Articles tagged with: Britain’s Got Talent
Just a week after the world went literally bananas for meaty hip-wiggler Susan Boyle, Britain's Got Talent has just unearthed a second pure-voiced singing sensation. The twist this time: it's a little boy with a funny name. Keep an eye on Simon Cowell's hands during this season of Britain's Got Talent. If there's one more surprisingly angelic-voiced contestant with obvious mass-marketing appeal, we think he may just have himself a sneaky little fiddle under the table.
Remember the name Susan Boyle - in ten years she'll probably be the answer to a pub quiz question or something. Or a major Broadway star. No, we were right first time - Susan Boyle will be the answer in a pub quiz. And the question will be 'what was the name of the funny-looking woman from Britain's Got Talent who made everyone jizz in their pants because she sang a terrible song in a mediocre way?' That's right, everyone. Thanks to Britain's Got Talent, Susan Boyle has won Demi Moore over and might appear on Oprah. Literally on Oprah. The pervert.
Simon Cowell isn't American, and people only drop to their knees around him to escape the dangle of his pendulous manboobs. However, Simon Cowell is American Idol. You know what American Idol would be without Simon Cowell? It'd be exactly the same as it already is, but without a startlingly smug man with ridiculous teeth going out of his way to offend homosexuals and the mentally ill. So basically it'd be rubbish. But it might happen - Simon Cowell is dropping a number of hints that he'll leave American Idol next year. But not X Factor or Britain's Got Talent. Curses.
Since the dawn of time, there have always been rifts between different groups of people. Do-gooders like Bono want us to simply get along, but no-one will listen. Over the year’s battles between the east and west coast, cowboys & Indians and The Pope v The Gays have grabbed media attention and divided people’s opinions. One argument we never expected to see was between the spewed-up creatures of Simon Cowell’s pet projects Britain’s Got Talent and X Factor. We thought that all the creations of the show lived in peace and harmony where they constantly lick each other's bumholes and applauded each other. Guess something went wrong as the gloves are off between Sampson and Quigg.
Do you like films? Do you like real-life tales of against-the-odds struggle? Does your single-digit IQ often cause you to clap along to Saturday evening TV theme-tunes? You answered yes to all the above? Well, then this must be your lucky day - because it's been announced that a Billy Elliot-style movie is to be made about George Sampson, the disabled teenage breakdancing winner of Britain's Got Talent. Having said that, there's a possibility that Simon Cowell is just going to send a bunch of heavies to visit five million of the most stupid people in Britain and steal £7.50 from each of them instead, because that way Cowell gets his money and nobody has to waste their time going to see his rubbish film.
When it comes to getting a gang of dreadful personality-free cockmunches to sing on vaguely low-rent TV shows, Simon Cowell is undoubtedly a world leader.
But it's fair to say that Simon Cowell should never ever be allowed to even think about making movies for a second. Not even for a second. He should be forced to wear high-voltage electrodes or an exploding neck collar just to stop him thinking about making movies.
We're basing this assessment on one thing and one thing alone here - Simon Cowell is going to make a biopic based on the life of Britain's Got Talent winner Paul Potts. Someone find us the number of a reputable exploding neck collar salesman quick.
If you were going to plant a bug anywhere in the country, the Britain's Got Talent auditions probably wouldn't be your first choice.
It's hard to see what anyone would actually benefit from bugging Britain's Got Talent - it's not as if the information could be swapped with shadowy European intelligence officers who'd hear the recordings and triumphantly exclaim "Ah, so zis eez what Simon Cowell sinks of ze breakdancing, plate-spinning pensioner. Ve haf him now!"
But that didn't stop someone from bugging the Britain's Got Talent auditions last week. Nobody has been arrested for the bugging yet, but police are thought to be on the lookout for a big bloody idiot.
