Don't be - because that's the exact thing you can see on the alleged Gene Simmons sex tape, which actually exists and is on the internet now.
Oh, and we should probably warn you that the Gene Simmons sex tape is so ferociously wrong on every known level from beginning to end that we think we lost our sense of smell watching it. And we lost it for you.
