Becks’ Sex Texts: In Context and Contest

There are many differences between Americans and the British. They are a young, driven country, full of hope and motivated by optimism, pride and a sense of moral justice. We are a reserved, sardonic people steeped in heritage and history. We watch The Office, they watch The Office: An American Workplace.

It doesn’t end there though.

Americans are sickeningly obese, greedy, witless, war-mongering and bigoted idiots who shit hot dogs, Smith & Wessons and Dr. Dre CDs ‘outta their fuckin’ asses’.

The British are stuttering, spineless, buck-toothed homosexuals with an inflated sense of their own self-importance, shitting buttered crumpets, umbrellas and Alan Bennett monologues ‘out of their bloody arses’.

10 Famous People Who Should Never Speak Again

Kimberly Walsh, James Blunt, Russell Brand, David Beckham, Esther RantzenHere’s a guest blog by Josh from the mighty Interestment

Beauty surely is the most fickle of the tick box categories we demand in a partner. After all, every once in a while a gorgeous face will start speaking, and all semblence of attractiveness will find itself hurtling from the nearest window.

Here are ten famous people who would be wise to keep schtum in future.

Look! A Bunch Of Famous Sportswear-Wearing People

The recent Adidas commercial works a bit like a sort of celebrity IQ test – an endless parade of famous people flash before you, and you have to name as many as you can.

How many can you get? We saw Estelle and Run DMC and David Beckham and The Ting Tings and former Antiques Roadshow presenter Hugh Scully and Bod and the Archangel Gabriel and Brian May from Queen and famous Australian moth Xylorycta Assimilis. Can you do better? Doubtful.

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WEBTHUMP! Tuesday 17 February 2009

10 - Heard enough about Christian Bale yet? Family Guy doesn’t seem to think so…

9 - Yet more evidence of why Yahoo Answers is the best website on the planet – Image

8 - How much money did Madonna make last year? An OBSCENE amount, that’s how much – Billboard

7 - Want to see a picture of David Beckham getting choked? OK! – Popsugar

6 - Just what the world needs: a chocolate shortage – ABC

5 - Creepy creepy creepy toys – io9

4 – OCTOPUS WITH A JAR! – I Am Bored

The Beckhams Vs The Thai Monks Of Koh Samui – It’s On!

The Beckhams each have their own agendas.

David likes to try stringing simple sentences together so that nobody confuses with a messed-up character from The Wizard Of Oz. Victoria, meanwhile, hones in on any nearby cameras so that the paparazzi can take another photo of her pulling a face like of a cow that’s just had a hand shoved up its arse.

Thai monks, on the other hand, do nothing all day apart from being at one with the planet and acting extremely hard. One thing that does nark them off, though, is when animals and insects are innocently killed, possibly with the bug zappers that David and Victoria Beckham have just installed in their Thai home. Whoops.

David Beckham’s Servants Allegedly ‘Nick All Of David Beckham’s Stuff’

Just because David Beckham earns about £400 billion every second, it doesn’t mean you can go around pinching his things.

That’s the sorry lesson learnt by Eric and June Emmett, two of the human beings that David and Victoria Beckham employ as house slaves. According to reports, the Emmetts have been taken into custody for allegedly half-inching property belonging to the Beckhams and selling it on eBay.

It just goes to show that when you’re as famous as the Beckhams are, you can’t trust anyone – not even your own staff. It’s not so much the fact that the Emmetts allegedly stole football shirts and designer dresses that upset the Beckhams but, now that the household copy of The Little Red Hen Goes To Town has been swiped, David’s reading ability is bound to be set back weeks, if not months.

Elmo Tries to Educate David Beckham

david beckham with elmo on sesame street makes for good tv, as 'posh' victoria beckham won't be on it“DO YOU KNOW THE WAY SESAME STREET?” barked the interrogators to the cold and quivering people at hecklerspray. After several hours of being abused and poked with spatulas we were finally let go, after the US Army finally realised we didn’t know how to get to Sesame Street.

More then likely because it’s not real.

But for once we have to hold our massive hands up and admit that someone does actually know where the sodding place is. Would you believe it, the person in question is the most unlikely of sources; none other then publicity-seeking semi-celebrity and occasional footballer David Beckham.

Perhaps he stumbled on the Street after getting lost on his journey back from training to his fifty-seven bathroomed mansion. You do have to feel sorry for the poor kid, seeing as he has probably just learned the difference between left and right.

Snoop Dogg Fails to Get Arrested on Drug Charge

Snoop Dogg: likely NOT smoking a fatty boombatty spliff hereYou think you have someone pinned for who they are and what they’re like, then they have to bloody well go and mix everything up by going and doing something stupid.

Which is exactly what ol’ D-O-double G Snoop Dogg has gone and done. Or, more accurately – has gone and not done.

It’s a given that normally you can rely on the Dizzle to carry a baton through customs, get arrested for carrying a gun and some naughty substances around in his car or simply to get banned from a country.

But oh no, not this time. He has to go and be all ‘not arrested’ and stuff.

David Beckham Shacks Up With A Muppet

If you’re honest, Sesame Street was probably your primary educator as a child, which is why you said ‘zee’ instead of ‘zed’ until you were 15, you giant halfwit.

But these days it looks as if Sesame Street‘s standards have slipped a little. Previous Sesame Street guests have included Maya Angelou, Buzz Aldrin, Lou Rawls, BB King and one of Cheech And Chong. But who’s the latest celebrity name to hit Sesame Street? Noted intellectual David Beckham, that’s who.

However, as weird as it may seem for David Beckham to appear on Sesame Street, we’re sure that mixing Beckham together with toddlers and gonkish puppets will only yield positive results. Who knows, David Beckham might even learn how to count up to six if he concentrates hard enough.

David Beckham Turns Gangster On Our Asses

David Beckham D-Beck Snoop DoggThere comes a point in everyone’s life when they need a change. Some people might think of switching their job to get that tingly feeling of happiness back. Others however might do something a bit more drastic and alter their body.

In the case of Michael Jackson, he went from black to white overnight. Other people like Puff Daddy change their name to even stranger things like P Diddy. And now another idiot is going to do the same given the advice from another moron.

Say hello to D-Beck, courtesy of Snoop Dogg