Susan Boyle taught the world to never judge a book by its cover – not even a hairy book that dresses like a homeless woman.
Not even if it smells. And thanks to this timely lesson, we know not to judge Susan Boyle’s actual book by its cover when it’s released later on this year. It doesn’t matter what’s on the cover – a big picture of Susan Boyle’s face, a big photo of Susan Boyle sitting in a bathtub drinking champagne with her legs in the air, a lovely drawing of a kitten – we refuse to judge the actual book by it. Instead we’re going to judge Susan Boyle’s book by the standards of actual literature, which means we’re probably going to end up quite disappointed by it.
Which is to say that Susan Boyle is releasing her autobiography this year. Contain yourselves.
The most endearing thing about Susan Boyle is that people want to know what it’s like to be her. What it’s like to be her now, we should say – if they wanted to know what it was like to be Susan Boyle in the days before Britain’s Got Talent then all they’d need to do is dress up like a visually-impaired social worker, stop brushing their teeth and go and live in the woods for a few days.
Instead, people want to know about how Susan Boyle dealt with the sudden whoomph of fame, with the makeovers and the breakdowns and the having to maintain intermittent verbal communication with Piers Morgan all the time. She dreamed a dream, which turned out to be a dream about people being quite patronising to her because she could sing quite well even though she wasn’t very pretty, and that’s what people want to hear about.
Fortunately, that’s what people will get to hear about, because it’s been announced that Susan Boyle is working on her autobiography. Hooray! The New York Times reports:
[Publisher] Transworld said the book… will be called ?The Woman I Was Born to Be.? [Susan Boyle said] ?When I strutted on to the stage for that audition, I was a scared wee lassie, still grieving for my mother, not caring how I looked. I think I've grown up a lot in the last year, become more of a lady, and I'm not so frightened anymore.?
In a world where every old Z-list bastard has a ghost-written autobiography, it’ll be difficult for Susan Boyle’s The Woman I Was Born To Be to stand out from the pack. The book needs to capture the initial thrill of seeing Susan Boyle onstage for the first time, and here’s how she can do it.
1 – In the first chapter, Susan Boyle should play loud music and canned applause and cut to a shot of Simon Cowell pulling his moony-eyed dream face at her every three lines. This will make her look better than she actually is, so that when people get to chapter two and realise that it’s only a mediocre book and not a brilliant book, they’ll be too emotionally invested to care.
2 – Susan Boyle should hand-write the book in the ugliest possible handwriting she knows, and she should deliberately misspell every fifth word. That way, people will swamp it with praise in the mistaken belief that pretending to love something so awkward and lumpen will make them look deeper than they actually are.
You’re welcome, Susan Boyle.
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Dorothy Williams says
What a nasty thing to say, about Susan Boyle, Mr.Stuart Heritage. Looks like you are riding her coattails trying to get your 15 minutes of stupid fame by cutting her down in little bits and pieces.
Go back in your little cubicle and start writing about all the celebs in Rehab, drugged up, dopped up, having sex on UTUBE, and trying to kill themselves.
Leave Susan Boyle alone, you leach.
Lionel says
Ok, you’ve just proven you’re a bastard and a twat …what else is there left to say?
Rita says
Sour grapes. What a stupid and insensitive article full of conjecture. Go back into your hole and let Susan’s fans enjoy her music AND her upcoming book!
Bunny says
Previous commenters, look at the title of the webpage. Why not even scroll down to the bottom of the page and read the about section.
Good lord
nancytm says
Lionel, you said it just right.
Sob! LEAVE SUSAN ALOOOONE! says
I see that the self-appointed and self-important Web Police are attempting to remove all remnants of humour once again.
What a bunch of rabbits’ knackers they all are.
nancy says
It’s alarming how many readers of this site don’t recognize it as satire.
Rita says
Satire or not, it’s a waste of time to write this kind of drivel. Get a REAL writing job, if you know how.
Bernadette Jacobson says
What’s your problem? Can’t find anything meaningful in your life?
Better pray that God looks with pity on your miserable thoughts.
jonas girl says
man you are ugly and look like a man
jonas girl says
oh yeah you are one mean girl
the debster says
You asshole!! Leave Susan alone!! Your article is nothing but hateful bullshit!! Go pick on someone your own size, like the little worm that you are!!! Fuck you!!!!