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Britain’s Got Talent

Britain’s Got Talent Returns To Showcase Our Nation Of Morons

Don’t you ever wish you lived in Victorian times? Minus the threat of the occasional killer disease and lack of George Foreman grills, life really wasn’t that bad. After all, northern people weren’t discriminated as much; everyone wore fancy-looking frocks and spoke like Queen Victoria. But what about Victorian entertainment? Nowadays we submerge ourselves in [...]

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Single? Lonely? A Little Bit Desperate? Susan Boyle Needs A Lover

by Matthew Laidlow

It’s easy to get indoctrinated – you’ll often find yourself being presented with something that gets repetitively drilled into your head. The same facts are repeated again and again, generally making it hard to recall any information other than what’s been force-fed. Take weedy Coldplay for example. Can you name anyone else in the band [...]

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Piers Morgan Wants To Annoy More American TV Viewers

by Matthew Laidlow

You Americans just want all of our glorious items don’t you? One of Blighty’s few remaining cultural importances may be lost forever if Kraft gets its way. Soon, obesity will reach a whole new proportion as chocolate cheese is introduced for fat children to gobble up. However, there are a few exceptions that we’ll be [...]

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Hecklerspray Meets The Brett Domino Trio

by Keith Emmerson

YouTube phenomenons come and go like sailors, but The Brett Domino Trio are different. We know this because we sent Keith Emmerson to meet the boys behind the keytar. Due to the wonder of technology, after the jump you can find out all about the genesis of the band, their appearance on Britain’s Got Talent, [...]

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50 Cent Wants To Get All Ghetto With Susan Boyle

by Matthew Laidlow

Take 50 Cent and Susan Boyle. You wouldn’t really want to spend a single minute of your time in their company, would you? Think about it, they’d both spew out the same mushy story in a vain attempt to make you give a toss about them. Both of them have humble backgrounds and didn’t find [...]

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Rolf Harris Wants To Sing With The Crying Child From Britain’s Got Talent

by Matthew Laidlow

There have been a couple of musical collaborations throughout the course of history that have stunk of poo. Sometimes there are two things you’d never imagine recording together to see how it sounds. Cats and pencil sharpeners, dogs and electricity and small children and small pieces of glass will all have dire consequences. But what [...]

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Susan Boyle Set To Bother You On X Factor

by Matthew Laidlow

We dreamed a dream once. It involved us being dipped in Belgian chocolate and then being placed in the middle of a field full of cows and sheep. Don’t ask us what happened next, but suffice to say we don’t see those animals in the same way we once did. They’re not as cuddly and [...]

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It’s A Britain’s Got Talent Story Not Featuring Susan Boyle!

by Matthew Laidlow

Are you still there? Hello? Is anyone still reading this after glancing at the title? We’re sorry to disappoint you. This isn’t about Susan Boyle. Unfortunately, she hasn’t tried to drink the blood of an Englishman or had multiple botox injections. To depress you further, this isn’t about the winners of the 2009 final, Diversity, [...]

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Simon Cowell Combines X Factor & Britain’s Got Talent In One Gigantic Evil Move

by Matthew Laidlow

Hey kids! Do you like being spoon fed popular culture that you’ll eventually get sick of when the next talented young thing comes along? You do? Well that’s that bloody fantastic. You might have heard of Simon Cowell. He’s a man who wants to destroy the way we consume music and make us all buy [...]

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