The release of a Britney Spears sex tape is probably the last thing the girl needs in her current faintly distressing circumstance.

And not just her either - most right-minded people have already seen so much of Britney over the past few months that they'd probably prefer to catch herpes off a slutty monkey than even begin to accept that a Britney Spears sex tape exists.

But tough titties, because a Britney Spears sex tape apparently does exist, and it's a bald-headed one, too. Kiss your libido goodbye, folks.

In jail, on drugs, pregnant and with a sex tape out grotty enough to turn even the most hardened sex-addict celibate, American Idol's Jessica Sierra doesn't have a whole lot going for her at the moment.

And it's got worse too. A judge yesterday ordered Jessica Sierra to spend a full year in rehab unless she wants to stay in jail for 11 years. According to a doctor appearing in court on her behalf, Jessica Sierra's addictions are serious enough to be life-threatening.

Although this order is enough to make sure that Jessica Sierra will give birth to her baby in a harshly-lit, unforgiving rehab centre, it's not all bad news - even though Jessica Sierra will have to live every single day of the next calender year in rehab, that's actually three times less rehab time than Lindsay Lohan spent over the course of 2007.

Take that Jamie Lynn Spears - you might think you've got it going on by getting pregnant at 16, but come back once you've starred in a sex tape and then gone to jail for drugs and violence offences and then found out you're pregnant.

In other words, come back when you're Jessica Sierra from American Idol two years ago. Not content with still being in jail for violating her cocaine and battery probation by going on a drunken rampage in a nightclub - or being the star of the most grotty-sounding celebrity sex tape in the history of the medium - Jessica Sierra has just found out that someone's knocked her up. And not just anyone, either - Jessica Sierra has got pregnant at the hands of a rapper. And if you thought that giving birth to a rapper's baby in jail while a video of you having explicit sex was freely available on the internet was as bad as it got, think again - because despite all that nobody still has any bloody clue who Jessica Sierra actually is. 

There are two things that soldiers enjoy - one is shooting foreigners and the other is watching hungover, coked-out amateur porn stars who used to be on a reality TV show slur out one halfhearted Bonnie Tyler cover version after another.

But that's not going to happen, because an American charity has decided that it doesn't want our new favourite good girl gone bad (or bad girl gone worse? Crap girl gone terrible?) Jessica Sierra to perform at a Washington Christmas tribute concert for US troops on Friday, thanks to her currently being held in custody for violating her parole in an embarrassingly drunk, vomit-stained, sexually-propositioning way, and also because of the imminent internet release of the grubby-looking Jessica Sierra sex tape.

But, undeterred, Jessica Sierra has vowed to help the army out in any way she can despite the concert snub, which is why this week she'll be offering sad-faced handjobs to crooked prison guards in return for donations to the war effort. Possibly.

Calm down; yes, there's apparently an American Idol sex tape about to hit the internet, but rest assured that you won't have to see Simon Cowell's bare todger flapping around like a torn blister in a windtunnel.

In fact it's a sex tape of Jessica Sierra, who we're told did moderately well at American Idol two years ago. And the sex tape isn't Jessica Sierra's only problem right now - that comes in the form of an arrest for intoxication and resisting arrest which violates her parole from the time she was arrested for battery and cocaine possession. But while Jessica Sierra faces the possibility of a lengthy jail sentence, we all get the sex tape to look forward to. And since we didn't even know who Jessica Sierra even was until about 10 seconds ago, it's basically going to be a video of an anonymous, slightly rough-looking woman having it off. We can't decide if that makes it better or worse, actually.