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Mother

Michael Phelps May Cure Lindsay Lohan of Being Boring

by Ian Dransfield

Lindsay Lohan may be back on track towards becoming entertaining again, thanks in no small part to Olympic gold medal-machine Michael Phelps. The girl that could well be a lesbian, who may well be having a wedding to Samantha Ronson, who used to get off her face on all manner of things all the time [...]

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Christian Bale Assault Charges Result in Ultimate Punishment. That, or Just a Caution

by Ian Dransfield

Christian Bale looks likely to get away with allegedly pushing his mum about, if he pleads guilty to assault. The Welshman, who no one seems to realise is Welsh, has been recommended to receive a caution by the Crown Prosecution Service for his alleged actions, should he plead guilty to charges next month. If, however, [...]

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Batman Christian Bale Arrested For Allegedly Beating Mum And Sister Up

by Stuart Heritage

So you’re Christian Bale; you’re the star of The Dark Knight – one of the biggest movies ever – but Heath Ledger’s stolen your acclaim.

What do you do to redress the balance? Simple, you go a bit mental, attack your mother and sister and get arrested on suspicion of assault for it. True, it might not be the obvious way around the problem, but it’s what Christian Bale seems to have done.

So with Heath Ledger dead and Christian Bale arrested for assault, it seems like The Dark Knight might be carrying a dark curse. We’ll know for sure as soon as Michael Caine climbs up a church tower and starts firing a machine gun at passers-by and crying, but for now it’s just a pretty strong hunch.

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Jamie Lynn Spears Loves Being Her Illegitimate Baby’s Teen Ma

by Stuart Heritage

Jamie Lynn Spears was raised in a totally different environment to the rest of us, so she obviously has her own idea of what’s fun.

So what does Jamie Lynn Spears think is fun? Sport? Watching TV, maybe? No – according to Jamie Lynn Spears, being a constant slave to a screaming little fleshbag that’s stolen the rest of your life and won’t respond to reason or logic is fun.

We’re referring, of course, to Jamie Lynn Spears’ new baby. Jamie Lynn has been frothing and fizzing about how brilliant it is to be a teenage mother to OK! as part of a $1 million deal with the magazine that’s thought to include rights to interviews, baby photos and the inevitable ‘I hate my baby and wish it was never born’ postnatal depression exclusive, pencilled in for Christmas.

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Madonna & Guy Richie Divorcing? Pah, Says Old Lady

by Stuart Heritage

Everyone knows that Madonna and Guy Ritchie will get divorced soon, and also that Guy’s chasing the giant gap between Madonna’s teeth in the settlement, too.

But even though there’s recently been a Holocaust-style law passed surrounding the Madonna and Guy Ritchie divorce – where you go to prison if you deny it – some people are still determined to cling onto the dream that Madonna and Guy are as together as together can be.

And one of those people is Guy Ritchie’s mother. She’s refusing to believe that there’s marital strife between Madonna and Guy Ritchie, and that talk of their impending divorce is a lot of ‘absurd poppycock’. ‘Absurd poppycock’ or ‘farking bollocks’ depending on whether she’s the parent responsible for Guy’s frightfully posh side or his inexplicably cockney side. We can’t be bothered to find out which she is.

Everyone knows that Madonna and Guy Ritchie will get divorced soon, and also that Guy's chasing the giant gap between Madonna's teeth in the settlement, too. But even though there's recently been a Holocaust-style law passed surrounding the Madonna and Guy Ritchie divorce - where you go to prison if you deny it - some people are still determined to cling onto the dream that Madonna and Guy are as together as together can be. And one of those people is Guy Ritchie's mother. She's refusing to believe that there's marital strife between Madonna and Guy Ritchie, and that talk of their impending divorce is a lot of 'absurd poppycock'. 'Absurd poppycock' or 'farking bollocks' depending on whether she's the parent responsible for Guy's frightfully posh side or his inexplicably cockney side. We can't be bothered to find out which she is.
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Kerry Katona’s Mother: Officially Just As Hideous As Daughter

by C J Davies

Hecklerspray only recently learned that Kerry Katona was actually born – we simply thought she’d congealed, popping up Master-And-Margarita style on the outskirts of some grim Northern town, swathed in chip fat and possessing the piercing dead eyes of a truly soulless abomination.

