Equus – or Harry Potter And The Demented Imaginary Horse-God Who Makes Him Get Naked And Stab A Bunch Of Horses In The Eye With A Metal Spike In A Fairly Disturbing Way as literally nobody is calling it – opened to a sell-out crowd last night.

Despite being one of the most significant dramatic plays to be written in the post-war period – exploring subject-matter as substantial as link between eroticism and Christianity, the expression of sexuality through mutilation and a constant questioning of the worth of normalcy – Equus is the must-see play of the year because Daniel Radcliffe, the actor who plays Harry Potter, gets his penis out and stabs a couple of horses up in it. And just about everyone loves naked Daniel Radcliffe's penis for it.

Until late last year, when you thought of Daniel Radcliffe you thought exclusively of Harry Potter. Harry Potter had made Daniel Radcliffe the richest little boy in the country – so rich, in fact, that all sorts of people wanted to draw pictures of him. But just dressing up as a schoolboy and earning millions of quid for it wasn't enough for Daniel Radcliffe – he wanted to push himself as an actor. So Daniel Radcliffe did the only thing he could – he decided to play a dead soldier. And nobody paid any attention, so he got naked and stabbed a horse in the eye instead.

When Daniel Radcliffe announced last July that he was straying from Harry Potter to indulge in some naked horsey weirdness in Equus he must have had some inkling about what to expect – especially when all the press photos of Harry Potter with his penis out were released – but the reaction was phenomenal. Teenage Harry Potter fans screamed with delight, theatre critics praised Daniel Radcliffe's bravery in taking on a play as extreme as Equus and Warner Bros begrudgingly decided not to sack him from Harry Potter for it.

And last night Daniel Radcliffe in Equus opened at the Gielgud Theatre, and a packed crowd turned up to see what Harry Potter would look like running around naked with his penis flapping about, stabbing horses and screaming at a fat man who dreams that he tears the beating hearts out of hundreds of children at the behest of a mental horse-god thing. Turns out they quite liked it. Charles Spencer of The Telegraph said of Equus:

Daniel Radcliffe brilliantly succeeds in throwing off the mantle of Harry Potter, announcing himself as a thrilling stage actor of unexpected range and depth. Those of us who have watched the Potter films with our families have always liked Radcliffe, who has a rare natural charm about him, and he has improved greatly as an actor as the series has progressed. Despite minimal previous theatrical experience Radcliffe here displays a dramatic power and an electrifying stage presence that marks a tremendous leap forward.

The clamour to see what Harry Potter's cock Daniel Radcliffe's electrifying stage presence looks like has meant that Equus has taken around £1 million in advance tickets, but it's not all sunshine and monkeys for Equus; anti-smoking groups have lashed at Daniel Radcliffe for smoking a cigarette during the play. And fair's fair – a naked 17-year-old boy mutilating six horses with a spike is really no big deal, but smoking? The sick little fucker.

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Radcliffe's Naked Talent Makes Equus A Hit – Telegraph