Helen Mirren is perhaps the only 63-year-old Oscar-winning Dame Commander Of The British Empire who still looks halfway decent in a bikini.
But even someone as distinguished as Helen Mirren still has her problems – like all that cocaine she used to take, for example. That’s all in the past, though, because Helen Mirren has revealed exactly how she managed to quit her drug habit – it’s all thanks to notorious dead Nazi war criminal Klaus Barbie.
There’s a reality show in this somewhere, we know it.
Drugs are everywhere these days – you can see it in our culture. Would the Teletubbies exist if it weren’t for the invention of mind-altering hallucinogens? Doubtful. Without drugs, what would Pete Doherty would be doing now? He’d probably a Saturday boy at Games Workshop or something. And who can forget that 1993 episode of Praise Be where Thora Hird gangbanged 24 members of a local church’s congregation because she was high on a mixture of cough medicine and glue? It’s tragic.
And that even goes for Dame Helen Mirren. You may know Helen Mirren as the lady who dressed up like the queen and won every award going last year, but beneath her staid exterior is the heartbeat of a desperate woman.
How desperate? Desperate enough to quite like cocaine and then sort of stop liking it about 25 years ago. Yes, that’s how desperate.
You see, Helen Mirren has been interviewed in this month’s GQ magazine and she decided to go for the whole ‘My Drug Hell’ angle – or at least she would have done if it wasn’t for those pesky Nazis screwing it up for her in the early 1980s.
Oh yes, the Nazis. We forgot to mention them, didn’t we? It’s probably best to let Helen Mirren explain this one herself:
“I loved coke. I never did a lot, just a little bit at parties. But what ended it for me was when they caught Klaus Barbie, the Butcher of Lyon, in the early 80s. He was hiding in South America and living off the proceeds of being a cocaine baron. And I read that in the paper, and all the cards fell into place and I saw how my little sniff of cocaine at a party had an absolute direct route to this fucking horrible man in South America.”
Helen Mirren is absolutely right about this. If you take drugs, you’re helping to fund the Nazi party. We’re sure the Nazis are grateful. In fact we’re pretty sure that they’re going to send Amy Winehouse a crystal decanter as a mark of their appreciation before long.
Anyway, if this is true and Klaus Barbie managed to wean Helen Mirren off cocaine, then he must be kicking himself from beyond the grave at the moment. Had he known about this earlier, he might have been able to get it together to become a motivational speaker. Imagine the publishing opportunities – Klaus Barbie Helps You Kick Drugs, Drop A Dress Size The Nazi Way, SS Stands For Super Selfconfidence….
Don’t laugh – you’d still feel less dirty buying those than you would with anything by Paul McKenna, wouldn’t you?
Brenda Taylor says
I think you’re missing the point here.
Most people who take drugs DON’T CARE that they the money they fork over to support their habits goes into the hands of evil miscreants – be they Nazis, murderous drug lords, violent gangs or the U.S. government.
At least, Helen Mirren has conscience enough to halt her coke habit once she realized her money was being used to support an evil cause.
LOL: Now, if only we could stop paying taxes to support George Bush!
The Dread Pirate Sausage! says
Are you insinuating the CIA “distributed Crack Cocaine in low-income areas nationwide” and was caught doing so in 1995, shortly before a 1 day newscast which was subsequently forgotten about, having garnered no public outcry?
I certainly hope not. The last thing this world needs is another consipracy theorist.