Nah. Turns out that she has a mum.

Warning: if you’ve just eaten, you may want to avoid reading this report for a short while. On the other hand, if you’re bulimic – and need a horrific mental image to really spur on that gag reflex – please allow us to be of service. Ready? O-kay.

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Dina Lohan Honoured for A Bang-Up Job of Keeping Her Daughter Alive

by hecklerspray staff

Remember watching those nature filmstrips in grade school that showed monkeys eating their young?

Remember thinking, “wow, now there is some exemplary parenting that should be honoured with the presentation of an award”? Of course you do.

The same principle applies for Dina Lohan, Lindsay Lohan’s mommy dearest, who is being given an award for her strides in mothering, or something. Just to be clear, then. This is Dina Lohan. The mother of Lindsay Lohan. Honoured with a mothering award. Animals who eat their young.

The circle of life at its finest, everyone.

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Jamie Lynn Spears To Instantly Ditch Her Baby

by Stuart Heritage

As the popular movie Juno has taught us, nothing aids the pregnant schoolgirl like a full-on rendition of a Moldy Peaches song with the kid from Arrested Development.

However, if you’re Jamie Lynn Spears then you don’t need any of that twee indie schmindie nonsense – you just pump the baby out, hand it to your mother and get on with your life.

That’s right, it’s been reported that Jamie Lynn Spears has decided to let her mother Lynne take care of raising the unborn baby that’s currently inside her. Because, you know, she did such a great job with Britney and Jamie Lynn, right?

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Winona Ryder: Spock’s Mum

by Stuart Heritage

The forthcoming JJ Abrams-helmed Star Trek movie is one of the most breathlessly-anticipated movies for a long time, especially by people waiting to see if it can out-bad the one about Captain Kirk wanking around with some whales.

And the latest Star Trek-related news suggests that it might just be able to, thanks to another piece of wayward casting. It’s been announced that, as well as the bloke from Heroes, one of Harold and Kumar and Simon Pegg, Star Trek will also star Winona Ryder as Spock’s Vulcan mother. What Winona Ryder will actually do in Star Trek remains to be seen, although it’s probably safe to say that there’s going to be a subplot where Spock experiences all sorts of emotionally-conflicting erotic thoughts about his own mother. Well, he is part-human, after all.

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Britney Spears’ Ma Writes Ill-Judged Parenting Guide

by Stuart Heritage

As humans, it’s only natural that we look at Britney Spears from time to time and think “Golly, someone really did a bang-up job of raising that little delight to be a well-rounded and conscientious member of society.”

However, our feeling of admiration at the exemplary way that Britney Spears was raised into the angel she is today is often tempered with a deep burning resentment at the fact that, no matter what we do, we’ll never be able to bring up our children to be anywhere near the glowing standard of saintly humanity that Britney Spears has set. So we can’t believe our luck that Britney Spears’ mother Lynne Spears is all set to publish Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World next year. It’s basically a how-to manual for anyone who wants to raise their kids to be just like Britney Spears. We’re especially looking forward to the chapter about pushing your young child relentlessly through the machinations of fame at the obvious cost of her mental safety.

No, wait, that’s the whole book. Our mistake.

As humans, it's only natural that we look at Britney Spears from time to time and think "Golly, someone really did a bang-up job of raising that little delight to be a well-rounded and conscientious member of society." However, our feeling of admiration at the exemplary way that Britney Spears was raised into the angel she is today is often tempered with a deep burning resentment at the fact that, no matter what we do, we'll never be able to bring up our children to be anywhere near the glowing standard of saintly humanity that Britney Spears has set. So we can't believe our luck that Britney Spears' mother Lynne Spears is all set to publish Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World next year. It's basically a how-to manual for anyone who wants to raise their kids to be just like Britney Spears. We're especially looking forward to the chapter about pushing your young child relentlessly through the machinations of fame at the obvious cost of her mental safety. No, wait, that's the whole book. Our mistake.
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