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Celebrities on drugs

George Michael Says Sorry For That Whole ‘Crack Arrest’ Thing

by Stuart Heritage

When George Michael is caught being a dimwit in public he tends to respond with either an apology or a furious phonecall to Richard & Judy.

And, since Richard & Judy isn’t on the telly any more, that means that George Michael only has one way to respond to his arrest this weekend on suspicion of sitting on a toilet in Hampstead Heath trying to eat a chunk of crack the size of an owl, or whatever it was that he was arrested for.

In short, now that he’s been cautioned for his possession of crack, George Michael has issued an apology to all his fans promising that he’s going to try and overcome his drug problems once and for all. And a good thing too, because all the George Michael fans needed to calm down – otherwise they’d have done a really slapdash job of cutting everyone’s hair today.

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Ryan O’Neal Bust: Tatum O’Neal Inexplicably Now Voice of Reason

by Stuart Heritage

Indications that your family is effed, volume 12: When Tatum O’Neal looks like the wisest, most together member of your gene pool.

By that right, the O’Neal family don’t stand a chance. On Wednesday Ryan O’Neal and his son Redmond were both arrested for the possession of methamphetamine during a routine probation sweep of their house, and it’s taken Tatum O’Neal to bring some perspective to the matter.

Yes, Tatum O’Neal – the woman who’s kissed Michael Jackson with tongues, claims to have had an orgy with Melanie Griffith, lost custody of her kids because she was wasted on heroin all the time and was recently arrested for trying to buy crack in New York – has put the Ryan O’Neal drug arrest into perspective. In summary, that perspective is as follows: Yeesh.

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Ryan O’Neal And Son Get Busted For Having All The Drugs

by Stuart Heritage

A public plea: Can someone, anyone, from MTV please immediately go and make a reality TV show about Ryan O’Neal and his family? Thanks.

Because, without question, a TV show about the family life of Ryan O’Neal would hands-down be the best piece of television ever made. Especially if it explained why Ryan O’Neal and his son Redmond were yesterday both arrested on the felony charge of methamphetamine possession.

Wow. So Oscar-nominated actor Ryan O’Neal (father of Tatum O’Neal, the actress who was recently arrested for buying crack) and his son Redmond (who last year tied his half-brother to a staircase like a dog and hit his girlfriend in the head with a fireplace poker until Ryan O’Neal actually had to fire a gun at him to make him stop) might be on drugs. Who knew?

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Quit Cocaine The Helen Mirren Way – With A Dead Nazi

by Stuart Heritage

Helen Mirren is perhaps the only 63-year-old Oscar-winning Dame Commander Of The British Empire who still looks halfway decent in a bikini.

But even someone as distinguished as Helen Mirren still has her problems – like all that cocaine she used to take, for example. That’s all in the past, though, because Helen Mirren has revealed exactly how she managed to quit her drug habit – it’s all thanks to notorious dead Nazi war criminal Klaus Barbie.

There’s a reality show in this somewhere, we know it.

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Robert Downey Jr is Too Dumb to Understand The Dark Knight. His Words…

by Ian Dransfield

Robert Downey Jr was known for some things, then everyone forgot who he was, then they remembered again. And now that the people of the world once again recognise Robert Downey Jr in the street – and now that he’s likely off the smack and charlie – people are more likely to listen to him. [...]

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Song Review: Keane – Spiralling

by Matthew Laidlow

“Song review? Don’t you mean CD review, morons?” For once we decided not to leave ourselves open for getting something wrong and remembered that you can’t physically get hold of this new tune from the UK’s worst drug-taking band, Keane. Unless you’re one of those posh industry types, this song is unavailable to buy on [...]

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Amy Winehouse’s Mental Hospital Spaz Out Blamed On Ecstasy

by Matthew Laidlow

Yesterday brought the news that Amy Winehouse had decided to take a stroll to the hospital. It wasn’t because she finally realised she was slowly destroying her insides, it was simply down to having a crazy reaction to the medication slowly digesting in her stomach. Many people have placed bets on her dying before the [...]

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Natalie Cole Is Brim-Full Of Disgusting Hepetitis C

by Shawn Lindseth

Natalie Cole is lucky because she never has to catch a cold again. It’s because her immune system is now naturally fortified with boat loads of Hepatitis C. This is excellent for her on several different levels. She’ll no longer have to spend hundreds of dollars on oranges every winter – that’s nice for her. [...]

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Andy Dick Arrested For Drug-Centric Booby Fondling

by Stuart Heritage

Some people would consider it an honour to have unfunny sitcom star Andy Dick yank down their top and grab their boob.

Sadly, those people – who we’ll assume have some sort of aggressive cognitive dysfunction – weren’t around yesterday morning when Andy Dick was arrested for sexual battery after, you guessed it, fondling a girl’s boob and yanking down her top in a bar. With some drugs in his pocket.

Andy Dick’s arrest has raised a number of serious questions. Questions like ‘Has Andy Dick fallen off the wagon again?’, ‘Who’s going to employ Andy Dick after this?’ and ‘Andy Dick fondled a girl? A girl? Are you sure it was definitely a girl? Wow, who knew?’

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Tatum O’Neal Pleads Guilty To All That Drug Stuff She Did

by Stuart Heritage

When Tatum O’Neal was arrested for buying crack a month ago, she looked ready to blurt out a limitless amount of gormless excuses to prove her innocence.

She had millions of them – that it was the first time she’d bought crack, that she didn’t even know it was crack and that she bought crack because her dog died and it made her sad. We’ve been eagerly anticipating Tatum O’Neal’s next excuse for weeks – would she try and say that she thought the man was offering to sell her ‘quack’? That she was briefly possessed by the ghost of Ike Turner? We couldn’t wait.

And now we’re sorely, sorely disappointed. Tatum O’Neal has done the unthinkable and stopped making excuses. In fact, Tatum O’Neal has pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in court, meaning that her case will be dismissed if she completes a pathetically rudimentary course at a drug treatment clinic. That’s OK for Tatum O’Neal we suppose, but why won’t anyone think of us here? Where’s our fun?

When Tatum O'Neal was arrested for buying crack a month ago, she looked ready to blurt out a limitless amount of gormless excuses to prove her innocence. She had millions of them - that it was the first time she'd bought crack, that she didn't even know it was crack and that she bought crack because her dog died and it made her sad. We've been eagerly anticipating Tatum O'Neal's next excuse for weeks - would she try and say that she thought the man was offering to sell her 'quack'? That she was briefly possessed by the ghost of Ike Turner? We couldn't wait. And now we're sorely, sorely disappointed. Tatum O'Neal has done the unthinkable and stopped making excuses. In fact, Tatum O'Neal has pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in court, meaning that her case will be dismissed if she completes a pathetically rudimentary course at a drug treatment clinic. That's OK for Tatum O'Neal we suppose, but why won't anyone think of us here? Where's our fun?
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