The Mayans said that the World would end in 2012, December 21st in fact (so don’t be buying any Peacocks gifts vouchers), but those pesky Aztec ripoff neglected to mention that one the signs of the upcoming Apocalypse would be Helena Bonham-Carter not starring in a Tim Burton film.
And here we are, like the nose on your plain face, looking right at the factual evidence that Bonham-Carter is going to be elsewhere when they film ‘Big Eyes.’
Instead of the massively haired weirdo, Burton has picked the insufferable Reese Witherspoon and the equally insufferable but slightly more fanciable, Ryan Reynolds to play the parts of indie artists, Margaret and Walter Keane respectively.
Read More >>>
Finding a man to play Michael Jackson in a biopic is no easy task. Listen, LaToya Jackson is surely not in the picture, despite being MJ’s reanimated corpse. Think about it. You need someone who vaguely looks like the former King of Pop.
Naturally, what with Michael going from handsome black man to Roswell white man, there’s not many people who are up to the task, unless someone creates some ET/human/chameleon hybrid.
However, seeing as a Michael Jackson biopic is in the pipeline, there’s actors being touted to guzzle Propofol like UHT milk. And oddly, most of them are white.
Read More >>>
Hey! You know who is so sexy it hurts? No. Seriously. So sexy that every alluring move of any body part results in absolute agony? Yeah. That sexy. Really violently sexy. Eruptingly sexually sexy?
Bradley Cooper!
Yeah. You thought we were going to say Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt or George Clooney didn’t you? You may have even thought about the amazingly gormless looking Ryan Gosling. BUT NO! Sexier than all of those put together, sexier than a French accent, sexier than a well-lit porn film is Bradley ‘Sexiest Man On Earth’ Cooper! Who-per?
Read More >>>
12 bar blues is a godsend for anyone who can make their way around a fretboard without ever switching their brain on. It enables bloated divs the chance to think that they can show off a little.
LOOK MAW! I DONE LEARNDID THAT GEETAW!
The Rolling Stones’ Keef Richards is a man that’s been hauling his melted ass around the world for nearly 500 years after kneeling at the altar of the blues jam and Johnny Depp has been caught jamming with the stonesman on video, pissing around with the same tired licks you’ve heard at every lousy two-bit music bar and house party.
Read More >>>
Johnny Depp loves playing kooky characters doesn’t he? He’s not like those other actors who do action movies. Oh no. He plays guitar, smokes cigarettes and says having your photo taken is like being raped.
That’s our Johnny!
And now, in a move that will stagger you daft, he’s going to take on the role of children’s author Dr Seuss in a new biopic. That’s not like him is it? How very peculiar. He might even do his Hunter S. Thompson/Jack Sparrow hand wafty thing too. Amazing. What a dreamboat.
Read More >>>
Have you got a thing for cowboys? Even the closeted ones from Brokeback Mountain? Do you also have a thing for the repulsively handsome Johnny Depp? Well, how about the prospect of Depp dressed up like a cowboy then? Does that tickle your pickle?
Well tough. That’s because Disney were all set to make a Depp featuring film of The Lone Ranger, ’til they decided that they really, really hate you.
That’s right! In their infinite wisdom, Walt Disney Studios have shut down production of The Lone Ranger which would have seen Johnny as Tonto and Armie Hammer (who sounds like a toothpaste) as the title character.
Read More >>>
Dates may well be something of an American construct, but the world has embraced the notion of them, going out for dinner, watching a film or indeed, simply standing in a celebrity’s garden until they call the cops.
The ubiquitous date is a thrilling, fraught experience. It could be the start of something wonderful! The greatest love story ever told! Or indeed, it could be horrible. It could show you your dream partner and then snatch them away from you forever, seeing you vowing to an angry sky that you’ll never love another!
Tricky things aren’t they? So how best to navigate them? Well, as ever, we look to fiction for help.
Read More >>>
Do you hate the Royals? Do you wish they’d all be rounded up in some revolution (Ha! Like you lazy jerks could actually stopping messing around online long enough to actually leave the house and Smash The System!) and flogged in a public square? All of them and everyone relating to them?
Well in that case, you hate Johnny Depp. You have to get up early in the morning just to cram in enough Depp hate.
That’s because some bozo has revealed that Johnny Depp is related to Queen Elizabeth II. You heard. He’s a blue-blood now. Well, he does have a penchant for hats and shooting guns – the clues have been honking at us for years!
Read More >>>
