Articles tagged with: Harry Potter
JK Rowling Earns £5 Every Second, Also Global Resentment
You know that time you had a protracted two-hour argument with your girlfriend about the hoovering? JK Rowling earnt £36,000 during that. And you know that poo you did this morning? The one you bit off prematurely because you were in a rush? JK Rowling earnt enough money to buy two Playstations and a week in a Greek villa during that. It's just been announced, you see, that JK Rowling is the richest author on the planet, earning £5 a second. So even just then, when you recoiled in disgust at our graphic description of chopping a poo in half with your sphincter, JK Rowling probably made enough money to go on a three-hour shopping spree at Primark. A shopping spree that ironically would earn JK Rowling enough money to but a nice eight-berth yacht that, if she took on a two-week cruise, would earn her enough money to buy your entire family forever, basically.
You know that time you had a protracted two-hour argument with your girlfriend about the hoovering? JK Rowling earnt £36,000 during that. And you know that poo you did this morning? The one you bit off prematurely because you were in a rush? JK Rowling earnt enough money to buy two Playstations and a week in a Greek villa during that. It's just been announced, you see, that JK Rowling is the richest author on the planet, earning £5 a second. So even just then, when you recoiled in disgust at our graphic description of chopping a poo in half with your sphincter, JK Rowling probably made enough money to go on a three-hour shopping spree at Primark. A shopping spree that ironically would earn JK Rowling enough money to but a nice eight-berth yacht that, if she took on a two-week cruise, would earn her enough money to buy your entire family forever, basically.
Next Harry Potter Film To 3D Itself All Over Your Face
The world is a dark place filled with war, famine, and way too much pesticide. Also it has that poisoned Chinese milk flowing all over the place like the mighty river of zebra blood that's always babblin' across the Serengeti. You see where we're going with this. And to top it all off JK Rowling & Co have delicately decided to push back the next Harry Potter movie a decade or something - despite us having already promised dozens of starving orphans front row seats at a November premiere. It makes it look like we've gone back on our word - and that's something we almost never don't do. What seems to be internetting about the globe as good news, however, is that the next Potter film is going to be jam packed with a marvelous 25 minutes of undeniable 3D. It's thought to look so good that when Harry stabs out the eye of that unicorn - everybody watching will duck. Now that's entertainment!
The world is a dark place filled with war, famine, and way too much pesticide. Also it has that poisoned Chinese milk flowing all over the place like the mighty river of zebra blood that's always babblin' across the Serengeti. You see where we're going with this. And to top it all off JK Rowling & Co have delicately decided to push back the next Harry Potter movie a decade or something - despite us having already promised dozens of starving orphans front row seats at a November premiere. It makes it look like we've gone back on our word - and that's something we almost never don't do. What seems to be internetting about the globe as good news, however, is that the next Potter film is going to be jam packed with a marvelous 25 minutes of undeniable 3D. It's thought to look so good that when Harry stabs out the eye of that unicorn - everybody watching will duck. Now that's entertainment!
Goody Two Shoes JK Rowling Magics Some Cash To Evil Gordon Brown
Reading a newspaper doesn’t seem to be as fun as it used to be. Whilst sniggering at the Page 3 girls' outlook on life, these enlightening comments have now turned to something much more shocking. Death! Fear! Famine! Terror! Bono! Knives! Guns! They all make for happy and pleasant reading on the way in to work. All before you’re charged £1.80 for a piss weak cup of coffee in the local café. If the thought of being stabbed to death isn't great enough to reduce you to a nervous wreck who only watches Jeremy Kyle, we’ve got a new crisis. Apparently, all the banks in the world who rape us via bank charges have run out of money or something. Subsequently, everything is going to cost more and limit us to only seven Starbucks trips a day. With Gordon Brown taking the hit for messing up the country, there seems to have been no help or even a cuddle anywhere. Well that is until JK Rowling came along and donated £1,000,000 of her own money to help him out.
