Hey everyone, remember Harry Potter? Sure you do. It was that thing that everybody liked before Twilight.

Remember? Harry Potter? Came before Twilight and after Teletubbies? Oh, you remember. Anyway, the three of you who do still care a jot about anything that happens to Harry Potter will be pleased to know that a new trailer for Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows has just been released.

And the Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows trailer is so dense with information that the only way you’ll ever get anything from it is to break it down into little pieces. And that’s what we plan to do after the jump. Oh, we’re good to you, three remaining Harry Potter fans…

Right, first things first – let’s show you the Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows trailer in full. Ready?

Wow! We literally don’t have a clue about anything that just happened. And we’re adults, so God knows how the stupid children that make up Harry Potter’s audience coped. There’s only one thing for it – this trailer needs some decoding!

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So, just to get everyone up to speed, Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows is about how Harry Potter, now 35 years old, can’t get custody of his kids for more than one weekend a month. There he is now, looking all old and shit.

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And now it’s time to introduce you all to Harry’s love interest in the film. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Vin Diesel!

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Blimey. We know it’s been a few years since the first Harry Potter film was released, but time hasn’t exactly been very kind to Hermione, has it? Yikes.

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Oh, yes, we should probably point out that the Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows trailer is studded with all kinds of self-satisfied bragging. ‘THE FINALE OF THE WORLDWIDE PHENOMENON’, one says. ‘COMPLETE THE JOURNEY IN 3D’ says another. ‘HARRY POTTER COULD FIGHT A LION WITH HIS BARE HANDS AND WIN’, ‘THIS FILM WILL LITERALLY MAKE YOU SHIT ON YOURSELF’ ‘HARRY POTTER DID IT WITH YOUR MUM IN THE B&Q CAR PARK AND YOUR MUM LOVED IT’… it goes on and on. But, yes, we suppose that Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows really is the motion picture event of a generation, actually.

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The motion picture event ABOUT AN OLD MAN IN A CUPBOARD of a generation OF STUPID CHILDREN, that is. There, that told YOU.

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Look, we’re going to square with you. We honestly don’t know what’s happening here. But you have our promise – whenever we write about Rupert Grint from now on, this will be the picture that we use.

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Finally, the big love scene of the trailer. This is where Harry Potter and Vin Diesel get it on. First it starts with some gentle nuzzling, then it progresses to tongue-kissing and mild foreplay and… wait, we’ve made ourselves feel ill. But it definitely happens, though. Definitely.

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Oh wait, there’s more. Harry Potter, you dirty old dog. After this, Harry then goes on to kiss Dumbledore, then Hermione, then Hagrid, then Hans Gruber, then that owl thing, then that blonde kid who looks as if he’s about 48, all to the sound of Blowing Bubbles from the Deep Throat soundtrack. It might end up being cut from the final movie, but it was definitely filmed. And your mum loved it.

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SPOILER ALERT: This is from right at the end of the film, where Harry Potter learns that he can only defeat Voldemort by doing a shit in his pants. This is him doing that exact thing, right in his pants.

You’re welcome, three remaining Harry Potter fans.

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