Articles tagged with: Mother
Lindsay Lohan may be back on track towards becoming entertaining again, thanks in no small part to Olympic gold medal-machine Michael Phelps. The girl that could well be a lesbian, who may well be having a wedding to Samantha Ronson, who used to get off her face on all manner of things all the time and made up about 75 percent of hecklerspray's content and who used to not just be a big pile of boredom with added boretitude may well be on the track back to loving men again. If a brief text message that gives away very little is to be believed. And if she ever liked girls 'like that' in the first place. As we all know through thorough scientific testing - when Lindsay Lohan isn't a lesbian, or when she isn't at least possibly a lesbian, she is entertaining. Michael Phelps may well be getting another medal, this one far more valuable than any Olympic award - the hastily made up 'hecklerspray medal that shows we like you for giving us something to write about again'.
Christian Bale looks likely to get away with allegedly pushing his mum about, if he pleads guilty to assault. The Welshman, who no one seems to realise is Welsh, has been recommended to receive a caution by the Crown Prosecution Service for his alleged actions, should he plead guilty to charges next month. If, however, he pleads not guilty then he could be looking at more severe penalties, all according to the bastion of truth, honour and glory that is The Sun newspaper. Though, let's be honest here - he probably wouldn't be looking at any really severe charges. A fine, a slap on the wrist and a bruised ego, leaving the Baler ready to take on Terminator 4 and Batman 3. Unless the authorities were to decide on making an example of him and imprisoned him for life - alledgely pushing your mum and sister about is no laughing matter, after all. Especially when they apparently want money from you.
So you're Christian Bale; you're the star of The Dark Knight - one of the biggest movies ever - how do you celebrate the news? Simple, you go a bit mental, attack your mother and sister and get arrested on suspicion of assault for it. True, it might not be the obvious way around the problem, but it's what Christian Bale allegedly has done. So with Heath Ledger dead and Christian Bale arrested for assault, it seems like The Dark Knight might be carrying a dark curse. We'll know for sure as soon as Michael Caine climbs up a church tower and starts firing a machine gun at passers-by and crying, but for now it's just a pretty strong hunch.
Jamie Lynn Spears was raised in a totally different environment to the rest of us, so she obviously has her own idea of what's fun. So what does Jamie Lynn Spears think is fun? Sport? Watching TV, maybe? No - according to Jamie Lynn Spears, being a constant slave to a screaming little fleshbag that's stolen the rest of your life and won't respond to reason or logic is fun. We're referring, of course, to Jamie Lynn Spears' new baby. Jamie Lynn has been frothing and fizzing about how brilliant it is to be a teenage mother to OK! as part of a $1 million deal with the magazine that's thought to include rights to interviews, baby photos and the inevitable 'I hate my baby and wish it was never born' postnatal depression exclusive, pencilled in for Christmas.
Everyone knows that Madonna and Guy Ritchie will get divorced soon, and also that Guy's chasing the giant gap between Madonna's teeth in the settlement, too.
But even though there's recently been a Holocaust-style law passed surrounding the Madonna and Guy Ritchie divorce - where you go to prison if you deny it - some people are still determined to cling onto the dream that Madonna and Guy are as together as together can be.
And one of those people is Guy Ritchie's mother. She's refusing to believe that there's marital strife between Madonna and Guy Ritchie, and that talk of their impending divorce is a lot of 'absurd poppycock'. 'Absurd poppycock' or 'complete bollocks' depending on whether she's the parent responsible for Guy's frightfully posh side or his inexplicably cockney side. We can't be bothered to find out which she is.
Hecklerspray only recently learned that Kerry Katona was actually born - we simply thought she'd congealed, popping up Master-And-Margarita style on the outskirts of some grim Northern town, swathed in chip fat and possessing the piercing dead eyes of a truly soulless abomination.
Nah. Turns out that she has a mum.
Warning: if you've just eaten, you may want to avoid reading this report for a short while. On the other hand, if you're bulimic - and need a horrific mental image to really spur on that gag reflex - please allow us to be of service. Ready? O-kay.
Remember watching those nature filmstrips in grade school that showed monkeys eating their young?
Remember thinking, "wow, now there is some exemplary parenting that should be honoured with the presentation of an award"? Of course you do.
The same principle applies for Dina Lohan, Lindsay Lohan’s mommy dearest, who is being given an award for her strides in mothering, or something. Just to be clear, then. This is Dina Lohan. The mother of Lindsay Lohan. Honoured with a mothering award. Animals who eat their young.
The circle of life at its finest, everyone.
As the popular movie Juno has taught us, nothing aids the pregnant schoolgirl like a full-on rendition of a Moldy Peaches song with the kid from Arrested Development.
However, if you're Jamie Lynn Spears then you don't need any of that twee indie schmindie nonsense - you just pump the baby out, hand it to your mother and get on with your life.
That's right, it's been reported that Jamie Lynn Spears has decided to let her mother Lynne take care of raising the unborn baby that's currently inside her. Because, you know, she did such a great job with Britney and Jamie Lynn, right?