Reading a newspaper doesn’t seem to be as fun as it used to be. Whilst sniggering at the Page 3 girls' outlook on life, these enlightening comments have now turned to something much more shocking. Death! Fear! Famine! Terror! Bono! Knives! Guns! They all make for happy and pleasant reading on the way in to work. All before you’re charged £1.80 for a piss weak cup of coffee in the local café. If the thought of being stabbed to death isn't great enough to reduce you to a nervous wreck who only watches Jeremy Kyle, we’ve got a new crisis. Apparently, all the banks in the world who rape us via bank charges have run out of money or something. Subsequently, everything is going to cost more and limit us to only seven Starbucks trips a day. With Gordon Brown taking the hit for messing up the country, there seems to have been no help or even a cuddle anywhere. Well that is until JK Rowling came along and donated £1,000,000 of her own money to help him out.
JK Rowling Crushes ‘Harry Potter Lexicon’ In Her Giant Metal Fist
Remember that book about Harry Potter that JK Rowling didn't write that made JK Rowling so furious that she almost pooed her spine out in court? You do? Well in that case you'll be pleased to know that JK Rowling has won her court case. A judge in New York has claimed that Steven Jan Vander Ark's The Harry Potter Lexicon does illegally plagiarise the Harry Potter novels and so it can never be released. What does this mean? In short it means that if Harry Potter fans want to buy a secondary book that acts as a reference guide for the myriad Harry Potter characters, locations and themes, they can now either a) wait for JK Rowling to finish writing her Harry Potter encyclopedia or b) grow up and stop being such moon-faced, sappy-eyed farty arseholes with their gormless wizard fixations and their stupid bloody haircuts.
Remember that book about Harry Potter that JK Rowling didn't write that made JK Rowling so furious that she almost pooed her spine out in court? You do? Well in that case you'll be pleased to know that JK Rowling has won her court case. A judge in New York has claimed that Steven Jan Vander Ark's The Harry Potter Lexicon does illegally plagiarise the Harry Potter novels and so it can never be released. What does this mean? In short it means that if Harry Potter fans want to buy a secondary book that acts as a reference guide for the myriad Harry Potter characters, locations and themes, they can now either a) wait for JK Rowling to finish writing her Harry Potter encyclopedia or b) grow up and stop being such moon-faced, sappy-eyed farty arseholes with their gormless wizard fixations and their stupid bloody haircuts.
Hari Puttar Not Coming Your Way If Warner Bros Has Its Say
Over the years, there have been thousands of rubbish fan versions of Harry Potter as they try to plug the void until JK Rowling scribbles another book. The amusing for five seconds Harry Pothead series was a hit with morons everywhere, and recently an independent encyclopedia detailing all the characters, spells and abuse suffered by pupils from Dumbledore was due for release. So imagine Warner Brothers' delight when it found out about an up and coming film called Hari Puttar. Their lawyers cast some magic spells immediately to stop the film being released.
Over the years, there have been thousands of rubbish fan versions of Harry Potter as they try to plug the void until JK Rowling scribbles another book. The amusing for five seconds Harry Pothead series was a hit with morons everywhere, and recently an independent encyclopedia detailing all the characters, spells and abuse suffered by pupils from Dumbledore was due for release. So imagine Warner Brothers' delight when it found out about an up and coming film called Hari Puttar. Their lawyers cast some magic spells immediately to stop the film being released.
Quantum of Solace Pushed Back a Week, and It’s All Harry Potter’s Fault
Harry Potter has a lot to answer for - now he's magically caused Quantum of Solace to be pushed back. Not content with ruining the dreams and emotions of a billion little kids and a lot of adults who probably should know better, Daniel Radcliffe and company's decision to move the new Harry Potter film to next summer has prompted Sony to push the upcoming James Bond flick - the one with the funny name - back. Alright, so it's only a week, with the film being pushed from November 7th to the 14th, but still - come on. Give us a break here. The reason for the move was given as a simple one: 'we want more money'. Technically not what they actually said, but 'moving it closer to the Thanksgiving/Christmas market' is pretty transparent when it comes to reasoning.
