There are many differences between Americans and the British. They are a young, driven country, full of hope and motivated by optimism, pride and a sense of moral justice. We are a reserved, sardonic people steeped in heritage and history. We watch The Office, they watch The Office: An American Workplace.
It doesn't end there though.
Americans are sickeningly obese, greedy, witless, war-mongering and bigoted idiots who shit hot dogs, Smith & Wessons and Dr. Dre CDs ?outta their fuckin? asses?.
The British are stuttering, spineless, buck-toothed homosexuals with an inflated sense of their own self-importance, shitting buttered crumpets, umbrellas and Alan Bennett monologues ?out of their bloody arses?.
However debonair and sophisticated the Yanks try to be and however brash and confident us Limeys attempt to be, there will always be a gulf between the two cultures. And to any Americans reading: that's gulf as in ?a wide gap or separation?, not as in ?an arm of the Arabian Sea between the Arabian Peninsula and southwest Iran used for shooting brown people?, so you can holster yourselves back up?
To prove this point, let's contrast and compare two of our biggest celebrity sportsman?s literary skills. More specifically, their ?sex texts?. First up, some of Tiger ?Insert Your Own Hilarious Joke Nickname? Woods? SMS transgressions:
?I would love to have the ability to make you sore?
?Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat?
?Next time i see you, you better beg and if you don't do it right i will slap, spank, bite and fuck you till mercy?
Wow. Do you give your Momma thumbs-up with that thumb? Woods shows the sexual confidence that can only come from looking like a particularly depressed Dolmio puppet. Or from being a billionaire with a dozen mistresses.
Let's cast our big sexy minds back to 2004 and take a look at David Beckham?s left-handed texting to his alleged former bit-on-the-side Rebecca Loos (or ?Pig Tugger? as she will hereby be known):
Pig Tugger: Playing with my nipples, waiting for more, enjoying every second.
David Beckham: Shame I can't hear and see that. Would be nice to join in. I'm sure u have something to give me and am sure it tastes good.
PT: Well just think about it and when safe etc let me know … just u me in the dark alone…well candlelit dark.
DB: Not a problem, we will have fun.
PT: It was nice to hear u laugh. When I see u I want to hear u groan and moan. I can't wait.
DB: Don't worry, you will and I want to hear u scream
PT: U should see me, naked with only white cotton G-string.
DB: Love the sound of that cotton!
Not exactly filthy is it? I mean, what’s all that with the cotton??!
These two conversations paint very different pictures of their respective physical relationships. Woods? hotel room sounds as though it would have been like the set of ?Anal Spunk Cocktail 4?, while Beckham?s was more like backstage at a sartorially-themed episode of Benny Hill.
American or British, I think on reading that little lot, you should be proud.
God save the Queen/Oreos!
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Swineshead says
This post has made me feel a bit fruity.
*rushes off to be sick*
LitGeek says
Hilarious descriptions. As an American who is often ashamed of America and loves Brit culture, it’s nice to see some teasing on both sides. But pardon me if I keep myself unholstered. You never know when you’ll have to shoot someone for speaking to you with a funny accent. That’s just how we roll.
Karla says
HAHAHAAHAHAHHA!!!!!! I LOVED IT, THANKS!