Hecklerspray only recently learned that Kerry Katona was actually born – we simply thought she'd congealed, popping up Master-And-Margarita style on the outskirts of some grim Northern town, swathed in chip fat and possessing the piercing dead eyes of a truly soulless abomination.

Nah. Turns out that she has a mum.

Warning: if you've just eaten, you may want to avoid reading this report for a short while. On the other hand, if you're bulimic – and need a horrific mental image to really spur on that gag reflex – please allow us to be of service. Ready? O-kay.

Kerry Katona's mother – 48 year old Sue Katona – is apparently unhappy with her portrayal in Kerry's recent literary opus Too Much, Too Young. She's aiming to write a new book in which she recounts how:

… she taught Kerry how to seduce men and then went on to steal her daughter's lovers.

Jesus wept.

That's not the only revelation that dear old Sue has to offer, though. Oh, no – anyone lucky/stupid/deserving-to-die enough to pick up a copy of her forthcoming book will learn that Kerry once offered sex in exchange for drugs when she was suffering dire financial circumstances. Presumably to the drug dealer with the world's lowest sexual standards, then. Either that or he had a real fetish for simpleton failed pop stars who seem to have escaped from Fraggle Rock's deformed birth ward.

Kerry is reported to be 'devastated' and – get this – can't believe that her mother would stoop so low. What's that, love? You're a bit surprised that someone who shares your genetic makeup – i.e. every cell poised to snatch and slurp at whatever half-arsed publicity it can find, no matter how risible or tasteless – might sell you down the river?

Maybe cut back on the coke, then, eh? That perspective should even out in no time.