Articles tagged with: Celebrities on drugs
Natalie Cole is lucky because she never has to catch a cold again. It’s because her immune system is now naturally fortified with boat loads of Hepatitis C. This is excellent for her on several different levels. She’ll no longer have to spend hundreds of dollars on oranges every winter – that’s nice for her. She can put that saved money right into studio-time. Also, no more nights stuck awake because her chest is sticky with Vapo-rub, and she can take all those old, crusty lozenges out of her sock drawer. Like we said, Cole is lucky on many levels – not the least of which… What’s that? Hepetitis C is some sort of ailment? It has lousy side effects and doesn’t calm any winter-time stuffed-up misery? We’ve got it all wrong? Well don’t we just feel ridiculous.
Some people would consider it an honour to have unfunny sitcom star Andy Dick yank down their top and grab their boob. Sadly, those people - who we'll assume have some sort of aggressive cognitive dysfunction - weren't around yesterday morning when Andy Dick was arrested for sexual battery after, you guessed it, fondling a girl's boob and yanking down her top in a bar. With some drugs in his pocket. Andy Dick's arrest has raised a number of serious questions. Questions like 'Has Andy Dick fallen off the wagon again?', 'Who's going to employ Andy Dick after this?' and 'Andy Dick fondled a girl? A girl? Are you sure it was definitely a girl? Wow, who knew?'
When Tatum O'Neal was arrested for buying crack a month ago, she looked ready to blurt out a limitless amount of gormless excuses to prove her innocence.
She had millions of them - that it was the first time she'd bought crack, that she didn't even know it was crack and that she bought crack because her dog died and it made her sad. We've been eagerly anticipating Tatum O'Neal's next excuse for weeks - would she try and say that she thought the man was offering to sell her 'quack'? That she was briefly possessed by the ghost of Ike Turner? We couldn't wait.
And now we're sorely, sorely disappointed. Tatum O'Neal has done the unthinkable and stopped making excuses. In fact, Tatum O'Neal has pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct in court, meaning that her case will be dismissed if she completes a pathetically rudimentary course at a drug treatment clinic. That's OK for Tatum O'Neal we suppose, but why won't anyone think of us here? Where's our fun?
As Amy Winehouse so memorably put it in her famous hit "They tried to make me go to rehab/ I said 'wheeze gargle hurrrrrrp."
That's right - it appears that hoofing down crack and cigarettes all the time like a stinky old tramp hasn't done Amy Winehouse's lungs any good at all. According to her dad Mitch, in fact, Amy Winehouse has been diagnosed with the early stages of emphysema - a disease that'll kill her if she doesn't quit drugs immediately.
Now, obviously this isn't news because it's been discovered that Amy Winehouse is close to death - any fool has been able to see that for the last year or so - but because her contraction of emphysema has helped us complete our Amy Winehouse Disease Bingo card! Hooray! Now we just have to decide whether we go double or quits with weaponised Marburg. She doesn't already have that, does she?
Hecklerspray only recently learned that Kerry Katona was actually born - we simply thought she'd congealed, popping up Master-And-Margarita style on the outskirts of some grim Northern town, swathed in chip fat and possessing the piercing dead eyes of a truly soulless abomination.
Nah. Turns out that she has a mum.
Warning: if you've just eaten, you may want to avoid reading this report for a short while. On the other hand, if you're bulimic - and need a horrific mental image to really spur on that gag reflex - please allow us to be of service. Ready? O-kay.
Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, or Judy Garland as she's also known, has been largely gone from the public eye for what we think must be centuries. She's been dead since 1969, but a new book on her is coming out anyway. It doesn't seem to answer any of the questions you'd hope, like if a dwarf really does hang himself in the background in the orchard scene, or whether or not Pink Floyd synched there album to the Oz film with her blessing. No, instead it throws up the horrible reality that was Garland's post-Oz life. As the headline up there indicates - that life was filled with some very non-Dorothy-like things - imagine if the Wizard was really super horny and those monkeys were all drug pushers. Now that's more what her life was like.
Think of some of the greatest jobs in the world from a purely money-making perspective and 'Amy Winehouse's drug dealer' is sure to pop up near the top of the list. Maybe it would drop below the ranking of something like 'supermodel massage artist who earns £500 a minute and is in constant demand' or a hecklerspray employee, but all in all it's a role that you certainly wouldn't sniff at. Though there would surely be some form of sniffing involved. And general inhaling. And breaking down of constituent ingredients into something more easily absorbed into the bloodstream. You get the idea. But alas, for two people have been arrested on charges of being the beehived crooner's personal suppliers. The licence to print money may be no more, it would seem.
Blake Fielder-Civil, currently serving time in Pentonville prison, has allegedly offered another inmate £20,000 to beat up Pete Doherty, because he’s sure the singer is making love to his irresistibly impetigo wife, Amy Jade Winehouse Fielder-Civil. Twenty grand Blake?! Don’t be so fucking stupid. Hecklerspray will quite happily kick his drug-addled brain out for £3.50. And this includes the taxi fare and a quick sandwich from Lidl. The Sun reports: “He approached ex- bouncer Richard Lyttle, on remand for murder but since released without charge." Richard, 39, said: “We were sitting in my cell and he said, ‘If you get Doherty for me I’ll give you £20,000.’ He kept saying, ‘Can you arrange it?’ and telling me to get some guys to his house. He knew the address. He said, ‘Amy’s obviously sleeping with him'.†You really think Doherty can muster a hard on, Fielder-Civil? Do you? .
