Angelina Jolie is believed to be going spastic at recent reports that Brad Pitt might be having “a bit laugh and carry on” with a mystery woman on the set of his new film.
However, these ‘beliefs’ and ‘reports’ are coming from a turgid UK rag owned by pornography-king Richard Desmond, and there seems to be a bit of a cloud hanging over our tabloid press at the minute. We’re not convinced of any Woodward and Bernstein –style investigative journalism at work.
However, there is a photo of a woman touching his arm. Yes, you heard right. The dirty swine. His ARM is absolutely up to its nuts in hand BLART.
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It is a fact, passed down through from hecklerspray writer to hecklerspray writer that if ever someone utters the words “haters gonna hate” or any other variation on that theme that they have automatically marked themselves out as a hateful figure. Therefore it is easy to imagine the vehement feelings of anger that course through our collective veins every time we hear from representatives of the Cher Lloyd ‘Anti-Hater Brigade’.
Is Cher Lloyd a hateful figure? Probably not. After all, she’s just a lassie singing some songs and making a wee bit of money. There’s nothing inherently hateful in that, is there?
That being said, Pope Gregory VII wasn’t an inherently hateful figure either but he also initiated a crusade against another kind of “hater”, the Muslims in the Middle East and look how that ended up. Largely with a lot more Christians and, if young Cher has her way, her own crusade will leave us with a lot more Cher Lloyd fans. So perhaps Swagger Jagger and its inevitable follow-ups will kill more people than the crusades.
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Daybreak, ITV’s woeful attempt at going head to head with BBC Breakfast, is in trouble as ratings continue to plummet.
The breakfast show, hosted by former One Show presenters Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley, is only averaging somewhere around 500,000 viewers per show.
500,000 sounds like a lot, but when you consider that even Channel 4’s god-awful Seven Days experiment is pulling in more viewers per episode, you know that something is going seriously wrong.
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If Kate Gosselin plays her cards right she could soon be the flagship of two TV shows.
Jon & Kate Plus 8 being the first, of course. That’s obvious. Her second show isn’t as conventional. That’s because Hugh Hefner has recently offered to pay to digitally add Gosselin to every single Diane-episode of Cheers that was ever filmed. Using Forrest Gump technology she’d be seen sitting between Norm & Cliff gnawing on pretzels & slobbery mail bags.
We would watch that. What we wouldn’t watch is anything where-in her clothes were off. That, in actuality, is where Hefner enters the story.
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Everyone wants to see Bronx Mowgli Wentz – because if the face matches the name then that’s one ugly baby.
But cool your jets, world. Pete Wentz doesn’t roll like those other celebrity idiots. True, he does roll like those other celebrity idiots in that he’s got a stupid haircut, a humiliatingly-named baby and he married one of the Simpson girls without really thinking it through first, but Pete Wentz definitely isn’t selling his baby photos to a magazine.
Bronx Mowgli’s just too precious for that. Plus it’ll mean that now Pete’ll make a crapload from selling the reality TV show rights. A crapload.
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Things we’ve learnt today, number 14 – Jessica Alba has an unusually dominant hairiness gene.
She must have, because Jessica Alba is on the cover of this week’s OK! magazine with her new baby daughter Honor Marie and we’ll be blowed if Alba Jr doesn’t have the fullest head of hair we’ve ever seen on any single living creature ever. It’s astounding.
At least, we’re assuming that Jessica Alba’s daughter has a thick head of hair. For all we know it could be a wig covering up for the time when Honor Marie went out, got drunk and had ‘I hated The Love Guru’ tattooed across her bald scalp deliberately to try and spite Jessica Alba and sabotage her big-money covershoot. In fact, screw it, let’s just say that’s what happened anyway.
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When Angelina Jolie's impending twins finally spill out, they will likely be accompanied by sunbeams and rainbows.
The whole world waits on edge, listening intently for the double baby-wail emanating from some crummy French town.
Everyone, no doubt, will demand to see pictures – and all magazines everywhere know this.
That's why there's such an intense bidding war going on.
And if you're the mag that offers the most money, you get the pics – along with a strange stipulation.
You could never print the term Brangelina behind your glossy cover again.
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In the finest tradition of any parent of a popular tabloid celebrity, yet another money-making scheme has been hatched by Michael Lohan, father of Lindsay and rumoured father of future singing sensation (ahem) Ashley Kaufmann.
This has to be some kind of record, the speed at which the cynical wheels of the man's mind have been turning, pushing him ever closer to the seventh level of hell in his endless pursuit to make a quick buck from his family. For god's sake – it hasn't even been confirmed that Ashley is his daughter. To say hecklerspray is incredulous is something of an understatement. And when we understate, you know something is really up.
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