The forthcoming JJ Abrams-helmed Star Trek movie is one of the most breathlessly-anticipated movies for a long time, especially by people waiting to see if it can out-bad the one about Captain Kirk wanking around with some whales.
And the latest Star Trek-related news suggests that it might just be able to, thanks to another piece of wayward casting. It's been announced that, as well as the bloke from Heroes, one of Harold and Kumar and Simon Pegg, Star Trek will also star Winona Ryder as Spock's Vulcan mother. What Winona Ryder will actually do in Star Trek remains to be seen, although it's probably safe to say that there's going to be a subplot where Spock experiences all sorts of emotionally-conflicting erotic thoughts about his own mother. Well, he is part-human, after all.
For a film that hasn't even been filming for a week yet, Star Trek is raising all sorts of eyebrows around the place. If the subject of the movie – a hammy 40-year-old TV show about corset-wearing man-actors knobbing around in space – isn't tired enough, then the choice of Lost creator JJ Abrams to direct it is also a concern, seeing as how he'll probably make it six years long and fill it with polar bears that are there for no reason at all.
And then there's the Star Trek casting to worry about. Some anonymous bloke as Captain Kirk we don't have an issue with, nor with a Spock played by Sylar out of Heroes or even Eric Bana as the Star Trek baddie. But Simon Pegg as Scotty? John Cho as Sulu? William Shatner as nothing at all? That's madness, surely. Still, at least JJ Abrams hasn't done anything completely ridiculous like casting the girl from Reality Bites as Spock's mother and then get her species wrong. Imagine how crap that would be.
Wait a minute, he's done what?! Actually, yes, it's been announced that JJ Abrams has signed Winona Ryder up to play Spock's mother in the new Star Trek movie. On the surface of things, this seems like a nice way to bring Winona Ryder back into the major motion picture fold, since all she's done lately is either direct to DVD turkeys or impenetrable claptrap like A Scanner Darkly, but maybe there's more to this than meets the eye.
Perhaps, just perhaps, JJ Abrams hates Winona Ryder, hates everything she stands for and wants to ensure that she'll have to spend the rest of her life going to all kinds of Star Trek conventions and being pelted with bits of maggoty fruit – because he's done gone and made Winona Ryder a Vulcan when everyone knows Spock's mother is a human. That's a Star Trek cock-up of colossal proportions, like when Doctor Crusher told Wesley to meet her in Transporter Room Eight in season one, episode 18 of Star Trek: The Next Generation, when everyone knows the Enterprise only has six Transporter Rooms, the idiots. Way to wreck our lives, idiots.
Maybe there's a completely rational explanation about why Winona Ryder's Star Trek character is a Vulcan instead of a human or maybe – after starring in Alien: Resurrection – she just really enjoys enraging spods. And if so, good for her. In fact, we're certain that Winona Ryder will be perfect for the Star Trek role and she'll win everyone over no matter who she's playing.
Just so long as the rest of the Star Trek cast remember to lock up their valuables, obviously.
James Bishop says
And now you should feel like an idiot as the Star Trek 2009 movie absolutely rocked. Maybe you should write comic books or food reviews?