Harry Potter has a lot to answer for - now he's magically caused Quantum of Solace to be pushed back. Not content with ruining the dreams and emotions of a billion little kids and a lot of adults who probably should know better, Daniel Radcliffe and company's decision to move the new Harry Potter film to next summer has prompted Sony to push the upcoming James Bond flick - the one with the funny name - back. Alright, so it's only a week, with the film being pushed from November 7th to the 14th, but still - come on. Give us a break here. The reason for the move was given as a simple one: 'we want more money'. Technically not what they actually said, but 'moving it closer to the Thanksgiving/Christmas market' is pretty transparent when it comes to reasoning.
Daniel Radcliffe’s Penis Pushed Harry Potter Back Eight Months
Daniel Radcliffe may well be the face of Harry Potter, but he's already made great headway towards getting away from being pigeonholed. The way he went about this was to go on stage and get his penis out. It's a classic technique, and one we've surely all practiced at some point in our lives. If we have the necessary equipment, of course. But what happens when you're pottering about (PUN!) getting your bits out on stage around the same time that the new chapter in a kids film, in which you star, is coming out? Well, kids, Harry Potter 6 gets pushed back eight months, if the wild, rampant and ker-azy speculation is to be believed. Yes kids - Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince isn't coming out because of Daniel Radcliffe's penis. That is one of the greatest sentences we've ever had to write, even if it isn't actually definitely true.
Daniel Radcliffe may well be the face of Harry Potter, but he's already made great headway towards getting away from being pigeonholed. The way he went about this was to go on stage and get his penis out. It's a classic technique, and one we've surely all practiced at some point in our lives. If we have the necessary equipment, of course. But what happens when you're pottering about (PUN!) getting your bits out on stage around the same time that the new chapter in a kids film, in which you star, is coming out? Well, kids, Harry Potter 6 gets pushed back eight months, if the wild, rampant and ker-azy speculation is to be believed. Yes kids - Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince isn't coming out because of Daniel Radcliffe's penis. That is one of the greatest sentences we've ever had to write, even if it isn't actually definitely true.
Harry Potter and the Legions of Disappointed Idiots
If you're an adult that lists the Harry Potter series of books as one of your favourites then you likely need to be shot. In the face. If you're an adult that lists the Harry Potter series of films as one of your favourites then you need to be fired. From a cannon. Into the sun. Twice. Needless to say, the idiots that do like this garbage - that's 'kids' and the aforementioned persons that need to be killed in excessive fashions - will be upset to learn that the newest film, Harry Potter and the Simple Premise Drawn Out For Far Too Long, Thus Making Billions of Dollars, has been pushed back by eight months. Why? Technical problems? Realising it's crap? No - to make sure it comes out in the summer when Warner Bros don't have much else to bring out. In other words: to make more money. What a lovely, cynical, money-grabbing world we do live in. It makes us feel all gooey inside.
If you're an adult that lists the Harry Potter series of books as one of your favourites then you likely need to be shot. In the face. If you're an adult that lists the Harry Potter series of films as one of your favourites then you need to be fired. From a cannon. Into the sun. Twice. Needless to say, the idiots that do like this garbage - that's 'kids' and the aforementioned persons that need to be killed in excessive fashions - will be upset to learn that the newest film, Harry Potter and the Simple Premise Drawn Out For Far Too Long, Thus Making Billions of Dollars, has been pushed back by eight months. Why? Technical problems? Realising it's crap? No - to make sure it comes out in the summer when Warner Bros don't have much else to bring out. In other words: to make more money. What a lovely, cynical, money-grabbing world we do live in. It makes us feel all gooey inside.
