Girls, we have some bad news for you – it’s Daniel Radcliffe. He’s off the market. We know, it’s upsetting.

And a shock, too. Like you, we had always assumed that Daniel Radcliffe was one of those creepy asexual child stars who’d grow up collecting dolls and singing to dolls and carefully brushing the hair of the dolls every night because they’re the only ones who understand and they’d never leave him. But we were wrong. Apparently Daniel Radcliffe has found himself a girlfriend.

Her name is Olive Uniacke, and she’s the stepdaughter of the Harry Potter producer. But, girls, don’t hate Olive Uniacke. This isn’t the end of the world. After all, Rupert Grint is still on the market. Actually, you’re right, this might be the end of the world.

Even though he’s already spend several months of his life waggling his naked penis at thousands of strangers, it’s hard to think of Daniel Radcliffe as a sexual being. Try it. Try thinking of Daniel Radcliffe as a sexual being. You can’t, can you? Not without dry-heaving for six hours and then voluntarily placing yourself on the sex offender register.

It’s not a problem with the other Harry Potter stars. It’s easy to imagine Alan Rickman having sex, or Emma Watson having sex, or even Dobby The House Elf having graphic, eight-way intercourse in a dingy pub back room, but for some reason it’s impossible to think of Daniel Radcliffe that way. And we’ve tried. God knows that we’ve tried.

Shows what we know. Because, while we’ve been doubled over a toilet trying to exorcise the fictional mental image of Harry Potter’s testicles by unsuccessfully attempting to bring our dinner back up, Daniel Radcliffe has reportedly found himself a girlfriend. Her name is Olive Uniacke, they’ve apparently been inseparable for the last few weeks and, according to The Daily Mail, she’s as homely and as clean cut as you could imagine:

Olive is renowned for holding some of the best house parties, really great bashes. She can be quite wild. She loves to drink champagne, particularly Moet, and she chain-smokes Camel cigarettes. She also loves to go nightclubbing.

What? The harlot! How dare Olive Uniacke behave like a normal 19-year-old girl! Doesn’t she know that she’s Daniel Radcliffe’s girlfriend now, and that certain things are expected of her? Honestly Olive, he might have fallen for your bad girl ways at first, but if you want to keep Daniel Radcliffe, you need to change your ways fast. You should learn how to sing to dolls while brushing their hair. That’d be a good start.

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