Articles tagged with: Britain’s Got Talent
Britain’s Got Talent: Can Hollie Steel Win?
Here's part two of our week-long Britain's Got Talent excito-jam. Why only a week long? Because Britain's Got Talent is rubbish. Duh. For the newcomers, here's what we're up to - we're taking stock of all the Britain's Got Talent contestants so far, picking one each day who we think has a shot at winning. Please notice the difference between 'has a shot at winning' and 'is good'. That's a very important distinction to make, because deep down they're all slightly woeful. Today: the Britain's Got Talent rundown for Hollie Steel...
Here's part two of our week-long Britain's Got Talent excito-jam. Why only a week long? Because Britain's Got Talent is rubbish. Duh. For the newcomers, here's what we're up to - we're taking stock of all the Britain's Got Talent contestants so far, picking one each day who we think has a shot at winning. Please notice the difference between 'has a shot at winning' and 'is good'. That's a very important distinction to make, because deep down they're all slightly woeful. Today: the Britain's Got Talent rundown for Hollie Steel...
Britain’s Got Talent: Can Flawless Win?
So that's the Eurovision Song Contest done, and Big Brother won't be here to wreck our lives for a little bit longer. And that's why, for one glorious week only, we're going to be looking at the favourites to win Britain's Got Talent. Why? Because Britain's Got Talent is a joyous demonstration of the human condition in full flight, and not just because we've got a story slot to fill for a week. So here's the Britain's Got Talent rundown for Flawless...
So that's the Eurovision Song Contest done, and Big Brother won't be here to wreck our lives for a little bit longer. And that's why, for one glorious week only, we're going to be looking at the favourites to win Britain's Got Talent. Why? Because Britain's Got Talent is a joyous demonstration of the human condition in full flight, and not just because we've got a story slot to fill for a week. So here's the Britain's Got Talent rundown for Flawless...
Susan Boyle On Oprah: Loving Her 13 Remaining Seconds Of Fame
This is the big time for Susan Boyle. She's appeared on Oprah Winfrey. Do you know how famous this makes her? Susan Boyle is now as famous as that other memorable Oprah guest - the bloke who barbecued some stuff for a couple a minutes a while ago. We forget his name. But anyway, the main thing was that Susan Boyle told Oprah Winfrey how much she enjoys her new-found fame. Incidentally, Susan Boyle's interview was subtitled. Not because Oprah's viewers wouldn't understand her impenetrable accent, you understand, but because producers wanted to distract everyone from her bizarre werewolfy face.
This is the big time for Susan Boyle. She's appeared on Oprah Winfrey. Do you know how famous this makes her? Susan Boyle is now as famous as that other memorable Oprah guest - the bloke who barbecued some stuff for a couple a minutes a while ago. We forget his name. But anyway, the main thing was that Susan Boyle told Oprah Winfrey how much she enjoys her new-found fame. Incidentally, Susan Boyle's interview was subtitled. Not because Oprah's viewers wouldn't understand her impenetrable accent, you understand, but because producers wanted to distract everyone from her bizarre werewolfy face.
Susan Boyle Would Rather Do Oprah Than Obama
We apologise to sensitive readers, who may have brought a little bit of acid up when reading that headline. It's true, though. It's been revealed that the beefy Caledonian lady has turned down an invitation to attend a White House party thrown by the new President, while accepting an offer from Oprah Winfrey to appear on her show, alongside Simon Cowell. We're guessing they'll be discussing the merits of underwiring in bras, or something.
We apologise to sensitive readers, who may have brought a little bit of acid up when reading that headline. It's true, though. It's been revealed that the beefy Caledonian lady has turned down an invitation to attend a White House party thrown by the new President, while accepting an offer from Oprah Winfrey to appear on her show, alongside Simon Cowell. We're guessing they'll be discussing the merits of underwiring in bras, or something.
What’s That? Britain’s Got Even More Mediocre Talent?
