It is a fact, passed down through from hecklerspray writer to hecklerspray writer that if ever someone utters the words “haters gonna hate” or any other variation on that theme that they have automatically marked themselves out as a hateful figure. Therefore it is easy to imagine the vehement feelings of anger that course through our collective veins every time we hear from representatives of the Cher Lloyd ‘Anti-Hater Brigade’.
Is Cher Lloyd a hateful figure? Probably not. After all, she’s just a lassie singing some songs and making a wee bit of money. There’s nothing inherently hateful in that, is there?
That being said, Pope Gregory VII wasn’t an inherently hateful figure either but he also initiated a crusade against another kind of “hater”, the Muslims in the Middle East and look how that ended up. Largely with a lot more Christians and, if young Cher has her way, her own crusade will leave us with a lot more Cher Lloyd fans. So perhaps Swagger Jagger and its inevitable follow-ups will kill more people than the crusades.
Of course, we can’t stop clickin ’bout her, writin’ ’bout her, or tweeting ’bout her but that seems to be because Cher has had the beginnings of a mental breakdown where she believes that absolutely everyone in her immediate vicinity is a “hater”. In order for people to stop getting ‘all up in her grill’ she would really need to stop forcing her ‘grill’ upon people.
Cher, one of the runners up on this year’s “Cheryl Cole-a-like 2011″, is reportedly rubbing her expensive stylists up the wrong way (not like that) by refusing to take their style advice. In a shocking move by a teenager, she appears to have pissed her “hater” stylists off by insisting on styling herself in her own image. By “her own image” we mean the image of a High Street Cheryl Cole who’s been fired through a spraypaint factory by a Howitzer.
Now magazine has been claiming recently that Ms Lloyd has been acting like a ‘little diva’ and one of their well-known made-up ‘sources’ added:
‘Cher thinks she knows best. She has her own ideas about the way she wants to look and sound. Her stylists wanted to take her edgy like Rihanna, but Cher won’t move past the urban look.’
That’s right folks! Stop the presses! Here’s tomorrow’s front page:
TEENAGER IN “KNOWING BEST” SHOCKER
It’s now well known that a teenager has never, ever thought that they knew best about how to dress or carry themselves. In fact, teenagers crave orders and structure laid down by strict, over-paid idiots called Tarquin. Everyone knows that. Everyone except the “haters” at Syco & Now Magazine.
Lloyd’s boss Simon Cowell is also said to be fed up with the youngster, telling his friends that she is too ‘gobby’ and yet another invented ‘source’ claimed that many SYCO staff feel the same.
‘Cher gets tattoos and shaves her hair without consultation. It’s great that she’s got such a strong creative vision, but her people end up reading about what she’s done in the papers.’
It is widely rumoured that Cowell will be renegotiating a strip-search clause into Lloyd’s contract where she must consent to getting her kit off for her ‘people’ to make sure that she hasn’t got “I <3 Cheryl Cole” tattooed on the inside of her thigh… again. The more that is written about Lloyd’s hatred of “haters”, the more we begin to believe that there might actually be some kind of “hater” conspiracy designed to devastate Cher’s confidence.
We’ll put our best man undercover to find out.
The gobby, stubborn teenager recently addressed the many haters that attack her online, explaining that she would rather people are talking about her than ignoring her before going on to say that she was proud of her fans for misinterpreting the tone of most articles which are written about her and thanked them for living their obsessive, unfulfilled lives vicariously through her and her ‘swagger jagger’.
She also suggested that anyone who didn’t buy her next single “Blah, Blah, You Just A Hater” would be- unsurprisingly- a hater.