To watch the skin-crawling Tom Cruise: Scientologist video you'd think that there was literally nothing that Tom Cruise couldn't do, apart from make sense and laugh normally.

However, Katie Holmes has bravely pushed her head above the parapet and spoken out about something that Tom Cruise isn't able to do.

Tom Cruise, you see, can't keep pizzas warm with magic.

Here at hecklerspray, we know that there are many things we can’t do for you. We know we can’t rub that painful bunion on your heel, and we know we can’t buy you that box set of Good Times. 

And we certainly can’t help you if you’re in an accident. We’re just gonna keep on driving, because Tom Cruise is really the only one that can really help. Just listen to his widely leaked Tom Cruise: Scientologist video that you weren’t supposed to see, and haven’t mirthfully shared with all of your friends.

But we can report on the inevitable fallout from said video. Today’s fallout involves the Church of Scientology’s legal team sending scary letters to Gawker Media because they first posted the video. Yay!

The nine-minute video of Tom Cruise claiming that only Scientologists are able to cure car-crash victims has seen Tom Cruise get the worst reviews of his life, save for maybe Days Of Thunder.

And, unsurprisingly, Tom Cruise isn't exactly happy that his genuinely disturbing Scientology rant has found its way onto the internet. Sources are claiming that Tom Cruise is "extremely unhappy" about the video being mocked across the internet in such a widespread way.

But, as Tom Cruise says himself in the Scientology video, it's rough and tumble, it's wild and woolly and it's a blast. And, as Tom Cruise also says: "Eeehyuhyuhyuhehhhh!" Or however you spell that deranged chuckle of his.

Will Smith has been spending lots of time around Tom Cruise lately, and the only people who tend to do that willingly are Scientologists and fans of Days Of Thunder.

Since none of the latter actually exist, can we take this to mean that Will Smith is now in with the Scientology crowd? It would certainly seem that way, thanks to reports that Will Smith's wrap gifts to the crew of his new movie Hancock consisted of free passes for Scientology personality tests. 

If it's true, great - that makes Will Smith the new John Travolta, and we await his Look Who's Talking Now with baited breath. 

Tell any man that his daughter was created with the sperm of a dead religious leader and they'll probably get angry - look at Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise's lawyer is on the warpath after Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography by Andrew Morton was published, a book that makes all sorts of wild claims about Tom Cruise's Scientology beliefs while alluding to claims that Tom Cruise's daughter Suri was sired with dead Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard's sperm.

Plainly ridiculous, we know. Everyone knows that Tom Cruise has dried Hubbard's sperm out and uses it as a creepy pesto seasoning.

Will Smith's new movie I Am Legend is a huge risk, since it mostly seems to be about Will Smith cowering fully-clothed in an empty bath for two hours.

So what Will Smith needs to do for I Am Legend - more than with any of his other films - is sell it. Sell sell sell. Promote the movie as a thrilling romp that the whole family will enjoy. Exclude nobody in its appeal. And that's why Will Smith has decided to promote I Am Legend by giving a lengthy television interview all about how much Tom Cruise has taught him about the benefits of being a fully paid-up member of the Scientologists. 

Oh.

We've all been there - you move into a house, the neighbours introduce themselves and invite you round for dinner, then next thing you know they're yelling at you about E-Meters and the threat of Xenu stealing your body-thetans.

Most people would have expected David Beckham to know this more than anyone, because his neighbour is Tom Cruise. However, in a new interview David Beckham has gone to huge lengths to make it clear that Tom Cruise absolutely doesn't shove his Scientology beliefs down David Beckham's throat and, although David Beckham respects Tom Cruise's religion, neither Tom Cruise or Katie Holmes have ever tried to force him into Scientology. Unless you'd count burning the phrase 'JOIN US' in giant letters onto David Beckham's lawn as 'forcing', of course. Which we're legally entitled to point out is something that Tom Cruise has never done, by the way, although he might want to think about it if he's serious about getting David Beckham to join this Scientology lark.