Another week, another horse-frighteningly ugly contestant wows the Britain's Got Talent judges. We've had Shaheen Jafargholi ('OMG, what a cutey!') and Susan Boyle ('WTF, that's a woman? You sure it's not Steve McFadden in a curly wig?'). Well, stand by for another four hour phonecall with your gran, because Britain's Got Talent has unearthed a third inbred monster who can halfway hold a tune. And this time, the facial hair is deliberate. It's another Welsh fella, which means the people of Swansea, Cardiff (and... er, Llarrghhllaachh?) will have to choose whether they love a man or a small boy. We should rephrase that.
Another week, another horse-frighteningly ugly contestant wows the Britain's Got Talent judges. We've had Shaheen Jafargholi ('OMG, what a cutey!') and Susan Boyle ('WTF, that's a woman? You sure it's not Steve McFadden in a curly wig?'). Well, stand by for another four hour phonecall with your gran, because Britain's Got Talent has unearthed a third inbred monster who can halfway hold a tune. And this time, the facial hair is deliberate. It's another Welsh fella, which means the people of Swansea, Cardiff (and... er, Llarrghhllaachh?) will have to choose whether they love a man or a small boy. We should rephrase that.
Creased or Folded? hecklerspray Tells You the Way it is
Thumbs up and down. Folded: Body of Lies on DVD (unfairly panned during its theatrical run, this is an engrossing, if occasionally silly spy movie with a standout turn from Mark Strong) Dolce Gusto (if you like coffee you should ...
Thumbs up and down. Folded: Body of Lies on DVD (unfairly panned during its theatrical run, this is an engrossing, if occasionally silly spy movie with a standout turn from Mark Strong) Dolce Gusto (if you like coffee you should ...
Simon Cowell Awaits Susan Boyle’s Destruction With Glee
In Susan Boyle, Simon Cowell has created a monster. No, that's unfair - Susan Boyle's ancestral DNA created a monster. But we digress. Thanks to the YouTube video of her Britain's Got Talent audition, Susan Boyle is the most famous woman in the world. True, most of her YouTube viewers were possibly using the video as a twisted test of endurance - like 2 Girls 1 Cup but with an obviously much worse soundtrack - but, again, we digress. Anyway, Susan Boyle probably thinks that she's got Britain's Got Talent all sewn up now. But not if Simon Cowell's got anything to do with it.
In Susan Boyle, Simon Cowell has created a monster. No, that's unfair - Susan Boyle's ancestral DNA created a monster. But we digress. Thanks to the YouTube video of her Britain's Got Talent audition, Susan Boyle is the most famous woman in the world. True, most of her YouTube viewers were possibly using the video as a twisted test of endurance - like 2 Girls 1 Cup but with an obviously much worse soundtrack - but, again, we digress. Anyway, Susan Boyle probably thinks that she's got Britain's Got Talent all sewn up now. But not if Simon Cowell's got anything to do with it.
Susan Boyle Gets A Haircut: WE MUST BURN HER LIKE A WITCH
Susan Boyle is a modern-day Sampson, but her power is kept in her ridiculous dead weasel eyebrows instead of her hair. That's the truth. If Susan Boyle ever decided to trim her eyebrows or brush or hair or do anything to change the fact that she essentially looks like a marionette puppet made out some chicken giblets and a second-hand merkin, then her appeal would vanish and she'd bellyflop back into obscurity. So it's with a heavy heart that we report that Susan Boyle has trimmed her eyebrows, dyed her hair and bought a new coat. It's literally a tragedy.
Susan Boyle is a modern-day Sampson, but her power is kept in her ridiculous dead weasel eyebrows instead of her hair. That's the truth. If Susan Boyle ever decided to trim her eyebrows or brush or hair or do anything to change the fact that she essentially looks like a marionette puppet made out some chicken giblets and a second-hand merkin, then her appeal would vanish and she'd bellyflop back into obscurity. So it's with a heavy heart that we report that Susan Boyle has trimmed her eyebrows, dyed her hair and bought a new coat. It's literally a tragedy.
