Things we’ve learnt today, number 14 – Jessica Alba has an unusually dominant hairiness gene.
She must have, because Jessica Alba is on the cover of this week’s OK! magazine with her new baby daughter Honor Marie and we’ll be blowed if Alba Jr doesn’t have the fullest head of hair we’ve ever seen on any single living creature ever. It’s astounding.
At least, we’re assuming that Jessica Alba’s daughter has a thick head of hair. For all we know it could be a wig covering up for the time when Honor Marie went out, got drunk and had ‘I hated The Love Guru’ tattooed across her bald scalp deliberately to try and spite Jessica Alba and sabotage her big-money covershoot. In fact, screw it, let’s just say that’s what happened anyway.
Jessica Alba really couldn’t have picked a worse time to have her baby, could she? Usually when a female celebrity has a baby, their profile shoots up and everyone thinks they’re wonderful, but that hasn’t really happened with Jessica Alba.
The truth is that people don’t care too much about Jessica Alba’s baby because they’re all babied-out. Nicole Kidman had a baby and Jamie Lynn Spears had a baby and Angelina Jolie had two babies and so just even thinking about Jessica Alba’s baby makes people want to hurt themselves, to be honest. It makes them want to hurt themselves in the eyes.
However, although Jessica Alba is so bland that she can’t drum up attention towards her baby without falling back on the old sexy talk, young Honor Marie had a genius wheeze up her sleeve – she made sure that she was born with an adult male’s haircut.
Perfect – and with a USP like rampant man-hair, Jessica Alba managed to sell her baby photos to OK! magazine for a cool $1.5 million. The fact that Honor Marie was born looking like a model in a poster on the wall of a small-town British barbershop in the mid-1980s wasn’t really brought up in the accompanying interview, but we know. We all know.
Anyway, Jessica Alba and her husband Cash Warren told OK!:
“She looks like a girl version of me,” Cash says. “She has my nose, my eyebrows and my…” “Forehead and dimples,” Jessica finishes, adding, “She has my mouth when I was a baby. And my ears.” “Maybe Honor is a mixture,” Cash reconsiders. “I want her to look like me, because a daughter looking like Jessica, I’d kill myself!”
What? Cash Warren would kill himself if his daughter looked like Jessica Alba? If she looked like his own famously beautiful wife? What an odd thing to say. Does that mean:
a) Cash Warren would kill himself because he thinks that Jessica Alba is really ugly?
b) Cash Warren would kill himself in advance so he wouldn’t have to deal with the boyfriends that a girl who looks like Jessica Alba would inevitably be swamped with? Or
c) Cash Warren would kill himself out of shame for finding his daughter attractive?
We genuinely don’t know, but it’s a weird quote to put in an interview accompanying the first public pictures of your child. Imagine in 20 years time when the family are reminiscing together: “Shall we look at your baby photos, Honor Marie?” “What, the ones in the magazine where Dad threatened suicide for no discernible reason? No, I’m OK without, ta.”
In fact, between that and the weird Roger The Dodger haircut that the stylist has decided to give Honor Marie, it might be a good idea if Jessica Alba put her copy of the magazine in the bottom of a drawer and just forgot about it forever.
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David Bryden says
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