Here’s a guest blog by Josh from the mighty Interestment…
Beauty surely is the most fickle of the tick box categories we demand in a partner. After all, every once in a while a gorgeous face will start speaking, and all semblence of attractiveness will find itself hurtling from the nearest window.
Here are ten famous people who would be wise to keep schtum in future.
1. Kimberley Walsh
As a non-red-headed member of Girls Aloud, Kimberley has done a great job of sticking to various diets to keep her attractiveness intact. She has fine ironed hair, a taut, impressive body, but when she opens her mouth it's as if some lunatic is going berserk on a the lower notes of a Moog keyboard. She needs to keep it zipped.
2. David Beckham
Just when everyone thought Beckham had it all ? the great tattoos, all the best haircuts, footie skills, a nice face ? he opened his mouth and out came the voice of a confused mouse stuck in a lift. Thank you, Christ.
3. James Blunt
James Blunt divides the nation ? one half wants to bludgeon to death with a brick, the other half wants to use lead piping. Either way, his songs really are awful, but eight hours of You're Beautiful on loop would be preferable to thirty seconds of listening to his horrible plummy speaking voice. He makes the Queen sound like Jordan.
4. Russell Brand
Russell?s act revolves around telling boring stories about his life in the style of a minor character from Oliver Twist. It's literally as unfunny as it sounds. Needs to put one of them delicious Mrs Miggins pies in ?is cake?ole. The twat.
5. Esther Rantzen
After years of broadcasting on television, notably on sideways-glancing shows like That's Life, Rantzen still hasn't mastered the art of speaking through just her mouth. At least half of her words come from her nose. Unlistenable.
6. Lily Allen
The main problem facing Allen is that once she decides to speak, the pretend voice she uses to sing with becomes worryingly exposed. Why is such a well spoken young thing attempting to sound like a plumber?s wife?
7. Tom Cruise
The main argument for Cruise to put a sock in it comes from hearing his strange talk of how he's probably the new Jesus, always accompanied by a hollow glare and threats about putting ruthless ethics into people. What the hell does that even mean, you maniac?
8. Michael Jackson
Of course, now that he's going to perform again, everyone has forgotten that Michael Jackson is the sinister voice of a frightened child trapped in a terrifying clown body. It's only a matter of time before he looks to the nearest camera whispering ?help me? over and over again until we all start crying.
9. Kelly Brook
The story of Kelly is a very sad one. Blessed with outrageous curves, a wonderful face, and impressive flowing locks, she was cursed with the voice of a cretin, and the inability to remember more than one fact at a time. Depressing.
10. Paula Abdul
A random word generator, it’s a mystery how Abdul keeps her job. Perhaps it's because? we can? erm? feel her? heart? whenever she? gives of herself? the world?
And we're out of time.
The above was written by Josh Burt of Interestment.co.uk. It is good and he is good and so say all of us.