Posts tagged as:

Katie Holmes

Suri Cruise Performs Anarcho-Punk Act Of Guerilla Satire With A Bag Of Penises

by Justrestingmyeyes

Life’s got to be pretty damn dull when you’re a celebrity spawn. Once you’ve got used to the endless procession of uncles with big flashy cameras that Mummy is so fond of twirling about in front of, and the endless procession of nannies that Daddy keeps disappearing to the toilet with and making squeak like [...]

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Katie Holmes Sues Magazine For Telling Slightly More Lies Than Usual

by Amy Grindhouse

Katie Holmes is suing mad over Star Magazine telling filthy, filthy lies about her alleged drug addiction. That addiction, you know. The one where she’s addicted to Charlie Sheen, or something. We’re pretty sure at least one person in this story’s addicted to Charlie Sheen. The actress has filed a libel lawsuit in federal court [...]

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Are Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Splitting Up? Probably Not

by Kris Silver

Katie Holmes may well have finally escaped from the clutches of Tom Cruise, if reports in some glossy yank rag are to be believed. The Star is reporting that the Tomkat experience is over and no longer a thread to the rest of us with their weird placenta eating ways. You can’t really blame them for thinking [...]

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‘Fountain of Youth’ Suri Cruise Keeps Tom Cruise Young

by Amy Grindhouse

Tom Cruise has denied that he’s nightly bathing in the blood of virginal $cientology converts, in order to stave off the ravages of age. That’s probably a wise denial, if ever we heard one. Tom turned 48 years old on July 3rd. As is customary at this time of year, a painting in his attic [...]

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WEBTHUMP! 16 June 2010

by Stuart Heritage

10 – The end of the actual world: coming sooner than you think – Asylum 9 – Katie Holmes undergoes an internal software upgrade – AmyGrindhouse 8 – That’s DOCTOR Ozzy Osbourne to you – Slantedscience 7 – What’s that? You want to see a child having his teeth pulled out BY A ROCKET? Oh, [...]

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Kate Holmes Dresses Up Like A Twonk, Bumps Into Ex

by Anna Thompson

It’s happened to all of us, the best of us, the worst of us, and the even the ones sitting awkwardly in the middle.

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Tom Cruise Is Hungry For Placenta Again

by Stuart Heritage

Good news Suri Cruise – before too long, you’ll stop being the smallest member of the Cruise family.

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Katie Holmes Admits She Courted Her Fame As Part Of ‘TomKat’

by hecklerspray staff

Katie Holmes is a woman whom many find enigmatic. She was once Joey Potter on Dawson’s Creek and now she is known for being little more than the kept woman looking all shiny eyed, whilst hanging off Tom Cruise’s arm.

The actress and mother is the subject of much speculation and often ridicule.

Some think that she is the kid who got lucky and married her childhood crush, while others think that she is the target of a clever Scientology-based blind date system, where the winner gets to be shackled to their famous mate for the rest of their lives.

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This Just In: Katie Holmes Sort Of Likes Her Own Child

by Stuart Heritage

Katie Holmes has never really been that well known for her giant profundity, but that’s all about to change.

And it’s all down to Suri Cruise. You see, the effect of Suri Cruise on Katie Holmes has been enormous. So big that Katie Holmes has just become the first mother in all of history to publicly state that she quite likes her child.

It goes further. Katie Holmes has called being a mother ‘the most important job in the world’. Take that Ban Ki-moon, and don’t come back until you’ve learnt how to cook fish fingers for crying ungrateful brats.

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Tom Cruise Somehow Makes Katie Holmes’ Birthday All About Him

by Stuart Heritage

The end of the play All My Sons is profoundly sad – when the family’s patriarch kills himself to end his unbearable guilt and then everyone celebrates with cake.

Wait a minute, everyone celebrates with what? That isn’t in the script – All My Sons ends with the patriarch killing himself to end his unbearable guilt and then everyone unites in a tableau of profound grief. Where’s all this bloody cake come from?

Oh, Tom Cruise. We should have known. Yesterday was Katie Holmes’ 30th birthday, so Tom Cruise sent cake and champagne for everyone in the play to enjoy. In a tableau of profound grief, obviously.

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