Everyone knows that Madonna and Guy Ritchie will get divorced soon, and also that Guy's chasing the giant gap between Madonna's teeth in the settlement, too.
But even though there's recently been a Holocaust-style law passed surrounding the Madonna and Guy Ritchie divorce – where you go to prison if you deny it – some people are still determined to cling onto the dream that Madonna and Guy are as together as together can be.
And one of those people is Guy Ritchie's mother. She's refusing to believe that there's marital strife between Madonna and Guy Ritchie, and that talk of their impending divorce is a lot of 'absurd poppycock'. 'Absurd poppycock' or 'complete bollocks' depending on whether she's the parent responsible for Guy's frightfully posh side or his inexplicably cockney side. We can't be bothered to find out which she is.
When Guy Ritchie married Madonna, his mother Lady Amber Leighton (OK, so maybe she was in charge of the posh side) knew that she wasn't so much losing a son as gaining a daughter-in-law – a daughter-in-law who's nearly as old as she is and once made a book about how brilliant she thinks her own genitalia is. Talk about hitting the jackpot.
However, perhaps Lady Amber Leighton loves Madonna a little too much, because she might just be the only person on the face of the earth not to realise that the marriage between Guy Ritchie and Madonna is on an expressway to the crapper.
You can't open a newspaper any more without being confronted with headlines about how Madonna and Guy sleep in separate bedrooms or how Madonna has hired Paul McCartney's divorce lawyer , or how Guy Ritchie is so depressed that he's taken to hanging around with Sting in the hope that some residual smugness rubs off on him or something. It really looks as if Madonna's marriage to Guy Ritchie is all but over.
We know, we're surprised too – who'd have thought that a woman who once wanked herself off in front of the Pope doesn't respect the sanctity of marriage? But Guy Ritchie's mother isn't having any of it, as Fox News reports:
Lady Amber Leighton called the reports "works of fiction" and said that "they are no different to most other couples and we all know that being together can be hard sometimes. But like other couples they work at keeping their relationship happy and fresh." She then said she "spoke to Guy this morning, not about divorce but about a new feature film project he has got under way. There’s no conversation about divorce because there is no divorce."
See? That's the sort of unbeatable logic that shows why Guy Ritchie's mum is a Lady and you're just a hopeless schlub who thinks that eating chips with a fork is the epitome of breeding – there can't be a divorce because there wasn't a conversation about a divorce. Genius! And, following those lines, since we haven't had a conversation about Eskimos, dolphins or our own ankles for a while, we've decided that they don't exist either. Take that, stupid non-existent foot-joint!
Anyway, we think that everyone's missed the main point of the story here – read Lady Amber Leighton's quote again. That's right – Guy Ritchie is going to make another film. It's far, far worse than any of us could have imagined. To the bunkers!
David Bryden says
Remember when Madonna was interesting?
Gilbert Wham says
No.
Mithaearon says
No but I’d still do her.